How is this for the intro to my paper?

Freedom of speech is a fundamental right that every human being should enjoy, no matter what peroid of time it is, or where that person may live. The right ot freedom of speech secures us from tyranny and opression. It forces one to think of arguments that could be stronger or weaker, and forces one to make a decision reguarding those agruments. It keeps the vigor and passions of those respective agruments in mind and never lets the spirit of them die. The silencing of freedom of speech is the silencing of the human spirit, the denial of will, and a horrific act which holds the human race in its most primative forms.


Spelling aside, how does it look? My paper is on freedom of speech using the arguments of John Staurt Mill.

 

[minendo]

Freedom of speech, a fundamental right that every human being should enjoy, no matter what peroid of time it is, or where that person may live.

The above is not even a sentence.

 

Originally posted by: minendo

Freedom of speech, a fundamental right that every human being should enjoy, no matter what peroid of time it is, or where that person may live.

The abovie is not even a sentence.

fixed...i think. The intro for me is the most important part...thanks for pointing that out.

 

[minendo]

Originally posted by: FallenHero
fixed...i think. The intro for me is the most important part...thanks for pointing that out.

My highschool english teacher always graded using the mentality "you have 30 seconds to get an A".

 

Originally posted by: minendo

Originally posted by: FallenHero
fixed...i think. The intro for me is the most important part...thanks for pointing that out.

My highschool english teacher always graded using the mentality "you have 30 seconds to get an A".

sounds like mine...not as tough, but if the intro was not clear or well worded, then it was frowned upon.

 

[GiLtY]

WHat is the thesis of the essay? is it the first sentence in your essay (well, looks like it to me). Maybe your teacher recommends you to write the essay this way, but I think it's always a good idea to start off the essay grabbing the reader's attention, not straight to the idea of the essay.

Just my $.02

 

[DaveSimmons]

The silence of freedom of speech is the silence of the human spirit, the denial of will, and the anchor which will forever hold the human race in its most primative forms.

1. Don't you mean "silencing" ?
2. an action ("silencing") is not generally a noun ("the anchor"). "Those who silence" could be an anchor.

 

Originally posted by: DaveSimmons

The silence of freedom of speech is the silence of the human spirit, the denial of will, and the anchor which will forever hold the human race in its most primative forms.

1. Don't you mean "silencing" ?
2. an action ("silencing") is not generally a noun ("the anchor"). "Those who silence" could be an anchor.

fixed that for now.

WHat is the thesis of the essay? is it the first sentence in your essay (well, looks like it to me). Maybe your teacher recommends you to write the essay this way, but I think it's always a good idea to start off the essay grabbing the reader's attention, not straight to the idea of the essay.

Just my $.02

I'll try to think of something. Ususally I am good with that, but this time I was too excited about the essay so I just jumped right into it. You have any suggestions?

 

[DaveSimmons]

The silencing of freedom of speech is the silence of the human spirit,

missed one

the most horrific act which will forever hold

"a" horrific act, unless you think it's truly more horrific than Clockwork-Orange style behavior modification using Battlefield Earth and Charisma Carpenter's singing as the negative reinforcement.

horrific act which will forever hold the human race

"which holds the human race" is cleaner and easier to defend.

 

[Dragnov]

Wheres anythin gin regards to John Staurt Mill? It should be in the first paragraph and noted really early IMO. Unless you haven't gotten there yet... but thats too much info already w/o noting him I think. Otherwise, it just sounds like some huge boring general political advocacy paper. As it is right now, I think wheee, another type of these typical political papers.

This is just my opinion though, I'm no guru.

 

Originally posted by: Gr1mL0cK
Wheres anythin gin regards to John Staurt Mill? It should be in the first paragraph and noted really early IMO. Unless you haven't gotten there yet... but thats too much info already w/o noting him I think. Otherwise, it just sounds like some huge boring general political advocacy paper. As it is right now, I think wheee, another type of these typical political papers.

This is just my opinion though, I'm no guru.

fixed what dave suggested.

As for mill not being mentioned, I dont have to in the paper. The professor already knows my topic and told me to argue from his standpoint, and that mentioning mill will only have to happen near the end of the paper. That is why he has not been mentioned.

 

[Dragnov]

Is your thesis on why freedom of speech is a neccessary right? Regardless? I mean theres issues in regards to classified government material and national security threat and all that junk.

Gotcha on the John Stuart Mill part. My bad.

 

[Moonbeam]

The 'no matter what period of time' thing sounds like you're advocating freedom of speech for Neanderthals too. I also feel funny about enjoying freedom of speech. I have freedom of speech, but I don't often enjoy it. It can be a big pain and get me in trouble. I would say secures us 'against' not from. When you say 'It forces one...' I'm thinking you mean tyranny and oppression Thinking about arguments that could be stronger or weaker doesn't make sense to me. Try saying exactly what you mean as though you were talking not writing a paper, maybe. A lot of what follows is abstract too. Say stuff simple, but try to get words that mean what you want to say, sort of like talking, instead of words that sound like they might mean what you say. For example 'and the most horrific act which will forever hold the human race in its most primitive forms.' Nuclear winter could be worse. Avoid most horrific. A terrible act might due. Most horrific is hyperbole. There is no generally agreed upon most primitive form of humanity. You might mean enslaved or mute or unable to articulate its dreams or something specific. Lucy might be humanity at its most primitive form.

I would recommend trying to right as you talk without trying to get tricky. Simple true truths are better, I think than vague generalizations and abstractions that sound important but can't be concretely understood.

And remember, everybody understands a Moonbeam post.

 

[xuanman]

it sounds good, but i agree that you need a thesis sentence to clarify your point...for instance, what is freedom of speech? does it even exist presently? to what degree?

 

[Supermercado]

the human race in its most primative forms.

One thing I noticed reading through it quickly was the spelling. Should be "primitive."

 

[Moonbeam]

You might try posting what you are trying to say in that paragraph here.

Are you going to argue that FoS is fundamental or that it should by enjoyed by all. What you mean, I see, is that FoS allows us to debate issues and that in turn forces us to refine our arguments into ones that can be seen or evaluated for their strengths and weaknesses. It keeps the spirit of truth seaking alive. Without confrontation with ideas and the cross-polinization of debate that nourishes them our culture and world would sink to a primitive level.

That's a very strong argument, I think. Good luck.

 

[FrontlineWarrior]

Originally posted by: Moonbeam
The 'no matter what period of time' thing sounds like you're advocating freedom of speech for Neanderthals too. I also feel funny about enjoying freedom of speech. I have freedom of speech, but I don't often enjoy it. It can be a big pain and get me in trouble. I would say secures us 'against' not from. When you say 'It forces one...' I'm thinking you mean tyranny and oppression Thinking about arguments that could be stronger or weaker doesn't make sense to me. Try saying exactly what you mean as though you were talking not writing a paper, maybe. A lot of what follows is abstract too. Say stuff simple, but try to get words that mean what you want to say, sort of like talking, instead of words that sound like they might mean what you say. For example 'and the most horrific act which will forever hold the human race in its most primitive forms.' Nuclear winter could be worse. Avoid most horrific. A terrible act might due. Most horrific is hyperbole. There is no generally agreed upon most primitive form of humanity. You might mean enslaved or mute or unable to articulate its dreams or something specific. Lucy might be humanity at its most primitive form.

I would recommend trying to right as you talk without trying to get tricky. Simple true truths are better, I think than vague generalizations and abstractions that sound important but can't be concretely understood.

And remember, everybody understands a Moonbeam post.

good stuff!

i would add that the last few sentences sound not too flowy and i think you should vary sentence structure a little. as it is right now sounds too much like a list.

also might want to make "fundamental right" more clear by adding a brief definitiony type phrase, like innate right or something.

instead of no matter what, might want to use "regardless of"

secures is too strong. look at post 911. still got free speech but now have a lot of new laws. might want to rather say "FOS defends against..."

"It" cannot be used in this way. pronouns must directly follow the last noun of reference i think.

arguments that could be stronger or weaker is awkward. try "encourages debate, enlightenment, and resolution."

next sentence is too abstract. i don't really know what it is supposed to mean.

you silence speech or silence free speech. you don't silence freedom of speech.

last sentence sounds like two sentences in one. i think you can make a connecting transition. say like "silencing of HS & the denial of will. in doing so it holds the human race..."

 

[GiLtY]

Also something about writing an essay, the essay should dig in deeper in each succeeding paragraph! Some people just list two things that they are going to discuss, and each paragraph is devoted to that, that's kind of shallow. My teacher tells us that for a college paper, you have to be very specific. Whereas you could write a paragraph on an issue, a college paper actually uses those sentences as their subtopic!

Just an idea, does anyone agree?