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How much have you changed during your adult years?

How much have you changed as a person over the course of your adult years?

  • I have pretty much remained the same person my whole life.

  • Since becoming an adult I have not changed much.

  • Over the course of my adult years I have changed somewhat.

  • Over the course of my adult years I have become a COMPLETELY different person.

  • I am still 22 years of age or younger.

Results are only viewable after voting.
K

KingstonU

Golden Member
Like the title says (I also attempted a poll)

How much would you say you have changed during your adult years? I am excluding anything up until the age of say 18 from the comparison. So if you are in your 30's, or 40's, 50's etc... how do you compare yourself to 10, 20, 30 years prior? Are you a much different person to when you were 18-22 years old? (or any age gap within your adult years)

I've had this discussion with many people and most people I talk to say that they haven't really changed a significant amount during their adult years. Of course they will grow and be shaped by having more life experiences now, but for the most part they are the same person.

Has anyone had a DRASTIC personality change? Or drastic change to their outlook on life? Drastic change to your basic moral values that you had while you were growing up? I would love to hear any stories or opinions on the topic.

Back story to this is kind of irrelevant but here: Recently ran into a a situation where someone I was dating, who is 31, turned out to have a number of skeletons in her closet from a long time ago. Effectively she says (and appears to be) a COMPLETELY different person today compared to the person she was in her early 20's. And I am talking about moral values and everything , which it kinda freaked me out because I am skeptical that people ever do change any significant amount. I myself feel like I am pretty much the same person.
 
Have you tried the article on Wiki called the 'Person-Situation' debate?
If you do you will realise why your questionnaire is so hard to answer.

We all have a sense of a cohesive and developing self with some sheet-anchor principles guiding our behaviour throughout our lives. But social psychology shows that we delude ourselves about such noble 'constancies'.
Look at the work of Milgram and Asch on obedience to authority and group conformity. We are all shamed by the awful truth that we are little 'Zeligs', human chameleons which change our hues and our values according to the social environment.
Most of us cannot imagine electrocuting a harmless stranger to death, but when told to do so by a scientist in a white coat, Milgram demonstrated that two thirds of American adults would do so. The figure was higher in 1960's west Germany.

Sadly, we trick ourselves with the notion of an integrated personality. Perhaps IQ is one of the few traits impervious to the social context.
Oh, if you have not seen Woody Allen's film 'Zelig' (1983), treat yourself. It is an insane romp with a very serious message.
 
Are you asking if life had no effect on me? Did I ever learn anything or experience pain?
Might it be All of the above and a combination of all the above? (except the 22 year old one)
 
Going from 22 to 28 I'm becoming exactly like my parents, which is funny.

Everyone jokes about stuff like that but can't ever explain the process. Alot of it has to do with up-keeping a house/apartment/budget on your own. Cooking food at home saves massive $$$. Even on a day off I can be like alright, time to clean the kitchen and make some leftovers for the next few days.

You wouldn't have caught me dead in college even eating leftovers... or making anything other than something microwaved... etc.

I need to be productive just about everyday and so drinking is totally out of the question. And to that end sleeping/eating well are now huge priorities. Where as I used to pull all nighters eating junk and studying. I can't really tell what part of that is getting older and you can't stay up all night the older you get versus if I was just really stupid and unproductive with my time as a 22yr old.
 
Actually whats kind of interesting is I used to be more bold online, and more timid in person.

But today its the total opposite.

I can only tell in person via body languages cues and stuff if its okay to tell a shocking joke versus online where I feel like someone is going to dig it up 10 years later out of context and haunt me with it. I'm actually alot more at ease IRL than online now. Because I have no idea who I'm talking to online.
 
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I have certainly had large changes in that time frame, but I am kind of curious where your interests lie.

I still like puzzle's, I still like the same colors, still prefer the same genre of movies, tv shows, and books. So from an observer perspective what I do has not changed so drastically.

Internally though I went from a depressed, angry, and near suicidal person to a much better adjusted optimist who is enjoying life. As for the pace of change I have to say it took long time to go through the process from one to the other, the change though was actually a fairly quick thing, it was just took a long time to figure out what I needed to deal with and then to actually finish dealing with it so I could move on.
 
I used to be a very conservative, ambitious, goal-oriented, corporate ladder climber. Money and status was important to me, and my ethics were, um, flexible. I was a true believer in the idea that the way to the top was to climb the bodies of your rivals. Everything was a competition. Live fast and burn out young.

And boy did I. My whole world collapsed. I learned a whole lot about compassion and the importance of ethics and how those relate to friendship. I learned that money is a tool, and that it can buy happiness, but collecting it does not. But most importantly I learned to be content.

I am not nearly the the same person I was 15 years ago, but that person is still me.
 
Thanks for the responses and contributions to the discussion so far! 🙂

The back story sort of indicated what brought on this question and how I am largely focused on a change in moral values.

But I am also very open to hearing the various ways people chose to interpret the question.

Just to elaborate a bit more on the back story that brought up this question and my current view of it. This person I was dating claimed she has done some bad things in her past, "But that was ~10 years ago!" and she is "a different person now!". A lot of this kind of plays into the old question of "Can a person ever really change?"

Many people are of the opinion that people cannot really change. And when I ask people about themselves, I find most of them describe themselves as not having changed much over the course of their lives. (though this is a small sample of people).

With regards primarily to core moral values, I myself at 28, feel like I am almost entirely the same person I was when I was 22, 18, or even 12 years old.

However, with regards to general interests and passions and perspective on life (in ways not pertaining to core moral values) I can say that I am a considerably different person in many ways.
 
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KingstonU said:
Thanks for the responses and contributions to the discussion so far! 🙂

The back story sort of indicated what brought on this question and how I am largely focused on a change in moral values.

But I am also very open to hearing the various ways people chose to interpret the question.

Just to elaborate a bit more on the back story that brought up this question and my current view of it. This person I was dating claimed she has done some bad things in her past, "But that was ~10 years ago!" and she is "a different person now!". A lot of this kind of plays into the old question of "Can a person ever really change?"

Many people are of the opinion that people cannot really change. And when I ask people about themselves, I find most of them describe themselves as not having changed much over the course of their lives. (though this is a small sample of people).

With regards primarily to core moral values, I myself at 28, feel like I am almost entirely the same person I was when I was 22, 18, or even 12 years old.

However, with regards to general interests and passions and perspective on life (in ways not pertaining to core moral values) I can say that I am a considerably different person in many ways.
Click to expand...

So, here is that prime question you need to ask yourself in regards to this:

Think of something you did when you were 12, 18, and 22 years old. Something that you know is wrong, something you regret. Do you think you would make the same mistake today?

The real question you are asking is, do we learn from our mistakes?

Some bad things come about because of bad ethics but most are simply from making poor choices due to inexperience. It takes a lot of living to be able to aptly predict, and really understand, the long term consequences of our actions. It is common for 18, and even 22 year olds, to think that their life is basically over by 40, so why worry about consequences of actions that will occur after that?

As we grow older we learn that long term consequences matter. We have learned from our mistakes, and often re-evaluate our ethics around this understanding. In short we change.

Not everyone does this. Some are simply not intelligent enough, some have been sheltered from the consequences of their actions, and other simply are too sociopathic to care. And sometimes we don't get it right even when we do care. Sometimes our experiences have taught us the wrong lessons, or we come to bad conclusions and have to learn that with experience. We are, all of us, a work in progress.
But I know that a person can both change from moral failings and learn from experiencing bad choices. I have done both.
 
SMOGZINN said:
...Think of something you did when you were 12, 18, and 22 years old. Something that you know is wrong, something you regret. Do you think you would make the same mistake today?

The real question you are asking is, do we learn from our mistakes?

Some bad things come about because of bad ethics but most are simply from making poor choices due to inexperience. It takes a lot of living to be able to aptly predict, and really understand, the long term consequences of our actions. It is common for 18, and even 22 year olds, to think that their life is basically over by 40, so why worry about consequences of actions that will occur after that?

As we grow older we learn that long term consequences matter. We have learned from our mistakes, and often re-evaluate our ethics around this understanding. In short we change.

Not everyone does this. Some are simply not intelligent enough, some have been sheltered from the consequences of their actions, and other simply are too sociopathic to care. And sometimes we don't get it right even when we do care. Sometimes our experiences have taught us the wrong lessons, or we come to bad conclusions and have to learn that with experience. We are, all of us, a work in progress.
But I know that a person can both change from moral failings and learn from experiencing bad choices. I have done both.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the excellent post!

With me, I mean the things I knew were wrong when I was 12, 18, 22, 28.... I just always knew they were wrong even though no one told me, I always knew to be aware of potential the long term consequences. Even if back then I didn't really quite understand the "why's" or the intricacies, or the magnitude of the consequences, I always just had a sense that "I'm not quite sure why, but something tells me that I'll likely regret doing this one day."

Also there are SOME things that are simply THAT bad that they... cross a certain threshold. I just feel like there are SOME actions that cannot be tossed up to simple inexperience or environment or "a mistake". For someone to completely stop certain VERY BAD behavior, would represent a drastic change in that person. If a person tells you they are a different person that does not do that VERY BAD behavior anymore, "I'm a different person now!"... drastically different, can you believe them?
 
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KingstonU said:
Thanks for the excellent post!

With me, I mean the things I knew were wrong when I was 12, 18, 22, 28.... I just always knew they were wrong even though no one told me, I always knew to be aware of potential the long term consequences. Even if back then I didn't really quite understand the "why's" or the intricacies, or the magnitude of the consequences, I always just had a sense that "I'm not quite sure why, but something tells me that I'll likely regret doing this one day."

Also there are SOME things that are simply THAT bad that they... cross a certain threshold. I just feel like there are SOME actions that cannot be tossed up to simple inexperience or environment or "a mistake". For someone to completely stop certain VERY BAD behavior, would represent a drastic change in that person. If a person tells you they are a different person that does not do that VERY BAD behavior anymore, "I'm a different person now!"... drastically different, can you believe them?
Click to expand...

So,
You are talking about a Girl you met who was wildly Sexually Promiscuous.

Just how slutty was she:
* Banged an entire University on the beach more than 1 year in a row?
* Banged everyone in her freshman class?

My experience is very few change dramatically from such behavior--anything is possible, but it is unlikely.

You sound like a nice level headed Guy so I would advise being extremely careful with girls like this.

Wish you the Best!!
 
KingstonU said:
Thanks for the responses and contributions to the discussion so far! 🙂

The back story sort of indicated what brought on this question and how I am largely focused on a change in moral values.

But I am also very open to hearing the various ways people chose to interpret the question.

Just to elaborate a bit more on the back story that brought up this question and my current view of it. This person I was dating claimed she has done some bad things in her past, "But that was ~10 years ago!" and she is "a different person now!". A lot of this kind of plays into the old question of "Can a person ever really change?"

Many people are of the opinion that people cannot really change. And when I ask people about themselves, I find most of them describe themselves as not having changed much over the course of their lives. (though this is a small sample of people).

With regards primarily to core moral values, I myself at 28, feel like I am almost entirely the same person I was when I was 22, 18, or even 12 years old.

However, with regards to general interests and passions and perspective on life (in ways not pertaining to core moral values) I can say that I am a considerably different person in many ways.
Click to expand...

My sense of morality has certainly changed over the last 25 years, not large scale kind of changes, but certainly some change. One thing I have observed though is that circumstance often causes people to act counter to their moral beliefs. I have seen people have defense mechanisms that run counter to what they would consider "good" yet it is the only way they can find to protect themselves (I have seen this most often when there is emotional abuse involved which is something rather sneaky as it leaves no physical signs that people can point to as proof).

In the end the only way to find about what a person is really like is too invest the time to get to know them really well. Our time is limited though and you can only spend so much time with people. If you think its worth it, then take the time, if its too much of a risk then spend the time getting to know someone else. I have always gotten at least something positive out of taking the time to get to know someone well.
 
x26 said:
So,
You are talking about a Girl you met who was wildly Sexually Promiscuous.

Just how slutty was she:
* Banged an entire University on the beach more than 1 year in a row?
* Banged everyone in her freshman class?

My experience is very few change dramatically from such behavior--anything is possible, but it is unlikely.

You sound like a nice level headed Guy so I would advise being extremely careful with girls like this.

Wish you the Best!!
Click to expand...

Thanks for the response and kind words.

You are not too far off the mark here. It feels so weird even just to type this out (I was in total shock) but what have I got to lose?

So this girl (31) seems to be an incredibly sweet, wholesome person who is heavily involved with her church and she just wants a family and a simple, honest life with a wholesome guy.

Then after ~6 months of dating she suddenly starts telling me that back in her university days she was quite the slut. Sex was like a priority, even hooking up with more than one guy in the same day...And the worst part? Her favorite thing to do was hooking up with married men. 😱 😱 😱 D:

I was in complete shock and it took me a while to even process what she had just told me...

I was very upset and broke it off and she just kept saying "That was 10 years ago! I have grown up since then! I am a different person now! Everyone has a past! I didn't think you would give me a chance if you knew that. In the past when I have gotten close to guys and I shared some of those things they lost interest when I told them. So I didn't want to tell you because I wanted you to give me a chance. After those days certain things happened in my life that made me grow up and I never want to be like that again."

I mean... I am not perfect but... I have never done anything even remotely like that. I NEVER would have guessed that about her. I still can't believe it. That's effectively a completely different person to the person I got to know. And would NEVER have dated her if I thought she was even remotely like that.

Am I wrong in thinking that those are some pretty big skeletons to have in one's closet? Or to assume that this is unhealthy behavior and must be the result of being emotionally damaged somehow?
 
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PS: I also did not want to limit the discussion to just what happened with that one example either (though the input and perspective is appreciated).

The range of interpretations and discussions to the original broader question by all has been enjoyable 🙂
 
KingstonU said:
Thanks for the response and kind words.

You are not too far off the mark here. It feels so weird even just to type this out (I was in total shock) but what have I got to lose?

So this girl (31) seems to be an incredibly sweet, wholesome person who is heavily involved with her church and she just wants a family and a simple, honest life with a wholesome guy.

Then after ~6 months of dating she suddenly starts telling me that back in her university days she was quite the slut. Sex was like a priority, even hooking up with more than one guy in the same day...And the worst part? Her favorite thing to do was hooking up with married men. 😱 😱 😱 D:

I was in complete shock and it took me a while to even process what she had just told me...

I was very upset and broke it off and she just kept saying "That was 10 years ago! I have grown up since then! I am a different person now! Everyone has a past! I didn't think you would give me a chance if you knew that. In the past when I have gotten close to guys and I shared some of those things they lost interest when I told them. So I didn't want to tell you because I wanted you to give me a chance. After those days certain things happened in my life that made me grow up and I never want to be like that again."

I mean... I am not perfect but... I have never done anything even remotely like that. I NEVER would have guessed that about her. I still can't believe it. That's effectively a completely different person to the person I got to know. And would NEVER have dated her if I thought she was even remotely like that.

Am I wrong in thinking that those are some pretty big skeletons to have in one's closet? Or to assume that this is unhealthy behavior and must be the result of being emotionally damaged somehow?
Click to expand...

"Am I wrong in thinking that those are some pretty big skeletons to have in one's closet? Or to assume that this is unhealthy behavior and must be the result of being emotionally damaged somehow?[/QUOTE]

No, I don't think you are wrong.
 
I've changed a tremendous amount. But a little bit of the old me still hangs around.

I used to be an explosive, impulsive person that could never sit still.

Now I've got a Uni degree, dream job, wife, kids and really can't complain. I'm a lot more passive and laid back now days. Maybe too much of a stiff in some peoples eyes .

But yes, I've changed, for the better.
 
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KingstonU said:
This whole thing troubles me and makes it very difficult.

But the answer to the first question is 'yes', and to the second question I believe is also 'yes'.
Click to expand...

Then I would be inclined to give the relationship a future.

I sense that when she reached the point of trusting you she wanted you to know about her back-story. This is normal in any close relationship. She trusted you and you seem to have gone into shock. That will be hurtful to her. But you are being honest.

What happens in college/ university in the western world is not always intelligent and decorous. A relationship that lasts the weekend is regarded as 'enduring'. It is a time for exploration and experiment. I don't take drugs now but I tried lots then. There was lots of casual sex and rank stupidity. That's what she did too.
By trusting you, she thought that you would be strong enough and loving enough to handle the information maturely.
You need to be honest with each other at this point. If you are so undermined by her revelations that you cannot see a way forward then you should tell her. But there are few virgin brides these days. Most women have a back-story of some sort. If you reverse the genders then no one would look askance at a guy who plays the field and gets lucky.

When Burma fell to the Japanese in 1941/2 many high-class young British women were forced by the Japanese to work in their army brothels. Most went on to marry decent men and raise happy families after the war.

People can get over this stuff.....
 
I changed during college (20), at age college graduation with first job (22), first time with a job and living on my own (25), first house (27). Since then not much has changed.
 
KingstonU said:
So this girl (31) seems to be an incredibly sweet, wholesome person who is heavily involved with her church and she just wants a family and a simple, honest life with a wholesome guy.
Click to expand...

Here is something to consider: If you believe in those stories that the church tells, then you must also believe in the ability for a person to change. Those stories are all about mankind's ability to be redeemed. They are about forgiveness and the ability to choose to be better.
 
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TeeJay1952 said:
Two reasons relationships fail:
1. People Change
2. People Don't Change
Click to expand...



That is so friggin true!
Next up on Maury Povitch -

My boyfriend is not allowed to cheat but I am because I am a girl!
Girls can cheat because we are not a man!


I laughed then turned the tv off.
 
Other than acquiring a more expressive, um, list of words to use, I haven't changed much since I was two years old.
 
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