How much have you changed during your adult years?

[KingstonU]

Then I would be inclined to give the relationship a future.

I sense that when she reached the point of trusting you she wanted you to know about her back-story. This is normal in any close relationship. She trusted you and you seem to have gone into shock. That will be hurtful to her. But you are being honest.

What happens in college/ university in the western world is not always intelligent and decorous. A relationship that lasts the weekend is regarded as 'enduring'. It is a time for exploration and experiment. I don't take drugs now but I tried lots then. There was lots of casual sex and rank stupidity. That's what she did too.
By trusting you, she thought that you would be strong enough and loving enough to handle the information maturely.
You need to be honest with each other at this point. If you are so undermined by her revelations that you cannot see a way forward then you should tell her. But there are few virgin brides these days. Most women have a back-story of some sort. If you reverse the genders then no one would look askance at a guy who plays the field and gets lucky.

When Burma fell to the Japanese in 1941/2 many high-class young British women were forced by the Japanese to work in their army brothels. Most went on to marry decent men and raise happy families after the war.

People can get over this stuff.....

Part of me is contemplating this as I am emotionally invested in this person and we get along so well together.

But what makes it difficult is that I had told her, and was very clear when we first started dating, that those kinds of things and that kind of behavior are very hard deal breakers for me, and so there would be no point to continue dating if that was the case.

So she lied about some of those things and just didn't tell the whole truth on some of the other things. She waited until she knew that I was in love with her, hoping that I would be able to get over it. So this was hurtful to me, and in my view is very unfair and selfish. But now I love her so her plan worked in some ways I guess

In some ways at least it was HER that told me about it rather than me finding out by other means (and those kinds of skeletons ALWAYS come out of the closet at some point). But we could never have quite the same relationship as before, it could never be quite the same.

 

[Rebel_L]

Part of me is contemplating this as I am emotionally invested in this person and we get along so well together.

But what makes it difficult is that I had told her, and was very clear when we first started dating, that those kinds of things and that kind of behavior are very hard deal breakers for me, and so there would be no point to continue dating if that was the case.

So she lied about some of those things and just didn't tell the whole truth on some of the other things. She waited until she knew that I was in love with her, hoping that I would be able to get over it. So this was hurtful to me, and in my view is very unfair and selfish. But now I love her so her plan worked in some ways I guess

In some ways at least it was HER that told me about it rather than me finding out by other means (and those kinds of skeletons ALWAYS come out of the closet at some point). But we could never have quite the same relationship as before, it could never be quite the same.

I am very hesitant to say to much more since I really don't know either of you well enough to actually give you any advice, but I do I want to point out an observation that I comes across to me in your txt. Just by questioning if someone can change you come across to me as one of the people who doesn't change very much himself (this doesn't have to be true, it could have just been enough of a moral shocker coming through).

I have over my life had several really close friends, and have observed this in couples too. Whenever you have one person in the relationship that is open to change and one that is not, they seem to slowly drift apart at some point. Call it an overall directional change, both were walking the same path to start and got along really well, but then as time goes on one changes while the other is not willing too, they start to walk separate paths. Its not a bad ending, its just a slow drifting apart until most of the commonalities that they shared are gone. For couples I have seen it most often in the ones that got together when they were young, as the understandings of who they are and what they really value grows they find that they are now different than their partner and the relationship becomes really tough for them.

If change gives you a lot of trouble personally consider that when thinking about the future. If this girl is one who is intent on high levels introspection and personal growth, it is something you will also need to be willing to do or you will likely end up drifting apart eventually.

 

[Caravaggio]

Part of me is contemplating this as I am emotionally invested in this person and we get along so well together.

Well, to be trite, that is a good start. When the exciting crisp blizzard of early intimacy is replaced by the mushy slush of daily reality, "getting along together" matters hugely, for survival in the longer term.

But what makes it difficult is that I had told her, and was very clear when we first started dating, that those kinds of things and that kind of behavior are very hard deal breakers for me, and so there would be no point to continue dating if that was the case.

But you are still seeing each other, right?
She failed your key test....but you are still bonded. Now why is that?

In post 27, Rebel L offers you very sound advice from the opposite end of the telescope I'm looking through. He is right to question YOUR capacity for change. I have read enough of his stuff to know that he is a wise and considerate person.
Consider what he says...
But I have a little (just a little) more faith in your capacity for change. Why? Because you already have. YOU broke YOUR rule, once she was frank with you.

So she lied about some of those things and just didn't tell the whole truth on some of the other things. She waited until she knew that I was in love with her, hoping that I would be able to get over it. So this was hurtful to me, and in my view is very unfair and selfish. But now I love her so her plan worked in some ways I guess

In a sense, yes. But she will really piss you off if, at a later point, you see yourself as the victim of her cunning!

You need to talk about this. It is better to split now than bump into one of her ex-lovers in 20 years time who says something nasty that crushes you. Imagine that scene, and decide, honestly, if you could hack that? If the answer is 'no' then end it now, waste no more time together.
If you can say 'yes' because you love each other and all 'secrets ' have been shared and thus neutralised, then you are the one with the cojones.
You are intelligent adults who like each other. She lied to you, not because she is a 'liar' by nature, but because past honesty had freaked-out previous partners. Her 'economy with the truth' was necessary for her to lay new foundations with you. But that is a measure of how much she wants this to work.

In some ways at least it was HER that told me about it rather than me finding out by other means

You got it! Talk it through...

(By the way, Rebel and I have very low charges for conjoint therapy sessions.)

 

[007ELmO]

I am very hesitant to say to much more since I really don't know either of you well enough to actually give you any advice, but I do I want to point out an observation that I comes across to me in your txt. Just by questioning if someone can change you come across to me as one of the people who doesn't change very much himself (this doesn't have to be true, it could have just been enough of a moral shocker coming through).

I have over my life had several really close friends, and have observed this in couples too. Whenever you have one person in the relationship that is open to change and one that is not, they seem to slowly drift apart at some point. Call it an overall directional change, both were walking the same path to start and got along really well, but then as time goes on one changes while the other is not willing too, they start to walk separate paths. Its not a bad ending, its just a slow drifting apart until most of the commonalities that they shared are gone. For couples I have seen it most often in the ones that got together when they were young, as the understandings of who they are and what they really value grows they find that they are now different than their partner and the relationship becomes really tough for them.

If change gives you a lot of trouble personally consider that when thinking about the future. If this girl is one who is intent on high levels introspection and personal growth, it is something you will also need to be willing to do or you will likely end up drifting apart eventually.

I used to harp on my Ex when she said it was acceptable if I got high/smoked weed, I told her I wouldn't accept that from her. She said I was judging her. I said yes, I was, because I don't judge friends but I do have standards for my girlfriend.

Now that we're not dating anymore I'll tell you to loosen up, if you like more things than not about your woman - once they're gone, you'll miss them.

 

[Dude111]

I've had this discussion with many people and most people I talk to say that they haven't really changed a significant amount during their adult years. Of course they will grow and be shaped by having more life experiences now, but for the most part they are the same person.

I disagree with them... MOST PEOPLE HAVE CHANGED SINCE THE 90s!!!!!!!

PEOPLE DONT CARE ABOUT THIER PRIVACY (Or anyone elses) and they think CRAP IS GOOD!!

I thankfully have not been compromised by the elite -- I still have use of MY OWN MIND,I thankfully still know what good is,etc.......... (I have the same values I had in the 80s and earlier thankfully)


I am grateful for this.........

 

[SMOGZINN]

I disagree with them... MOST PEOPLE HAVE CHANGED SINCE THE 90s!!!!!!!

PEOPLE DONT CARE ABOUT THIER PRIVACY (Or anyone elses) and they think CRAP IS GOOD!!

I thankfully have not been compromised by the elite -- I still have use of MY OWN MIND,I thankfully still know what good is,etc.......... (I have the same values I had in the 80s and earlier thankfully)


I am grateful for this.........

So, what you are saying is no matter how popular VHS is Betamax is better and you are going to continue to use it?

 

[Dude111]

I think VHS is more popular than Beta isnt it?? (For some reason BETA faded away)

 

[clamum]

I don't think I've changed a great deal in my lifetime but there have definitely been some changes.

As far as politics, I was very liberal in high school to about 21 years of age (just search on my oldest posts here, lol). Around 23 I began questioning my views and paying more attention to politics and history, and am now pretty libertarian (little 'l') and would never identify myself as a "liberal" as I once did. But I'm not quite "conservative" either. I chalk up this change to naivety I guess.

I'd say I've become more extroverted as time passes. I'm still a definite introvert, but I'm more at ease around people and am more likely to speak up and talk to random people than I used to be. I still don't share my feelings but though, except for say to a girlfriend. But I'm normally quite guarded and it's something I'm trying to be more open about. I'm still pretty damn shy though.

I also used to be into taking drugs quite a bit from about 19 to 21 (recreationally). I'd try anything and pretty much did. Now you couldn't pay me to even smoke pot. But I've found I am prone to addiction and am a recovering alcoholic so that's also influenced by views regarding drugs.

Hmmm. Guess that's about it.