How much should I help my friend?

[kranky]

Sorry, I can't do cliffs for this. Need some serious input.

My friend of many years has fallen on terribly hard times. His wife is divorcing him because she found her old high school bf on the Internet and wants to live with the old bf. He has no money, job or car. His food stamps won't be available until December. He's living at a YMCA only because his therapist fronted the rent money to the YMCA for the month. The YMCA is in a very bad neighborhood, and the other residents are crackheads for the most part. He qualifies for state disability payments of $210 a month until February due to severe depression.

While he was in the hospital a couple weeks ago (his Dr decided he had to go off his antidepressant, and he needed a full detox to do it), his fellow YMCA residents stole his disability check, forged his signature, and smoked it up. It will take weeks to replace it through the bureaucracy.

He's had a pretty tough go of things for many years, and his family (none live in the area) doesn't want to give him any more money.

Another friend and I have helped him out with money for food and phone cards for the last two months. I don't know if he's using the money for crack or not - I don't know how to tell. He says he's clean, but I can't be 100% sure. He could be selling the phone cards for cash for all I know, but I don't think he is.

I don't mind giving him money for food, but not if he's using. He has no refrigerator so he can't really buy perishable food. If I don't give him money for food, he will have no way to eat until December. That's the situation. Even if I gave him gift cards to the supermarket and gift certificates to the fast food places, if he was determined he could sell them for cash.

How much money does someone need to eat for a week? He's close to a supermarket and a couple fast food joints.

How could I tell if he's using? I don't think he'd lie to me, but crackheads aren't known for being honest. He never touched crack before moving into the YMCA two months ago, and told me he only did it three times. But he's got the personality type that doesn't like to say no to drugs.

And what kinds of jobs could be available to someone like that - no car (bus service is available), can't pass a credit check, not sure if he could pass a drug test, severe depression but physically fit? Pay is completely irrelevant - a minimum wage job for 25 hours a week would be huge. I don't know enough about that underground economy to know where people get jobs where they are paid under the table with no questions asked.

 

[Eli]

How about buying the food yourself and giving it to him? At least then you would know he's getting food if that's your biggest concern.

If he's really cracked out, I think you would be able to tell.. he would act differently than he did before using the drugs. He won't care about his appearance or hygeine.

Red, bloodshot eyes, restlessness, anxiety, altered sleep patterns, weight loss.. can also be symptoms of crack use. They could also be attributed to his depression(which is another sign of crack use in and of itself).. so it's really hard to tell.

Pretty much any minimum wage job would be good for him, but he'll most likely have to pass a drug test.

As for how much money someone needs for food a week, 25$ a week minimum to eat dirt cheap(canned and boxed foods, ramen, etc).

 

[Baked]

If you wanna help your friend, give him food and shelter, but never money, NEVER! And that's all I gotta say. Hope your friend get his act together and turn his life around.

 

[snoturtle]

may want to see if he can find a job in a factory type job
if he is in good shape that might help

Even if its a seasonal position

 

[xSauronx]

Originally posted by: Baked
If you wanna help your friend, give him food and shelter, but never money, NEVER! And that's all I gotta say. Hope your friend get his act together and turn his life around.

indeed.

 

[Ronstang]

If any of my friends turned to drugs then my sympathy and help would end.

 

[tweakmm]

Originally posted by: Eli


How about buying the food yourself and giving it to him? At least then you would know he's getting food if that's your biggest concern.

If he's really cracked out, I think you would be able to tell.. he would act differently than he did before using the drugs. He won't care about his appearance or hygeine.

Red, bloodshot eyes, restlessness, anxiety, altered sleep patterns, weight loss.. can also be symptoms of crack use. They could also be attributed to his depression(which is another sign of crack use in and of itself).. so it's really hard to tell.

From what I've seen it's entirely possible to keep all manner of hard drug habits under control and on the down low for a while at least. Unless you see him cracked-out or crashing from a binge you probaly won't be able to tell. Plus, given the fact that he's got depression issues, the symptoms of the rock might be masked.

You've gotta be a crack smoker longer for two months or be one hell of a crack-head to become a real "crack-head".

That's a real tough situation to be in, I certainly wouldn't want to support any of my friend's drug problems.

 

[meltdown75]

that's a tough situation. i hope for his sake that he stays clean somehow.

if you are helping him at all you are a great friend in my opinion. seems like you have already given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions and that's the sign of a good friend. i hope he's not abusing your trust. there's only so much you can do though - he has to help himself as well. best of luck with the situation.

 

[Rapidskies]

I would take him out to eat and stay in touch with him but I wouldn't invite him into your home or give him money. It would suck to have a drug bust and you get arrested for his drugs. I would also try and help get him into any drug treatment program you could if HE really wants to stop/keep of drugs. It's commendable in how you care about your friend just be careful you don't get used and abused, you are a true friend indeed.

 

[sixone]

Tough call. Unless you can get him off the streets and away from the sources that he knows, nothing will change. He needs an in-patient treatment center, that can get him off the bad drugs and on to the ones he needs. Old habits die hard, and he needs more than you can give him right now.

 

[kranky]

Thanks for the inputs. I think I will try, next time he calls, to buy the food. Since he has no refrigeration/cooking abilities, it will have to be stuff that's ready to eat. That's still better than wondering if he's using the food money for crack.

Will be trying to help him find some work.

 

[Maleficus]

Originally posted by: Ronstang
If any of my friends turned to drugs then my sympathy and help would end.

True blue friend till the end I see, you're an idiot.

 

[tami]

you're doing the best you can, kranky, and i applaud you for your efforts. you are indeed a great friend.

best of luck!

 

[Cristatus]

I was wondering, if he's not on the drugs, why don't you take him in? That's what I would've done, but then again, we're asian. Even still, this method of helping is not bad. I hope he pulls through.

 

[kranky]

Originally posted by: logic1485
I was wondering, if he's not on the drugs, why don't you take him in?

Fair question. IMHO he needs to get a job and find a place to live. If I took him in it would be too easy for him to just stagnate. Where I live there's no bus service and that would make it nearly impossible to get a job, but where he is now he has good transit options.

He needs to motivate himself to take positive steps, and giving him a place to live wouldn't help, I think.

 

[HardcoreRobot]

you could give prepaid CC / gift CC

it would be accepted anywhere he bought food and you could track the purchases

he could try hanging out with immigrants as a day laborer. im pretty sure the pay is just given as cash at the end of the day (though im led to believe it may not be a fair amount).

 

[gigapet]

you have a big heart....but on the same token why are you responsible for his wreck of a life? You gotta know when to walk away man. Trust me I've had to do to some old buddies of mine as well....but if I didn't I know that they just would have brought me down with them one way or another.

 

[sniperruff]

it'll be tough to keep him in check. but i think working in the said supermarket will work (~$7 an hour hopefully). lets say 6 hours a day and that will get him ~$250 a week. so just pay his rent and give him some clothes and let him figure his food out.

 

[ajf3]

How old is he? Can he enlist in the army? Food, healthcare, discipline, training, gets him away from the bad element, etc?

 

[kranky]

Originally posted by: ajf3
How old is he? Can he enlist in the army? Food, healthcare, discipline, training, gets him away from the bad element, etc?

Great idea but he's much too old for the army. But I had another friend who was struggling who did take that route a few months ago and it was the best thing in the world for him.

 

[Feldenak]

Well, every situation and friendship is different, but I would probably take him in. I would give him a timeline for getting a job and back on his feet, it wouldn't be written in stone but he'd have to show continual effort/progress. That YMCA sounds like a difficult place to try and restart a life. Plus, my hope would be that using my address for job apps and such would look better to potential employers than the local Y.