Hurting in a big way...

[911paramedic]

This may be too much for this room but I really need to vent and talk about this. I used to be a paramedic who loved his work until I got injured on the job (blew out my knee, ACL surgery) and got f@#$ked because of it. I had to get trained in something else since I could not be a medic anymore so I got into computer training. I have been into computers since my father brought one home in the early 80's, he worked for IBM back then. I have been using them, and building them, ever since. DOS is my friend.

Getting to the point, I have aquired panic attacks, agoraphobia, and major depression since my injury. Paramedicine was my life and I loved helping people. Saving lives was as easy as cardioversion or as difficult as talking with a person after their spouse killed themselves or died after 50 years of being together. There is so much more than just treating the patient, we often have to treat the surviving spouse or child.

I just sent an email to my dad and I got this response from him:

You may believe I do not know what you are going through but you are very wrong. I know exactly how you are feeling because I have had the same problem in the past as I have told you. I know you come out here and leave very early in the morning because you are afraid of getting stuck in traffic. I know that you go to movies when you believe it will not be crowded and you sit on the aisle so you can escape and not feel trapped. I know how you are feeling because I have gone through the same thing.

I used to put a few little bottles of booze in the glove compartment in case the traffic got too bad and I felt paniced. Every time I went across the Golden Gate bridge I had a panic attack. When I was in college I also had to sit on the aisle in large classes. I know how you feel. Over time it went away because I was able to convice myself that it wasnt doing me any good to be feeling like that and it finally went away over time. It seems like yours went away for quite a while as well.

As far as Bill went I know he had problems for a while but blamed it on coffee. I guess he has had no problems for a while.

I am very happy to hear you are working on yourself and I know 100% that if you put your mind to anything that you can accomplish it. I feel completely impotent when you get into trouble like this because I can do nothing to help and I want nothing more than you to be happy and productive even if it means you staying at home all day every day. Whatever makes you happy in life. You dont know how much I talk about you with Kim and Liz and Bill and how much we would all be able to help you. I wish you knew....

Please let me know if I can help in any way. I probably shouldnt come out an leave Max but could come as soon as Liz comes back. Maybe the first of March and we can celebrate your birthday? Let me know.


(Max is his dog, akita and chow mix)



I just want to know if I am alone here in my strange suffering.

David

 

[Electric Amish]

Agoraphobia if I get with too many people I don't know, 6 or so.

That's a good letter from your dad. I'd be happy if I were you.

amish

 

[gopunk]

maybe you should get some help with that?

 

[Rallispec]

i have mild agoraphobia too... its rough sometimes... i know how hard it gets..

your dad seems really nice and understanding though, i'm sure everything will work out fine.
i'm sorry to hear about your injury. I know working with computers isnt quiet the same as saving lives, but after some time you'll get used to it... it just going to take some time to adjust to your new life.

best wishes,

~danny

 

[rgwalt]

I also have agorophobia. I get really nervous in traffic or in large crowds of people. Going shopping at Christmas time almost kills me. I also hate heights and going really fast (though I don't mind speed in cars, just things like skiing). So yeah, I know how you feel. You aren't alone.

Ryan

 

[KokomoGST]

Have you seen a professional? One of my former coworkers had problems with panic attacks, etc. a professional might be able to pinpoint some areas that might help or medication that might lessen the impact. Sucks...

 

[pyonir]

I'm not sure if i have agoraphobia or a mild case of it or it is just me. but i can't stand being in large groups of people. i don't really get nervous or panic or anything...but it just really bothers me. i get more annoyed by it than anything i guess. traffic doesn't bother me but i am sure i could us some anger management in the car...cause i get so worked up over the idiocies of other drivers. but as for your depression, i can relate to that. i had clinical depression and probably still have a mild case of it. but i no longer take the medication and i wouldn't say that i am much different. you aren't alone man, you have your dad. that could be the most important thing in all. my dad is never there for me like that...if i do something wrong or feel down, he just yells at me and acts disappointed. It is good to see that at least your dad can talk about his feelings and shows he cares. i just have to assume.

 

[bigdog1218]

i have no idea about agorophobia, but i was just wondering why you can't be a paramedic anymore, i had acl and meniscus surgery in Nov and i'll be 100% and able to play any sport and do anything in about 3-4 months, just wondering why you can't go back to being a paramedic

 

[Azraele]

I think you should see a professional. I have a feeling that you can get through this.

OT for this thread a little, have you thought about maybe training others to be paramedics, to pass on your knowledge to others who can use it on call. Or maybe general practicioner in medicine?

 

[Passions]

Wow that is really weird, I love being in large crowds. When I was in Korea, and so many people like ants bumping into you, that was cool. My eyes were feasting on the ladies, but anyway. Maybe you should take like prozac or ritalin, it will help calm you down.

 

[conjur]

Hey, 911.

First off, I am NOT a doctor nor medically trained in any way. What I can offer is my voice of experience from what I've seen and had to deal with over the years.

You are far from alone. I know several people (personally, and through work) who have suffered (and still do) from panic attacks, agoraphobia, anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder.

In most cases, medication can cure the symptoms but some people just don't like taking drugs such as Serezone, Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil, Xanax, etc. Some are addictive but many are not.

Some people may say it's all in your head and you should snap out of it. Well, those people are ignorant fools and know not of what they speak. Depression, panic disorder, et al, do not just appear out of thin air but are manifestations of something that's been swelling for months or years and are based in what is apparently a chemical imbalance in the brain. There is even evidence that it's hereditary (as you may be experiencing from what I read of your father's response).

Sometimes, the panic attacks may come on all of sudden after a certain traumatic or highly emotional event (that happened to my daughter after some harassment at school). She's pretty much out of the woods now with Paxil and Seroquel but we do continue therapy, too.

And, that's what I would recommend for you, from my humble and far from wise opinion. Seek professional therapy. It's not something of which to be ashamed as it can really help to return to a more normal daily life, free from worry and fear and anxiety. Find out what your insurance will cover or find referrals from friends/family. Maybe even go to a crisis center in your area where a psychiatric professional can attempt to diagnose and even prescribe if necessary (psychologists cannot prescribe medicine).

Sounds like you have a good family behind you and seek comfort in that as best you can.

I do hope the best for you.

Later...

 

[mdennison]

Good topic

I'm 23 and cracked like an egg when I was 19. Was watching the ending of Mad Max at about 3am on a Friday night(i'll never forget that night) and for some reason I felt like the world was ending and that I had to go to the emergency room. For the next two weeks I could barely eat, sleep, could not leave the house, thought the world was ending and that I would never come out of the whole thing. Had to go on disability from work. I had never experienced anxiety/agoraphobia before either.

So after about 2 weeks and some help from my GF I was able to leave the house and go on short drives. Went to psychologist/therapists and they did not help at all. They gave me xanax, paxil, buspar, etc... and none of them did anything for me.

Basically, I read about "self-talk" and applied it. Took about 5 months to make my %95 recovery. I'm back at the same job and almost finished with my degree.

The whole deal has been an important experience to me and taught me that those things can happen to anyone. Honestly, it ended up helping me more than hindering.

Good luck and just remember that it is all in your head!

edit: just read response from Conjur and still stand by my PERSONAL experience Some people have chemical imbalances, that was not the case with me. Drugs are not the answer to this(imo), fulfillment and satisfaction in life are. again, Good Luck!