How come we don't have a Tiger Woods thread yet?

[shira]

The best guesses so far on this extremely important story:

1) Last week, Tiger does some hanky-panky and texty-wexty with Rachel Uchitel

NSWF Image

a reported expert at making her boobies pop out of her blouse.

2) Uchitel "vehemently" denies any involvement with Tiger and retains the services of celebrity attorney Gloria Allred.

I am overwhelmed, so I hired Gloria Allred to handle the situation. I don’t want to get this much attention, and I wish everybody would leave me alone.

Comment: "I don't want to get this much attention????" Riiiiiigggggghhhhhhhttttt. For what possible reason would a publicity-seeking bimbo in her right (but very limited) mind deny a goldmine incident like this and say she doesn't want the attention? And where is she getting the funds to pay Allred? Answer to both questions: Tiger, naturally. She's getting paid for her silence. And she's being suppled with Allred to manage the complications.

3) Late Thanksgiving evening - after 2AM on Friday - Tiger runs over a fire hydrant and into a tree. His Swedish trophy wife, Elin Nordegren,

ex-model and former nanny to Swedish golfer Jesper Parvenik, courageously uses a golf club to break out the rear windows of Tiger's car and drags her semi-conscious true love to safety.

Comment: Sounds like a fairy tale, and probably is. Far more likely is that Elin regressed to her near-viking roots when she got wind of the Uchitel story and decided to begin practicing her long-neglected golf swing on the ideal indoor range - Tiger's head. Tiger's reported response was something to the effect that she'd just "ruined our Thanksgiving" (and possibly his prefontal lobes) as he fled the roost. She pursued, and took a bogey 4 on the car's rear windows. Tiger's evasive maneuvers piled him onto the fire hydrant, and then into the tree. This story is especially credible as alcohol was reportedly not a factor.

4) Tiger was taken to the hospital, and the cops are now seeking a court order to view the medical records.

Comment: Sounds like the cops might be planning on pressing assault charges on the blond bomber should the medical records supply adequate evidence of blunt-golf-club trauma.

After a 3-day moment of silence, Tiger said (in part)

malicious rumours that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible

Comment: "Irresponsible," perhaps, but strangely absent is the word "false." Poor, poor tiger.

 

[nageov3t]

I heard that this blind item was about Tiger Woods...

2. "As if this famous athlete doesn't have enough dang problems right now, you can add a couple more to the list. His wife knew that he had relied on a certain substance in the past to relieve his extreme bouts with performance anxiety. However she did not know until a couple of days ago that he has been experimenting with other substances that could get flagged during testing. The second problem he has is his penchant for women who are paid handsomely to be discreet about their extra-curricular activities with him. Word is that he likes to be punished for his bad behavior. He was subjected to harsh discipline from an early age, and he tells the women that he needs them to continue that tradition in order for him to be perfect. But don't expect either of these habits to come to the forefront in the coming months. Everyone is getting paid off to lie or to keep their trap shut."

 

[FaaR]

I think you guys should stop spreading lies and bullshit.

Anyway, what business is any of this of yours? None. Why don't you mind your own beeswax instead and keep your long noses out of other people's lives. Go do something constructive instead of gossiping about people you know nothing about like a gaggle of old ladies.

 

[nageov3t]

I think you guys should stop spreading lies and bullshit.

Anyway, what business is any of this of yours? None. Why don't you mind your own beeswax instead and keep your long noses out of other people's lives. Go do something constructive instead of gossiping about people you know nothing about like a gaggle of old ladies.

he's a public figure. if he wasn't worth talking about, he wouldn't be worth millions.

 

[shira]

I think you guys should stop spreading lies and bullshit.

Anyway, what business is any of this of yours? None. Why don't you mind your own beeswax instead and keep your long noses out of other people's lives. Go do something constructive instead of gossiping about people you know nothing about like a gaggle of old ladies.

Hey, I delayed my gratification for four whole days, and I was running low on beeswax. And this story promises to have the legs of the century (so far).

 

[dmcowen674]

I think you guys should stop spreading lies and bullshit.

Anyway, what business is any of this of yours? None. Why don't you mind your own beeswax instead and keep your long noses out of other people's lives. Go do something constructive instead of gossiping about people you know nothing about like a gaggle of old ladies.

Bullshit

If I hit a hydrant and a tree at 2:30am my ass would be in jail

What are you his lawyer, publicist doing damage control?

 

[da loser]

I heard that this blind item was about Tiger Woods...

2. "As if this famous athlete doesn't have enough dang problems right now, you can add a couple more to the list. His wife knew that he had relied on a certain substance in the past to relieve his extreme bouts with performance anxiety. However she did not know until a couple of days ago that he has been experimenting with other substances that could get flagged during testing. The second problem he has is his penchant for women who are paid handsomely to be discreet about their extra-curricular activities with him. Word is that he likes to be punished for his bad behavior. He was subjected to harsh discipline from an early age, and he tells the women that he needs them to continue that tradition in order for him to be perfect. But don't expect either of these habits to come to the forefront in the coming months. Everyone is getting paid off to lie or to keep their trap shut."

so maybe he finally got elin to give him what he wanted and she beat the crap out of him

 

[shira]

I heard that this blind item was about Tiger Woods...

2. "As if this famous athlete doesn't have enough dang problems right now, you can add a couple more to the list. His wife knew that he had relied on a certain substance in the past to relieve his extreme bouts with performance anxiety. However she did not know until a couple of days ago that he has been experimenting with other substances that could get flagged during testing. The second problem he has is his penchant for women who are paid handsomely to be discreet about their extra-curricular activities with him. Word is that he likes to be punished for his bad behavior. He was subjected to harsh discipline from an early age, and he tells the women that he needs them to continue that tradition in order for him to be perfect. But don't expect either of these habits to come to the forefront in the coming months. Everyone is getting paid off to lie or to keep their trap shut."

This is a guy who can control his nerves and sink two long putts to first force a playoff in the 2008 U.S. Open, then force the playoff into sudden death, yet he has performance anxiety in the bedroom? Sounds kind of inconsistent to me.

Edit: But BOY do I hope it's true. Sex and violence. And more sex. Yumpin' Yimminy, as my Swedish grandfather used to say.

 

[Zebo]

I laughed.

I don't know about his wife being able to swat Tigers head. I mean we're talking a world class athlete vs. a 105 lbs tops woman. Bat/club/iron or not, easily disarmed. Then again drugs he's on could have played a factor.

Sounds like someone needs to bust OJ out and take care of business before divorce courts do if you ask me.

 

[IronWing]

How come we don't have a Tiger Woods thread yet?

No sex tape.

 

[shira]

And to anticipate the question: I don't know what just happened to Uchitel's boobies in the OP. Apparently they're gettin' hit pretty hard right now on the web.

They, er, she's been discovered!

Edit: They're baaaa - aaaack.

 

[WhipperSnapper]

What bothers me about this Tiger Woods incident is the amount of publicity that it's getting. Who cares? Why should it be the lead story on the national news? Surely something of greater consequence must be going on in the world.

I find the amount of coverage this story is receiving to be offensive. It would be nice of the news channels would report some real news and not this crap.

 

[palehorse]

I'll say this: the man has good taste.

 

[spittledip]

I say who cares.

 

[shira]

I'll say this: the man has good taste.

Only Rachel and Elin know for sure.

 

[shira]

I say who cares.

Can't we have a tad less earth-shaking issues and a bit more mindless voyeurism?

 

[MotF Bane]

There's already a Tiger Woods thread.

 

[stateofbeasley]

Maybe Tiger just sucks at driving.

I have known people who got into far stupider accidents, some in their own driveway.

 

[IGBT]

it's a diversionary media action line story. who gives a crap about tiger woods.

 

[Deeko]

Sweet TMZ thread.

 

[nageov3t]

What bothers me about this Tiger Woods incident is the amount of publicity that it's getting. Who cares? Why should it be the lead story on the national news? Surely something of greater consequence must be going on in the world.

I find the amount of coverage this story is receiving to be offensive. It would be nice of the news channels would report some real news and not this crap.

a quick survey of the major tv news network reveals none of them talking about Tiger Woods, and the story is pretty well buried on the websites of most major newspapers.

CNN - cop killer
FN - iran
MSNBC - afghanistan

 

[GTaudiophile]

More opiate for the masses sadly.

This should not be news.

 

[nageov3t]

More opiate for the masses sadly.

This should not be news.

and a golfer shouldn't be getting paid millions to endorse products that have nothing to do with golf, but that's the way the world works when you decide to become a public figure and shape a career around your image.

 

[TastesLikeChicken]

a quick survey of the major tv news network reveals none of them talking about Tiger Woods, and the story is pretty well buried on the websites of most major newspapers.

CNN - cop killer
FN - iran
MSNBC - afghanistan

http://money.cnn.com/2009/11/30/news/companies/tiger_woods_sponsorships/index.htm

http://foxsports.foxnews.com/golf/story/10447162/For-3rd-time,-Woods-cancels-meeting-with-police

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/34174324/ns/sports-golf/

It was on the front page of CNN. Fox and MSNBC have the stories featured on their Sports page. The Golf Channel and ESPN are both covering the story heavily.

Personally, I don't care what Tiger does in his private life. The guy is a near god on the golf course and that's the only time I pay much attention to what he does.

 

[KK]

Maybe Tiger just sucks at driving.

I have known people who got into far stupider accidents, some in their own driveway.

And maybe his wife is stupid too. I know some real stupid people that have tried to pull people to safety by trying to cut thru the car floor from underneath using tinsnips.