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Hump Day Joke Ewwwwww

I

Infos

Diamond Member
Possible
========

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my
head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at
my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded,
"Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"


😉
 
Einstein
========

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's
circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back
to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet
another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur
(a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that
he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you
give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's
cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur
gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered
a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric
question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there
to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so
simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back,
answer it for me."


 
Balls
=====

Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the
garbage cans. Car door slams, some cussing, then the
garage door opens, slams. Suddenly more crashing and
clattering and cussing, then John comes into the house with
his golf clubs, scowling and cussing.

"What's the matter, Dear?
Did you have as bad day on the golf course?" asked Mary.

"Ya, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf!
Why I only hit two good balls all day, and I wouldn't have hit them
if I hadn't stepped on the rake in the garage!"
 
Rowdy Bar
=========

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible DUI's.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars
before he found his.
Then he sat in the front seat fumbling
around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."





😉😛
 
Confucius says:


Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be a shiftless bastard.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
Man who far&s in church sits alone in pew.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Modern house without toilet uncanny.
Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth.
Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk?
Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Passionate kiss like spider web: lead to undoing of fly.
Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
Man who fights with wife all day, gets no peace at night.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.
Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
Woman who flies upside-down have crack up.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
Man who have head up a&&, have shi&&y outlook on life.
Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
He who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
Epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
Sleepy man who stand behind car get exhausted.
Sleepy man who stand in front of car get tired.
Man who go to bed with itchy a&&, wakes up with smelly fingers.
Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot.
Man who have hand in pockets, not crazy, just feeling nuts.



:Q😀😛
 
Old one, but still cracks me up 😉


The Top 13 Reasons to Go to Work Naked




Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

You want to see if it's like the dream.

So that -- with a little help from Muzak -- you can add "Exotic Dancer"
to your exaggerated resume.

Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.

People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

Because setting the nation's monetary policy and keeping
Andrea Mitchell satisfied requires a delicate balance.

Keeps that snooty Ruth Bader-Ginsberg on her toes.

and the Number 1 Reason to Go to Work Naked...


Because the President insists when Hillary's out of town.
 
I posted this before but I'll bet you didn't see it 🙂

The Top 13 Cool New Features in AOL 7.0




Easy tutorial helps users count past 6.0.

NOW WITH Mixed CASE!

Ads promising penis enlargement are conveniently stored in their own *special* file.

Now only sucks out three-quarters of your soul.

Pop-ups! More Pop-ups! Oh wait, that's actually true and it's not funny at all.

Buddy List automatically includes Larry King, whether you want him or not.

Identifies the best porn on the Internet so you know precisely which sites to, um, avoid.

"Click Here to Admit You Have No Idea How This Works."

Automatically filters out all email from Hormel Foods, Inc.
We're not sure why, but users seem to want it.

Pedophiles now 50% creepier!

Uninstalling AOL is now as easy as tossing your computer
in the dumpster and buying a new one.

Links to stuff. AOL keyword: stuff.

and the Number 1 Cool New Feature in AOL 7.0...


Can now be installed rectally.




😱
 
Hey Infos.....stop neffing and just edit your original thread with the new jokes.....trying to up yoor post count......now THAT is a joke.
 
Hey Zwingle If you don't like it don't read my threads you dolt :disgust:

The Top 15 Ways to Celebrate Walt Disney's 100th Birthday




Stand in lines at Disneyland until *you* turn 100.

Annoy the Magic Mirror by asking "Do these pants make my butt look big?"

Divert a few of those cruise missiles from Afghanistan over to "It's a Small World."

Commemorative jump-from-cake/lap dance by Minnie Mouse.

Give your girlfriend a ride on the ol' Matterhorn... but be sure to make her wait in line for 45 minutes first.

Go to Times Square to watch Walt's frozen head drop at midnight.

Put "Bedknobs & Broomsticks" in the VCR, turn sound down, crank up Dark Side of the Moon.

Same as every day: Go to your favorite bar dressed as the eighth dwarf, "Horny."

Just for grins, add Walt's decomposed corpse to the Haunted Mansion ride.

Finally release forgotten masterpiece "101 Angry Rottweilers."

Find an innocent child whose youthful imagination is undimmed
by adult concerns, turn him upside down and shake all the change out of his pockets.

Thrash those pasty-faced Pixar pantywaists in annual tequila slammer competition.

Have a "Donald Day" and wear a sailor shirt with no pants.

"Lovely party, and that ice sculpture looks
EXACTLY like Walt -- OH, MY GOD!!!"

and the Number 1 Way to Celebrate Walt Disney's 100th Birthday...


Make your underpants the Happiest Place on Earth by dressing
up the little Grand Marshall and having your own Pants Parade.









Hunting flies
=============

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone,"
he responded.


😛
 


<< Hey Infos.....stop neffing and just edit your original thread with the new jokes.....trying to up yoor post count......now THAT is a joke. >>



hes right but i forgive u cauze they are good jokes
 
Mother-In-Law
===========

[ Rated PG ]

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man
in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half.
Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood.
Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed,
"The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon.
"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."


😉



Here's an old one for Friday Night 😱


A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies
had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son,
"The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean
but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer
he talks, the dumber he gets."

 
The Top 16 Worst Toys This Holiday Season
(Part I)




Big Wheel Zamboni

Rock 'em Sock 'em "Springer" Guests

"Super Happy Fun Sticks" -- From the fine people at The Altria Group

G.I. Joe and G.I. Dave Don't Ask, Don't Tell action figures

Walt Disney's "101 Hurricane Names" Video

My First Meth Lab

Lil' Scientist Home Anthrax Lab

Hasbro Bucket o' Broken Glass

Wal-Mart Barbie, complete with tube top, NASCAR back tattoo, and sixth toe

Larry King's Plastic Ass-Kissin' Lips

MacGyver Action Hero Kit -- 3 paperclips, a bent spoon and some toenail clippings

Plant 'n' Watch Grass

John Ashcroft Junior G-Man Kit -- with Constitution shredder!

The Package That's Exactly the Same Size and Weight as an X-Box
but Turns Out to Contain a Pair of Sensible Brown Slacks

Rubik's Pube

and the Number 1 Worst Toy This Holiday Season...


"My First Time" Britney Spears Life-Size Anatomically Correct Action Figure

 
In Missouri, a court ordered that the Ku Klux Klan
should be allowed to participate in the state's
Adopt-A-Highway program, in which various community
groups occasionally clean up litter along designated
one-mile stretches of highway, in return for a sign
being posted identifying them as the sponsor.
Officials discovered, however, that no sooner do
the Klan signs go up than some rascals take them down.

And with no sign, how do you know if you're on a Klan highway?

We thought you might ask...


The Top 13 Signs You're On a Klan-Adopted Highway




Signs say, "Clean Sheets -- Next Exit"

No roadkill in sight -- but the Triple K Diner's Monday special is "Highway Surprise."

IQ- and Speed-limits are identical: 55

Every hundred feet, another Clorox Bleach billboard.

"Soft Shoulder" signs always followed by "Bone-Hard Head" signs.

Each mileage marker gives distance to Alabama state line.

Road sign says, "Now entering 19th Century"

At every exit, another damn Denny's.

Hand-lettered signs read, "GRAND WIZERD EXRESWAIY"

Accidentally hit a black bear? Get a good Samaritan award!

Dorky Day-Glo orange pointy hardhats on roadside workers.

David Duke personally welcomes you at the toll both.

and the Number 1 Sign You're On a Klan-Adopted Highway...


Sign reads, "No Oprah for next 200 miles"
 


<< hmm

why do you ppl care if he posts the jokes in one post or not...


i had fun reading them anyways 😀 >>


Ditto.
 
I don't mind if he posts it in different posts. Good stuff, let him rack up a few posts. A little easier to read that way too.

Computer show is in 4 hours.... so.... 🙂

Top 10 signs you spend too much at the local computer show.

10) They have a parking spot reserved just for you.
9) You can still see the handstamp on your hand from the last computer show.
8) Your wallet has so much cash in it you have a hard time getting it in and out of your pocket.
7) The bank always transfers extra cash in the day before you go to the computer show.
6) As you walk in, the door checker yells out your name and all the vendors give you a big cheer.
5) EVERY vendor knows you by name.
4) You usually have to rent a uhaul to carry all your purchases.
3) Your chirporactor always reserves an appointment for you the day after the show.
2) Despite the big lines at most vendors, you always get to go to the head of the line.

And the #1 sign you spend too much at the local computer show...
1) You always get at least 60 Christmas cards every year from the computer show vendors.
 
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