How do you deal with dysfunctional parents?

[Number1]

Wow, your father reminds me of my father.
My father died in a prescription drug induced stupor half frozen in a snow bank in his underwear.
Dad as a younger man was a well respected member of his little village. He had a good job, coached minor hockey, was a high ranking member of the knights of Columbus and raised a family of 6 children. But the booze was always a problem and when he stopped working, there was nothing holding him back. My mom divorced him a few months after their 40 th wedding anniversary.
I am a shame of what my father was in the decade before he died. We as a family were never able to get him to stop drinking.

I miss my father, the younger man, the one who taught me how to fish.

I don't think you will ever be able to stop your father's drinking.

You should consider going to an al-anon meeting. They are family members of alcoholic and they talk about how it is affecting their lives.


It's sad and I feel for you.

 

[RoloMather]

Sorry OP. Looks like there's nothing you can do except pray that your father gets better.

 

[Scouzer]

My best friend attempted suicide last night... this is going on the backburner that's for sure..

 

[meltdown75]

My best friend attempted suicide last night... this is going on the backburner that's for sure..

damn..... sorry to hear that man.

 

[Scouzer]

Wow, your father reminds me of my father.
My father died in a prescription drug induced stupor half frozen in a snow bank in his underwear.
Dad as a younger man was a well respected member of his little village. He had a good job, coached minor hockey, was a high ranking member of the knights of Columbus and raised a family of 6 children. But the booze was always a problem and when he stopped working, there was nothing holding him back. My mom divorced him a few months after their 40 th wedding anniversary.
I am a shame of what my father was in the decade before he died. We as a family were never able to get him to stop drinking.

I miss my father, the younger man, the one who taught me how to fish.

I don't think you will ever be able to stop your father's drinking.

You should consider going to an al-anon meeting. They are family members of alcoholic and they talk about how it is affecting their lives.


It's sad and I feel for you.

That's terrible. I hope it doesn't come to that. I'm sorry for your loss.

I started talking to him again about a month after I posted. He's gotten much worse. He claims his 23 year old girlfriend is pregnant now and he's trying to convince her to keep the baby.

He's asked her to marry him and she's said no. He talks about her almost 24 hours a day--anyone who can speak English gets to hear about it. He talks all day about it at work, then he comes home and calls all sorts of family just to whine and talk about it.

It's stupid too, because it's not like he's actually looking for guidance or advice, he just wants to say the same 5 things over again. She's such a bitch, she's so great in bed, she dumps him all the time, she's such a bitch. That's about it, x100.

In a totally selfish perspective, this sucks: I work for the same company as him. I was always proud of him and being "his son" in the company for a long time...but not so much now. He's been missing work and the work he does show up for he's emotionally delusional, constantly talking about his girlfriend.

The problem is of course he refuses help. There's only two courses of action:

1) Do nothing.
2) Try to get the government involved with the Mental Health Act (aka put him in a psych ward)

There's not really any middle ground. It's getting bad enough now I don't know if #1 is an option anymore.

 

[BoomerD]

From your update, it sounds like things aren't getting a bit better.

As others told you earlier, you can't help those who don't want help...even though you want to try. They only resent your involvment in "their business."

That being said, DO NOT let this drive a permanent wedge between you and your dad.

My wife and her mother had a huge fight that left a permanent rift between them, went on for several years...and the MiL died before they ever patched things up.

While the fault lay on both sides...my wife had a tough time dealing with it for a while.

Counseling for YOU is a very good option. Not so much that you are the one with the problem, but because you are dealing with someone with a problem. You might be able to get some assistance in dealing with your father. Sometimes, the professionals can give advice and point you in the right direction.

 

[coreyb]

You need to start going to al-anon meetings.

 

[rockyct]

Wow, this really sucks for you. However, I think you, your friends, anyone he talks to, needs to cut off their ties from him as much as possible. He needs help, serious help, and if you can't do an intervention (I don't even really know if those work) or get some sort of mental health expert involved, you've got to stop communicating with him. You'll allowing him to continue this behavior implicitly. Don't cut off ties in a angry fight, but try to calmly say why you cannot talk to him anymore. It's going to hurt, but it's the only card left you have to play.

 

[Scouzer]

Wow, this really sucks for you. However, I think you, your friends, anyone he talks to, needs to cut off their ties from him as much as possible. He needs help, serious help, and if you can't do an intervention (I don't even really know if those work) or get some sort of mental health expert involved, you've got to stop communicating with him. You'll allowing him to continue this behavior implicitly. Don't cut off ties in a angry fight, but try to calmly say why you cannot talk to him anymore. It's going to hurt, but it's the only card left you have to play.

Thanks guys. I appreciate all the feedback.

I don't think cutting off ties is going to work When I quit talking to him for a month there, he didn't give two shits. When he was really bad many years ago, when I was 12ish, I would only talk to him once or twice a year. He didn't care. He doesn't have the ability to care about stuff like that.

 

[jemcam]

As a child of addict/alcoholic parents, I highly suggest alanon meetings for you.
As a lot of others have mentioned, he is not going to get help unless he wants it. Him being forced to go to rehab by his employer is one of the reasons he hasn't stayed sober.
I wouldn't completely walk out of his life, but I would cut him off a great deal. Stop calling as often, and stop trying to help him so much. This is only hurting you, not helping him, just enabling him.
If you mention him getting help, he will surely push you away. Make the decision to keep your distance your self.
No matter how much you try, the only one that can save him from his self-destruction is him.
He obviously hasn't hit his bottom yet and things aren't going to change until he does. Since everyone's is different, no one can out right tell you what his is.
Maybe losing his job would help since you said he takes a lot of pride in his work. Maybe it won't. Who knows...
All I can say it stop worrying about him and worry about yourself. It sucks and it's hard, I know, but it is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Here are a few al anon links
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/new_10question.html
http://www.alanon.org.za/

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

Absolutely the truth! Take this to heart OP!

 

[krylon]

This thread is worthless without pics of the crazy girl.

Next.

 

[AMCRambler]

Can you kick your dad's ass? Sounds like he needs it kicked. He still sees himself as your father and your superior and will not listen to you unless you can change that view. A good knock down drag out brawl might do it. And after you whipped him you tell him how it's gonna be or you're gonna come back and do it again. He's acting like a kid so treat him like one. Kids that are bad get spanked or else they don't respect you.

If my old man was acting like this, my foot in his ass would be first priority.

 

[Scouzer]

Can you kick your dad's ass? Sounds like he needs it kicked. He still sees himself as your father and your superior and will not listen to you unless you can change that view. A good knock down drag out brawl might do it. And after you whipped him you tell him how it's gonna be or you're gonna come back and do it again. He's acting like a kid so treat him like one. Kids that are bad get spanked or else they don't respect you.

If my old man was acting like this, my foot in his ass would be first priority.

haha, no I couldn't, not a chance. I'm in way better physical shape but he has years of fighting experience behind him. He's had his nose broken countless times. My dad would have to be 500lb and in a wheelchair before I could beat him.

 

[Turin39789]

haha, no I couldn't, not a chance. I'm in way better physical shape but he has years of fighting experience behind him. He's had his nose broken countless times. My dad would have to be 500lb and in a wheelchair before I could beat him.

You need to learn to fight.

Step 1 - get a bat
Step 2 - hide
Step 3 - ????
Step 4 - Profit

 

[Miramonti]

You need to start going to al-anon meetings.

This. Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) meetings would be a tremendous resource for you.

 

[tk149]

Sounds like he's gone beyond alcoholism and is mentally ill.

Have you tried talking to psycho girl and getting her to help?

 

[Azraele]

#2. What you've described sounds like mental illness. See if you can get him some help.

 

[Scouzer]

I want to get him help, but as I said the only option is to try and get him forcibly locked up in a mental ward. He won't accept any other kind of treatment...

I'm bothered by all this but not as bad as you guys think. I don't think I need to see counseling myself; my personal relationships aren't affected or anything.

 

[BoomerD]

I want to get him help, but as I said the only option is to try and get him forcibly locked up in a mental ward. He won't accept any other kind of treatment...

I'm bothered by all this but not as bad as you guys think. I don't think I need to see counseling myself; my personal relationships aren't affected or anything.

Counseling can also be to help you help your dad...not just because you're fucked up...

Lots of people out there have had to deal with similar problems. Let their experience work for you.

 

[angminas]

I'm bothered by all this but not as bad as you guys think. I don't think I need to see counseling myself; my personal relationships aren't affected or anything.

Don't fall for this lie. This is your coping mechanisms trying to turn off your feelings so you will stop hurting. This won't help your dad, it won't help you, and I guarantee you would regret this approach later in life. You need the pain to remind you both to try to help your dad and to make sure you never end up anything like him. Let the numbness set in, and you're taking a step toward being like him. Don't give that darkness even the tiniest foothold in your life. Remember that your dad wasn't always like he is now- he got there by letting a tiny sliver of hell grow inside him, bit by bit, until it was too powerful for him to defeat alone. Don't follow the same path. But even if you have to walk away physically (I'm not saying you should or shouldn't without more details and consideration), you shouldn't walk away emotionally. Not if you want to be a man.

Of course your personal relationships are affected, and of course you need to be talking to people. Didn't you come here and talk to us to try to get this off your chest? Yeah.

Every single thing we say, think, do, or intend affects other people. Everything pushes us in some direction. You know- habits, coping, practice, all that. Don't think you can be surrounded by hell for decades and come out of it unscathed. And even if you were so insensitive that it didn't affect you- you wouldn't be posting about it here, then. Right?

What you really need to do is talk to people who actually know something about this kind of stuff. I would call everybody I could think of and ask for help. DHS, wise friends, AA, Alanon, churches, mental treatment centers, psychiatrists, psychologists, charitable organizations, shelters...most of them aren't going to be able to help you, but what if you find one single person who has some good advice for you? Then all the time "wasted" will have been worth it. Remember that there are people who have education and experience in treating people like your dad, so some of them will have ideas you would never have been able to imagine. You will also probably get a lot of validation and support, which you desperately need. Just remember that not all the people you talk to will know what they're babbling about, so use some sense.

I know how it is, having dysfunctional parents. I know the pain. PM me if you feel like it, and remember to take care of yourself.

 

[montypythizzle]

Was expecting a Belair so I only skimmed through the last paragraph, sounds like every other Dad gone wrong story.