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How bad ass is this?

H

HelloWorl

Senior member
633657401494508619-badass.jpg
 
Last edited:
This was the original post

A heartened heart
A joyful start
To each day’s begin

A wholesome hour
Without flounder
And problems that amend

A joyous smile
Void of trial
For all to view

These things you give
A wondrous life to live
To spend with you

By HelloWorl
Click to expand...



poetry is gay
 
Last edited:
HelloWorl said:
A heartened heart
A joyful start
To each day’s begin
Click to expand...

Overly-simplified rhyme on the first two lines and unusual rhyme pattern (AAB). Poor rhythmic construction, cringeworthy in the last line.

A wholesome hour
Without flounder
And problems that amend
Click to expand...

Flounder is a fish. It can also mean to flail about but not in this context. Flounder and hour don't rhyme. Awkward rhythm in the last line again.

A joyous smile
Void of trial
For all to view
Click to expand...

More stilted last line rhythm. Poor word choices, antithetical to each other. Joyous/void - they provoke opposite reactions in the reader and cause the stanza impressions to clash.

These things you give
A wondrous life to live
To spend with you
Click to expand...
Last line ouch on the rhythm, as usual.

If you're writing a poem to give to a girl though, none of that matters since she'll like it for the effort anyway. If you're writing it to turn in at high school then you should fix your metre issues. If you're writing it to turn into college or attempt publication, scrap it and start over.
 
There is a guy at my old work that we call boots.

we call him boots cause he had his head his so far up the bosses ass all we could see were his boots.
 
You should jack your rhymes from rap songs and say they're yours.

Girlfriend here's a pen, call me round ten
Come through, have sex on rugs that's Persian
Come up to your job, hit you while you working
for certain, Poppa freaking, not speaking
Leave that ass leakin, like rapper demo
Tell them hoe, take they clothes off slowly
Hit em wit the force like Obe, dick black like Toby
Watch me roam like Gobe, lucky they don't owe me
Where the safe show me, homey..
 
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red, than her lips red:
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound:
I grant I never saw a goddess go,
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare,
As any she belied with false compare.
 
The ancient Romans knew how to write poetry:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catullus_16

1 I will sodomize you and face-fuck you,
2 Cock-sucker Aurelius and catamite Furius,
3 You who think, because my verses
4 Are delicate, that I am a sissy.
5 For it's right for the devoted poet to be chaste
6 Himself, but it's not necessary for his verses to be so.
7 Verses which then have taste and charm,
8 If they are delicate and sexy,
9 And can incite an itch,
10 And I don't mean in boys, but in those hairy old men
11 Who can't get their flaccid dicks up.
12 You, because you have read of my thousand kisses,
13 You think I'm a sissy?
14 I will sodomize you and face-fuck you.
 
PottedMeat said:
The ancient Romans knew how to write poetry:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catullus_16

1 I will sodomize you and face-fuck you,
2 Cock-sucker Aurelius and catamite Furius,
3 You who think, because my verses
4 Are delicate, that I am a sissy.
5 For it's right for the devoted poet to be chaste
6 Himself, but it's not necessary for his verses to be so.
7 Verses which then have taste and charm,
8 If they are delicate and sexy,
9 And can incite an itch,
10 And I don't mean in boys, but in those hairy old men
11 Who can't get their flaccid dicks up.
12 You, because you have read of my thousand kisses,
13 You think I'm a sissy?
14 I will sodomize you and face-fuck you.
Click to expand...

Oh Latin, and your single words that have explicit, complete meaning.
Such a beautiful language.

😀

(I just had to look at the latin-to-english translation section on wiki)
 
Sea Moose said:
There is a guy at my old work that we call boots.

we call him boots cause he had his head his so far up the bosses ass all we could see were his boots.
Click to expand...

Better watch the toes there buddy! Sure you step on them today but tomorrow they may be connected to the ass you have to kiss! :biggrin:
 
PottedMeat said:
The ancient Romans knew how to write poetry:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catullus_16

1 I will sodomize you and face-fuck you,
2 Cock-sucker Aurelius and catamite Furius,
3 You who think, because my verses
4 Are delicate, that I am a sissy.
5 For it's right for the devoted poet to be chaste
6 Himself, but it's not necessary for his verses to be so.
7 Verses which then have taste and charm,
8 If they are delicate and sexy,
9 And can incite an itch,
10 And I don't mean in boys, but in those hairy old men
11 Who can't get their flaccid dicks up.
12 You, because you have read of my thousand kisses,
13 You think I'm a sissy?
14 I will sodomize you and face-fuck you.
Click to expand...
wtf hahahah
 
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