- Jun 3, 2001
- 10,358
- 5
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Disclaimer: I'm 22. I live on my own. I have a professional career. I'm not whining teenage angst here.
My dad is a troubled man. He's been a barely functioning alcoholic for at least 20 years. He's fortunately not a violent alcoholic so I don't have tales of beatings but he still has more than his fair share of demons.
The company he works for forced him to go to alcohol rehab a few years ago. His alcoholism started really affecting his working life. He takes massive pride in his job and it's pretty much the only thing he's normally reliable at. The rehab really worked... for a time. He spent about 3-4 years barely drinking and doing really well at work again. We were all really excited and that's pretty much the only period I had much for a dad. That's why his behavior now is killing me so bad, I've SEEN him better I know he can do it, but he utterly refuses any help now.
In the last year and a half he met some 23 year old psycho girl (he's 53) and they've been in this bizarre dating thing. I don't know if I'd really call it dating or my dad being completely obsessed with this girl. It's not like stalking or anything, it is consensual, but it's really bizarre. They fight constantly and break up pretty much everyday. He also talks about her 24/7. Their relationship is so immature it's a lot like watching two 14 year olds dating.
This wouldn't be so bad but it's driven him to start drinking hardcore again and completely absolve himself of responsibilities. For example:
1) His basement flooded last year. It was pretty bad so there's mould everywhere in the basement now. I've offered to help him hire contractors etc. but he refuses to do anything about it. He is the type of person if I went ahead and hired contractors and stuff without telling him he's fucking blow a lid... it's not an option. It'd be unholy rage.
2) On the same note, he hasn't cleaned his house at all in pretty much 2 years. His idea of cleaning is running the dishwasher monthly and taking out the garbage when it stinks up his whole house.. nothing else. There's piles and piles of junk everywhere, the bathroom is beyond description, there's cat shit everywhere etc... if a health inspector came I'd bet $100 his house would be condemned. I have cleaned his entire house 4-5 times before which took 10 hours each time, but he's not willing to keep it clean so I don't do that anymore. He's not even willing to hire a maid. I offered to clean his house one more time top to bottom and he could hire a maid it that way--nope.
3) He won't take his anti depressants anymore. He took these reliably for years and he was stable for a time. On the same note we have an 80% drug plan at work and he can't be bothered to file claims to get his prescription drugs refunded. Oh, he doesn't file his taxes either and Revenue Canada is up his ass. He doesn't care. My mom has been divorced from him for 15 years and she was doing his taxes and his drug claims up until 2 years ago. She finally quit this since it's not her job so he won't do them.
4) He hasn't been showing up for work, and I'm pretty sure when he does he isn't doing a very good job This is really bad because I work in the same field as him. His coworkers know me so they're calling me wondering WTF is up... and I don't have anything to tell them. If he keeps this up he's going to get fired despite having 28 years of service. They're all worried about him being dead which he's not.. what do I say to them? My dad is a dysfunctional alcoholic who can't be bothered to write down his own work schedule? No... not so good to say.
5) He isn't paying his bills for his house. I don't know what he hasn't paid.. but I know he hasn't been paying some of them. I can't do anything about it though because he has 5 years worth of mail stacked on his kitchen table. I couldn't sort through them to find the new mail if I tried... there's just hundreds of unopened letters, bills, etc. Oh, and he has a huge peeve about mail. If you want to see my dad rage, touch his mail.
6) He won't answer the phone for anyone anymore. I called him 15 times in a row last night to get a hold of him (I knew he was home). He doesn't give a shit if it's urgent (it was), and he won't fix his voicemail (not that he'd check it if it did work......)
7) The overall problem with him if you haven't figured out is he just doesn't care about anything anymore. He doesn't care about shirking any responsibility but he'll ALWAYS blame it on someone or something else. He's never accepted blame in his life, and he's certainly never apologized, but it's never been this bad.
One point I should make very clear: He has plenty of money to do all of the above things. He's actually got quite a bit of money. He isn't cheap, he just refuses to do ANYTHING that isn't a part of his daily routine.
I could go on and on... I could list all the horrible things he's done in the past.. drinking and driving, losing his driver's license for 3 years because of it, etc etc etc but there's no point. I just really wanted to get this off my chest in a semi anonymous forum... I don't want to tarnish my dad's reputation with anyone that knows him so there's really no one for me to talk to.
The part that gets me to tears about this is when he's functional he's actually a really good dad. I can talk for hours and hours with him and have laughs and everything. He's a really good guy deep down inside but he just can't let that guy out for very long, usually only a couple days a month until he drinks himself into a stupor again. Lately though my "good dad" has been disappearing, even when he's sober he's bitter and disillusioned about everything. If I try to bring up ANYTHING that needs doing he just immediately gets pissed and shuts me up. I really try not no nag but there's some really big stuff that NEEDS to be done yet he will not discuss it.
Today I called him and basically unloaded on him how he's crushing everyone that loves him (he's known this for years and doesn't care, don't know why I bothered) and I will not be contacting him anymore. I told him if he's willing to do anything to get better or needs anything he knows how to contact me but I will not be making the effort to call him 15 times whenever I need him anymore. Every time I think about him or talk to him it utterly depresses me because he lives in such squalor yet there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know what else I can do anymore. I've tried so hard for years and he's just not willing to come around. I'll probably regret this as he'll NEVER call and I'll likely never talk to him again before he dies. Fuck.
UPDATE
I started talking to him again about a month after I posted. He's gotten much worse. He claims his 23 year old girlfriend is pregnant now and he's trying to convince her to keep the baby.
He's asked her to marry him and she's said no. He talks about her almost 24 hours a day--anyone who can speak English gets to hear about it. He talks all day about it at work, then he comes home and calls all sorts of family just to whine and talk about it.
It's stupid too, because it's not like he's actually looking for guidance or advice, he just wants to say the same 5 things over again. She's such a bitch, she's so great in bed, she dumps him all the time, she's such a bitch. That's about it, x100.
In a totally selfish perspective, this sucks: I work for the same company as him. I was always proud of him and being "his son" in the company for a long time...but not so much now. He's been missing work and the work he does show up for he's emotionally delusional, constantly talking about his girlfriend.
The problem is of course he refuses help. There's only two courses of action:
1) Do nothing.
2) Try to get the government involved with the Mental Health Act (aka put him in a psych ward)
There's not really any middle ground. It's getting bad enough now I don't know if #1 is an option anymore.
My dad is a troubled man. He's been a barely functioning alcoholic for at least 20 years. He's fortunately not a violent alcoholic so I don't have tales of beatings but he still has more than his fair share of demons.
The company he works for forced him to go to alcohol rehab a few years ago. His alcoholism started really affecting his working life. He takes massive pride in his job and it's pretty much the only thing he's normally reliable at. The rehab really worked... for a time. He spent about 3-4 years barely drinking and doing really well at work again. We were all really excited and that's pretty much the only period I had much for a dad. That's why his behavior now is killing me so bad, I've SEEN him better I know he can do it, but he utterly refuses any help now.
In the last year and a half he met some 23 year old psycho girl (he's 53) and they've been in this bizarre dating thing. I don't know if I'd really call it dating or my dad being completely obsessed with this girl. It's not like stalking or anything, it is consensual, but it's really bizarre. They fight constantly and break up pretty much everyday. He also talks about her 24/7. Their relationship is so immature it's a lot like watching two 14 year olds dating.
This wouldn't be so bad but it's driven him to start drinking hardcore again and completely absolve himself of responsibilities. For example:
1) His basement flooded last year. It was pretty bad so there's mould everywhere in the basement now. I've offered to help him hire contractors etc. but he refuses to do anything about it. He is the type of person if I went ahead and hired contractors and stuff without telling him he's fucking blow a lid... it's not an option. It'd be unholy rage.
2) On the same note, he hasn't cleaned his house at all in pretty much 2 years. His idea of cleaning is running the dishwasher monthly and taking out the garbage when it stinks up his whole house.. nothing else. There's piles and piles of junk everywhere, the bathroom is beyond description, there's cat shit everywhere etc... if a health inspector came I'd bet $100 his house would be condemned. I have cleaned his entire house 4-5 times before which took 10 hours each time, but he's not willing to keep it clean so I don't do that anymore. He's not even willing to hire a maid. I offered to clean his house one more time top to bottom and he could hire a maid it that way--nope.
3) He won't take his anti depressants anymore. He took these reliably for years and he was stable for a time. On the same note we have an 80% drug plan at work and he can't be bothered to file claims to get his prescription drugs refunded. Oh, he doesn't file his taxes either and Revenue Canada is up his ass. He doesn't care. My mom has been divorced from him for 15 years and she was doing his taxes and his drug claims up until 2 years ago. She finally quit this since it's not her job so he won't do them.
4) He hasn't been showing up for work, and I'm pretty sure when he does he isn't doing a very good job This is really bad because I work in the same field as him. His coworkers know me so they're calling me wondering WTF is up... and I don't have anything to tell them. If he keeps this up he's going to get fired despite having 28 years of service. They're all worried about him being dead which he's not.. what do I say to them? My dad is a dysfunctional alcoholic who can't be bothered to write down his own work schedule? No... not so good to say.
5) He isn't paying his bills for his house. I don't know what he hasn't paid.. but I know he hasn't been paying some of them. I can't do anything about it though because he has 5 years worth of mail stacked on his kitchen table. I couldn't sort through them to find the new mail if I tried... there's just hundreds of unopened letters, bills, etc. Oh, and he has a huge peeve about mail. If you want to see my dad rage, touch his mail.
6) He won't answer the phone for anyone anymore. I called him 15 times in a row last night to get a hold of him (I knew he was home). He doesn't give a shit if it's urgent (it was), and he won't fix his voicemail (not that he'd check it if it did work......)
7) The overall problem with him if you haven't figured out is he just doesn't care about anything anymore. He doesn't care about shirking any responsibility but he'll ALWAYS blame it on someone or something else. He's never accepted blame in his life, and he's certainly never apologized, but it's never been this bad.
One point I should make very clear: He has plenty of money to do all of the above things. He's actually got quite a bit of money. He isn't cheap, he just refuses to do ANYTHING that isn't a part of his daily routine.
I could go on and on... I could list all the horrible things he's done in the past.. drinking and driving, losing his driver's license for 3 years because of it, etc etc etc but there's no point. I just really wanted to get this off my chest in a semi anonymous forum... I don't want to tarnish my dad's reputation with anyone that knows him so there's really no one for me to talk to.
The part that gets me to tears about this is when he's functional he's actually a really good dad. I can talk for hours and hours with him and have laughs and everything. He's a really good guy deep down inside but he just can't let that guy out for very long, usually only a couple days a month until he drinks himself into a stupor again. Lately though my "good dad" has been disappearing, even when he's sober he's bitter and disillusioned about everything. If I try to bring up ANYTHING that needs doing he just immediately gets pissed and shuts me up. I really try not no nag but there's some really big stuff that NEEDS to be done yet he will not discuss it.
Today I called him and basically unloaded on him how he's crushing everyone that loves him (he's known this for years and doesn't care, don't know why I bothered) and I will not be contacting him anymore. I told him if he's willing to do anything to get better or needs anything he knows how to contact me but I will not be making the effort to call him 15 times whenever I need him anymore. Every time I think about him or talk to him it utterly depresses me because he lives in such squalor yet there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know what else I can do anymore. I've tried so hard for years and he's just not willing to come around. I'll probably regret this as he'll NEVER call and I'll likely never talk to him again before he dies. Fuck.
UPDATE
I started talking to him again about a month after I posted. He's gotten much worse. He claims his 23 year old girlfriend is pregnant now and he's trying to convince her to keep the baby.
He's asked her to marry him and she's said no. He talks about her almost 24 hours a day--anyone who can speak English gets to hear about it. He talks all day about it at work, then he comes home and calls all sorts of family just to whine and talk about it.
It's stupid too, because it's not like he's actually looking for guidance or advice, he just wants to say the same 5 things over again. She's such a bitch, she's so great in bed, she dumps him all the time, she's such a bitch. That's about it, x100.
In a totally selfish perspective, this sucks: I work for the same company as him. I was always proud of him and being "his son" in the company for a long time...but not so much now. He's been missing work and the work he does show up for he's emotionally delusional, constantly talking about his girlfriend.
The problem is of course he refuses help. There's only two courses of action:
1) Do nothing.
2) Try to get the government involved with the Mental Health Act (aka put him in a psych ward)
There's not really any middle ground. It's getting bad enough now I don't know if #1 is an option anymore.
Last edited:
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