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How do you deal with your parents getting older?

S

swbsam

Platinum Member
My parents are getting up there in years, and watching them struggle with arthritis and other health issues (including memory loss) has proven to be really difficult for me... I don't mean that in a selfish way, I just mean that I want to be able to do something but I don't really know what to do. I don't have a lot of spare income (recently married, starting life as young adults) and am trying my best to fill in where I can - buying them a dishwasher to help with dishes, aiming to be able to afford to eventually have someone clean their place once a week, etc. etc.

It's just sad to watch and I feel powerless.
 
I just accept that it is the circle of life and the reality is that we are all powerless when it comes to aging.
 
Well, at least you still have them. I lost my mother in 2005 due to cancer, and wish she was still here. If you have an emotional connection with your parents, then be thankful and try to support them emotionally or whatever way you think is best. I do agree that it is difficult to see your parents health decline.
 
Originally posted by: Analog
Well, at least you still have them. I lost my mother in 2005 due to cancer, and wish she was still here. If you have an emotional connection with your parents, then be thankful and try to support them emotionally or whatever way you think is best. I do agree that it is difficult to see your parents health decline.
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So did I. Just be there more than you think you can. I have SO many regrets that I didn't do more for her when she was here.
 
sorry about that swbsam. my parents aren't there yet but will be sooner or later. i'm just hoping by that time i can help them out somehow. getting them a dishwasher would be good.

about their memory loss, i've heard playing games like chess or crosswords will keep their mind sharp. also, talk to them as much as possible and have them be more active in doing different stuff and engaging with different people. do they go to church? or maybe they have card night/bingo night? can you meet them at least once a week for dinner or lunch? good luck.
 
Originally posted by: scott916
Originally posted by: Analog
Well, at least you still have them. I lost my mother in 2005 due to cancer, and wish she was still here. If you have an emotional connection with your parents, then be thankful and try to support them emotionally or whatever way you think is best. I do agree that it is difficult to see your parents health decline.
Click to expand...

So did I. Just be there more than you think you can. I have SO many regrets that I didn't do more for her when she was here.
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x infinity
 
My parents are not that old but I do understand what you mean.

I think the first thing is to accept the fact that it is happening. There is nothing we can do as children to keep them from aging. Spending time with them and appericating the fact they are still here also helps.

Just my opinion as I recently lost a very close family member. I watched her grow very ill and eventually pass. It was horrible to see and experience. No matter how much I *thought* i made peace with the fact that this was inevitable, it was very hard to experience.
 
My parents are typically doing fine. It is my grandparents I worry about, he's 92 and she's in her upper 80s. He's doing OK mostly but she has health issues.
 
i make an email filter for anything "from: mom" with subject "Fw: fw: fw:"

and when she calls ill say "yes, yes i did receive that email you sent me. thank you!"
 
Originally posted by: Linflas
I just accept that it is the circle of life and the reality is that we are all powerless when it comes to aging.
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couldn't have said it any better myself
 
I understand where the OP is coming from. My father probably won't be around another year and while my mother is still very active and works full time, it's almost like she's lost the ability to make a decision of her own. I get calls on what to do about damn near everything. Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done but be there for them as best you can and accept that it is the way of things. Try to remember how this feels when you consider your own children and do your best to put yourself in a retirement position where they won't feel the way you do now...
 
I'm concerned about my parents more and more.

They're mid 50's right now and have no retirement, no pension, not good source of income.

It's really become a concerning topic between myself, wife, brother and his wife. We're all sitting here saying "shit we're gonna have to take care of them and have no finical means to do so with our own lives, mortgages, car payments and children to pay for".

It's a scary thing to see.

Never in all my life would I have thought they'd end up here in this position but life happens and sometimes stuff just doesn't turn out all roses in the end 🙁

But there's still time for some sort of miracle to happen and that's enough to hope for I guess.
 
financial security is no miracle I'm afraid - wish it were. When my parents divorced and my mom was left with basically nothing, it became obvious that her only retirement income would be social security. She had to get a full time job and at this point she'll keep working until she's completely incapable of doing so, at which point she'll only have her SSI benefits and whatever help I can give her. Fortunately for her my wife and I make good incomes (for now, who knows what'll happen with this economy) so I can help her some but it really could become a problem later.

It's definitely a situation we want to avoid in the future and it drives home the need to live below your means and SAVE for that inevitable rainy day
 
you've started off right, by talking about it between your brother and all the spouses.

next step is to start getting some info on potential financial support or insurance. yep you already said that you don't have much discretionary funding at the moment, but at least get an idea of the types of insurance available, and cost ranges; the earlier you start them, the cheaper they are. those same people can give you some basic info on preparing for possible nursing home or assisted living situations. There is a good deal of gov't assistance available, but you have to have your ducks in row quite a bit in advance. The old rules allowed the government to "look back" 2 years for your parent's financial situation, but that rule is changing. If you want to preserve anything of theirs, start laying the groundwork now.

Also discuss the situation of having your parents move in, or move close. this is a touchy area and expect alot of fireworks, but bring it up and get it into the open. there are many variables that can work. we are looking at the same situation for the 4 parents (mine and my wife's). An interesting option may develop in a house that's for sale right next to ours; we are considering buying it and renting it out, keeping the option open that eventually it will be used for our parents. that way they will be close and we can help out, but everyone will still have their own space.

on a related note, break out the video camera and start taking it with you everytime you visit. just set it up and let it record, while you talk at the table, eat, play cards, have b-days. after awhile they forget it's going and you will be able to record memories.
 
I'm extremely lucky to have healthy parents. They're not very old (55 and 52) but as the years go by it's easier to notice they're getting up there.

Hopefully they still have another 2 decades or more of good health to enjoy with them.
 
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