Everything you listed seems like a really bad combination, especially LD relationship + trust issues. My ex and I were in the same situation you mentioned (we only lived about 2hrs apart though). She liked to be with other guys and seek acceptance and always wanted to party/club with them. Ended up cheating on me. I would suggest putting boundaries for him/her, but that just may make the other person blame you for their unhappiness. Didn't work for me, maybe it will for you? I don't know how someone can just begin to trust someone though. Seems like something you should just let go. I'm sure there's someone else out there for you that's looking for the same thing.
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It is NEVER acceptible for you to dictate to your partner where he or she can go, for how long, and with whom. You are not the parent, you are the partner. If you have issues of trust or betrayal, work them out as adults or part ways. If someone would give you the power to give them a curfew or to choose their friends, then he or she is a worthless doormat. Break up and spend some time alone while you grow the hell up.
JulesMaximus
No Lifer
Dump him/her.
Edit-My wife wouldn't go out clubbing with guys. She might go out with her girlfriends once in a great great while but I'm fine with that.
Edit-My wife wouldn't go out clubbing with guys. She might go out with her girlfriends once in a great great while but I'm fine with that.
JulesMaximus
No Lifer
Along those same lines it is not appropriate for a spouse to continually hang around alone with members of the opposite sex.
JulesMaximus
No Lifer
My response wouldn't change.
No change whatsoever. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. You seem to feel that it's ok to dictate how he behaves (it's not) and he seems to think it's ok to agree to a committed relationship while continuing to behave like he is in an open relationship (that's not ok either.) You need to come to an understanding about what each of you wants from the relationship because obviously you are not on the same wavelength. His behavior is a "deal breaker" for you because you want to have a monogamous relationship and he does not. Until you both want the same thing from your relationship, it just isn't going to work out. Demanding he behave differently will ALWAYS backfire on you because he does not WANT to.
ace up my sleeve
Member
Trust you S.O. until there is a reason not to...then dump him/her.
To address your personal problem ("you yourself have a trust issue stemmed from past experiences (meaning you have a difficulty fully trusting people)?"), why are you not seeking help with that problem instead of laying it on him to deal with? How fair is that, for him to have to pay for the mistakes of someone you used to date? I think you need to seriously consider staying away from serious relationships until you work out your issues by yourself. It's not fair to punish someone for the mistakes of others.
I wouldn't put up with that crap. But if did decide to put up with that nonsense, I would shut up instead of complaining.
That being said, I would try to reason with my SO first. If we both agree that it is fundamentally wrong, then we'll wait and see if he does it again. That's it if he does it again. I really don't believe in trying to change someone. If he wants to do something, he will. If he doesn't want to, he won't. He makes his choices.
If it's a long distance relationship as it appears it is in this case, I would say good-bye. The person by his/her actions wants to be free anyway. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but let's be realistic ... is it really worth fighting if someone is so far away and the situation won't be changing anytime soon? The person's already showed her nature and admitted it. Why stress her and yourself? Either put up with it and don't complain; or just let her go. She would still behave this way even if you two were at the same region. There are some long distance relationships worth fighting for, but both parties have to be committed and willing participants with a long established "close" relationship.
VirtualLarry
No Lifer
^^^ he is correct.
I speak from fairly painful personal experience in this area, and especially because the OP mentioned that this is an "LD relationship"... give it up. Don't try to be "exclusive", don't try to exert or assert control over her, they are obviously just going to do what they want to do, and aren't ready to "settle down", even as much as having a exclusive dating relationship. If you try, all you will succeed in doing, is hurting yourself, most likely.
I'm guessing that you are both young, that's alright... I guess. Do what you feel is right - but do it because of what you feel in your heart, not because of some insecurities that have popped into your head.
VirtualLarry
No Lifer
^^^ Another good example of the painful truth learned by experience.
How would I approach it? I wouldn't act all pissy the first time. I'll request we both sit down and talk. I would have a discussion, not a quarrel or scolding. Discussion means reasoning for why it is wrong or right. If we do not agree at the end, then it isn't going to work because, again, I'm not trying to stick around and hope that someone will change.
You also asked at what point it becomes controlling? Well, going past the obvious controlling behavior of physically barring her, I would say it becomes controlling when you are following her without her consent (you couldn't do that in this case); or when you know her position about the issue but choose to stay, keep complaining--and in your complaints are threats of any kind, including ultimatums.
If you have trust issues, a relationship isn't going to work. Let alone a long distance relationship. You'll never be able to trust her.
That said you need to get over your trust issues. Has this SO given you any reason not to trust them? If not, then you need to look at
yourself and ask why. And using the old someone burned me in the past as the reason for your trust issues isn't good enough. If you are
still hung up on the past trust problem. You shouldn't be in a relationship. That simple. If your SO has not given you any reason to not trust
him/her, then its not their fault you don't trust them. So limited what they can do, so you feel better about yourself, is selfish.
That said you need to get over your trust issues. Has this SO given you any reason not to trust them? If not, then you need to look at
yourself and ask why. And using the old someone burned me in the past as the reason for your trust issues isn't good enough. If you are
still hung up on the past trust problem. You shouldn't be in a relationship. That simple. If your SO has not given you any reason to not trust
him/her, then its not their fault you don't trust them. So limited what they can do, so you feel better about yourself, is selfish.
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