I got home from the pub last night

[shortylickens]

completely pissed but horny as a goat. There was a quick lecture from the wife about coming home drunk, but she eventually lay down on the bed and spread her legs. After a few minutes, I could feel it starting to come. "OK babe" I said, pulling out "it's coming. Do you want it on the belly or on the face?" "What? You come home completely pissed up and now you want all this perverted stuff?" "Come on, babe" I said. "Belly or face?" "Face" she said. So that's where I puked.
--
The wife was counting out the coin jar on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change".
--
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
--
My scout leader taught me a very valuable lesson - "If you lick your fingers and wet it a little, it will slide right in". Threading needles has never been this easy!
--
I was in a club last night grinding with this girl for over an hour. Fuck knows why we both had pepper mills.
--
Gynaecologist: "Looks like I'm going to have to numb you for this procedure". Woman: "What do you mean?" Gynaecologist: "Num num num num num!"

 

[shortylickens]

Two aliens landed in the outback near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".

The pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said "I'd calm down if I were you".

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly "GREETINGS, EARTHLING. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad". "Rubbish" replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in another vineyard.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear".

 

[shortylickens]

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler".

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose".

 

[TakeNoPrisoners]

 

[El Guaraguao]

 

[deadlyapp]

and many lulz were had.

...

mostly from the gold bars.

 

[wirelessenabled]

+1
+1:biggrin: