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Hoping to Submit College Applications Tmr

I'll be honest. I think that essay is complete rubbish. Usually I wouldn't be so hard, but considering how important this essay may turn out to be in your college application, I'd rewrite it. I wish I had what I wrote for my university applications last year, got accepted to every single university I applied to 😉 (Applied to 15 universities).

Your essay has no profound points in it, it's not engaging and it seems as if you're throwing a pity party for yourself. You need to find issues which matter more, issues which set you apart, but still display yourself as a confident individual. I'd drop this whole ebay thing, it's nothing amazing, there's millions of auctions on ebay. You need to present something which amazes people, not a "job" which a six year old could pull off.

For my essay when applying to get into university I wrote about how I turned a video game I played (Everquest at that time) into money, and the strategies I used in order to inflate the prices on what I was selling and ultimately yield the highest profit possible while maintaining an output which would leave no surplus supply. I made about $65,000 in one year, when I was 14. I ultimately equated why those skills in business would make me a good canditate for business school. You said that you would use the money you made off ebaying to buy textbooks and other necessities... come on.

Personally I feel that you don't need to answer the second question. Then again, it is your choice. Unless it inhibited your ability to learn, and your performance in school, in a manner which you can substantiate with paper evidence, then I'd omit that from your essay. In grade 12 one of my relatives died unfortunately, it caused my grades to take a 2% dip, and it was easily substantiated by my report card and a letter from the school, it would probably have helped me get in had I been in a tie with someone. I didn't end up sending it. My advisor mentioned t ome that often times if it's tied between two students they're going to take the student with the least baggage, while it obviously isn't a policy which is explicitly stated (for obvious reasons) try and keep these "problems" you have or have had to a minimum. It seems everyone is a manic depressant, suicidal, abusive childhood victim. If you really want to respond to question two try to think of a unique way you can bring something to the school you're applying to.
 
Originally posted by: Qosis
I'll be honest. I think that essay is complete rubbish. Usually I wouldn't be so hard, but considering how important this essay may turn out to be in your college application, I'd rewrite it. I wish I had what I wrote for my university applications last year, got accepted to every single university I applied to 😉 (Applied to 15 universities).

Your essay has no profound points in it, it's not engaging and it seems as if you're throwing a pity party for yourself. You need to find issues which matter more, issues which set you apart, but still display yourself as a confident individual. I'd drop this whole ebay thing, it's nothing amazing, there's millions of auctions on ebay. You need to present something which amazes people, not a "job" which a six year old could pull off.

For my essay when applying to get into university I wrote about how I turned a video game I played (Everquest at that time) into money, and the strategies I used in order to inflate the prices on what I was selling and ultimately yield the highest profit possible while maintaining an output which would leave no surplus supply. I made about $65,000 in one year, when I was 14. I ultimately equated why those skills in business would make me a good canditate for business school. You said that you would use the money you made off ebaying to buy textbooks and other necessities... come on.

Personally I feel that you don't need to answer the second question. Then again, it is your choice. Unless it inhibited your ability to learn, and your performance in school, in a manner which you can substantiate with paper evidence, then I'd omit that from your essay. In grade 12 one of my relatives died unfortunately, it caused my grades to take a 2% dip, and it was easily substantiated by my report card and a letter from the school, it would probably have helped me get in had I been in a tie with someone. I didn't end up sending it. My advisor mentioned t ome that often times if it's tied between two students they're going to take the student with the least baggage, while it obviously isn't a policy which is explicitly stated (for obvious reasons) try and keep these "problems" you have or have had to a minimum. It seems everyone is a manic depressant, suicidal, abusive childhood victim. If you really want to respond to question two try to think of a unique way you can bring something to the school you're applying to.
Click to expand...

you are mean. both stories were great ithought
 
Originally posted by: Qosis
I'll be honest. I think that essay is complete rubbish. Usually I wouldn't be so hard, but considering how important this essay may turn out to be in your college application, I'd rewrite it. I wish I had what I wrote for my university applications last year, got accepted to every single university I applied to 😉 (Applied to 15 universities).

Your essay has no profound points in it, it's not engaging and it seems as if you're throwing a pity party for yourself. You need to find issues which matter more, issues which set you apart, but still display yourself as a confident individual. I'd drop this whole ebay thing, it's nothing amazing, there's millions of auctions on ebay. You need to present something which amazes people, not a "job" which a six year old could pull off.

For my essay when applying to get into university I wrote about how I turned a video game I played (Everquest at that time) into money, and the strategies I used in order to inflate the prices on what I was selling and ultimately yield the highest profit possible while maintaining an output which would leave no surplus supply. I made about $65,000 in one year, when I was 14. I ultimately equated why those skills in business would make me a good canditate for business school. You said that you would use the money you made off ebaying to buy textbooks and other necessities... come on.

Personally I feel that you don't need to answer the second question. Then again, it is your choice. Unless it inhibited your ability to learn, and your performance in school, in a manner which you can substantiate with paper evidence, then I'd omit that from your essay. In grade 12 one of my relatives died unfortunately, it caused my grades to take a 2% dip, and it was easily substantiated by my report card and a letter from the school, it would probably have helped me get in had I been in a tie with someone. I didn't end up sending it. My advisor mentioned t ome that often times if it's tied between two students they're going to take the student with the least baggage, while it obviously isn't a policy which is explicitly stated (for obvious reasons) try and keep these "problems" you have or have had to a minimum. It seems everyone is a manic depressant, suicidal, abusive childhood victim. If you really want to respond to question two try to think of a unique way you can bring something to the school you're applying to.
Click to expand...



Wow, that's really blunt. But I do appreciate the criticism and I'm having a heart attack right now since apps are due pretty soon. anyway, both questions need to be answered, they arent optional. there is also a 3rd question which i haven't really started on. as for my second essay, they can be backed by school records (it should be in my file) and it was a big part of my life. but i'll take your advice into consideration. thanks for your time 🙂
 
Originally posted by: BaboonGuy
Originally posted by: Qosis
I'll be honest. I think that essay is complete rubbish. Usually I wouldn't be so hard, but considering how important this essay may turn out to be in your college application, I'd rewrite it. I wish I had what I wrote for my university applications last year, got accepted to every single university I applied to 😉 (Applied to 15 universities).

Your essay has no profound points in it, it's not engaging and it seems as if you're throwing a pity party for yourself. You need to find issues which matter more, issues which set you apart, but still display yourself as a confident individual. I'd drop this whole ebay thing, it's nothing amazing, there's millions of auctions on ebay. You need to present something which amazes people, not a "job" which a six year old could pull off.

For my essay when applying to get into university I wrote about how I turned a video game I played (Everquest at that time) into money, and the strategies I used in order to inflate the prices on what I was selling and ultimately yield the highest profit possible while maintaining an output which would leave no surplus supply. I made about $65,000 in one year, when I was 14. I ultimately equated why those skills in business would make me a good canditate for business school. You said that you would use the money you made off ebaying to buy textbooks and other necessities... come on.

Personally I feel that you don't need to answer the second question. Then again, it is your choice. Unless it inhibited your ability to learn, and your performance in school, in a manner which you can substantiate with paper evidence, then I'd omit that from your essay. In grade 12 one of my relatives died unfortunately, it caused my grades to take a 2% dip, and it was easily substantiated by my report card and a letter from the school, it would probably have helped me get in had I been in a tie with someone. I didn't end up sending it. My advisor mentioned t ome that often times if it's tied between two students they're going to take the student with the least baggage, while it obviously isn't a policy which is explicitly stated (for obvious reasons) try and keep these "problems" you have or have had to a minimum. It seems everyone is a manic depressant, suicidal, abusive childhood victim. If you really want to respond to question two try to think of a unique way you can bring something to the school you're applying to.
Click to expand...

you are mean. both stories were great ithought
Click to expand...


You're also the Marijuana smoking dieter who is oh so concerned about his caloric intake while he smokes the reefah. Then you get your thread locked and think the most logical recourse would be to post another thread about your thread becoming locked.

Oh, and you get scared by stupid Alien videos.

But hey. I'll help you out. If you're so concerned about being a fat ugly slob, as you currently are, check out John Stone Fitness.. Take some inspiration from his progress, and stop being such a stupid slob. Then, work on getting rid of the reefah, it will be difficult, but you can do it. After that, realize you're a god damn man, and get off that stupid low calorie diet. Stop being so damn lazy and do some damn cardio rather than dieting. Eat a healthy balanced diet and get a lot of exericse in and you can eat 4,000 calories a day and still stay extremely fit.

Also, learn some god damn proper spelling and punctuation.

Thank me in five years when your life doesn't suck so bad.
 
Originally posted by: Qosis
Originally posted by: BaboonGuy
Originally posted by: Qosis
I'll be honest. I think that essay is complete rubbish. Usually I wouldn't be so hard, but considering how important this essay may turn out to be in your college application, I'd rewrite it. I wish I had what I wrote for my university applications last year, got accepted to every single university I applied to 😉 (Applied to 15 universities).

Your essay has no profound points in it, it's not engaging and it seems as if you're throwing a pity party for yourself. You need to find issues which matter more, issues which set you apart, but still display yourself as a confident individual. I'd drop this whole ebay thing, it's nothing amazing, there's millions of auctions on ebay. You need to present something which amazes people, not a "job" which a six year old could pull off.

For my essay when applying to get into university I wrote about how I turned a video game I played (Everquest at that time) into money, and the strategies I used in order to inflate the prices on what I was selling and ultimately yield the highest profit possible while maintaining an output which would leave no surplus supply. I made about $65,000 in one year, when I was 14. I ultimately equated why those skills in business would make me a good canditate for business school. You said that you would use the money you made off ebaying to buy textbooks and other necessities... come on.

Personally I feel that you don't need to answer the second question. Then again, it is your choice. Unless it inhibited your ability to learn, and your performance in school, in a manner which you can substantiate with paper evidence, then I'd omit that from your essay. In grade 12 one of my relatives died unfortunately, it caused my grades to take a 2% dip, and it was easily substantiated by my report card and a letter from the school, it would probably have helped me get in had I been in a tie with someone. I didn't end up sending it. My advisor mentioned t ome that often times if it's tied between two students they're going to take the student with the least baggage, while it obviously isn't a policy which is explicitly stated (for obvious reasons) try and keep these "problems" you have or have had to a minimum. It seems everyone is a manic depressant, suicidal, abusive childhood victim. If you really want to respond to question two try to think of a unique way you can bring something to the school you're applying to.
Click to expand...

you are mean. both stories were great ithought
Click to expand...


You're also the Marijuana smoking dieter who is oh so concerned about his caloric intake while he smokes the reefah. Then you get your thread locked and think the most logical recourse would be to post another thread about your thread becoming locked.

Oh, and you get scared by stupid Alien videos.

But hey. I'll help you out. If you're so concerned about being a fat ugly slob, as you currently are, check out John Stone Fitness.. Take some inspiration from his progress, and stop being such a stupid slob. Then, work on getting rid of the reefah, it will be difficult, but you can do it. After that, realize you're a god damn man, and get off that stupid low calorie diet. Stop being so damn lazy and do some damn cardio rather than dieting. Eat a healthy balanced diet and get a lot of exericse in and you can eat 4,000 calories a day and still stay extremely fit.

Also, learn some god damn proper spelling and punctuation.

Thank me in five years when your life doesn't suck so bad.
Click to expand...

how much cardio needed to eat 4000 and look good?
 
Originally posted by: BaboonGuy
Originally posted by: Qosis
Originally posted by: BaboonGuy
Originally posted by: Qosis
I'll be honest. I think that essay is complete rubbish. Usually I wouldn't be so hard, but considering how important this essay may turn out to be in your college application, I'd rewrite it. I wish I had what I wrote for my university applications last year, got accepted to every single university I applied to 😉 (Applied to 15 universities).

Your essay has no profound points in it, it's not engaging and it seems as if you're throwing a pity party for yourself. You need to find issues which matter more, issues which set you apart, but still display yourself as a confident individual. I'd drop this whole ebay thing, it's nothing amazing, there's millions of auctions on ebay. You need to present something which amazes people, not a "job" which a six year old could pull off.

For my essay when applying to get into university I wrote about how I turned a video game I played (Everquest at that time) into money, and the strategies I used in order to inflate the prices on what I was selling and ultimately yield the highest profit possible while maintaining an output which would leave no surplus supply. I made about $65,000 in one year, when I was 14. I ultimately equated why those skills in business would make me a good canditate for business school. You said that you would use the money you made off ebaying to buy textbooks and other necessities... come on.

Personally I feel that you don't need to answer the second question. Then again, it is your choice. Unless it inhibited your ability to learn, and your performance in school, in a manner which you can substantiate with paper evidence, then I'd omit that from your essay. In grade 12 one of my relatives died unfortunately, it caused my grades to take a 2% dip, and it was easily substantiated by my report card and a letter from the school, it would probably have helped me get in had I been in a tie with someone. I didn't end up sending it. My advisor mentioned t ome that often times if it's tied between two students they're going to take the student with the least baggage, while it obviously isn't a policy which is explicitly stated (for obvious reasons) try and keep these "problems" you have or have had to a minimum. It seems everyone is a manic depressant, suicidal, abusive childhood victim. If you really want to respond to question two try to think of a unique way you can bring something to the school you're applying to.
Click to expand...

you are mean. both stories were great ithought
Click to expand...


You're also the Marijuana smoking dieter who is oh so concerned about his caloric intake while he smokes the reefah. Then you get your thread locked and think the most logical recourse would be to post another thread about your thread becoming locked.

Oh, and you get scared by stupid Alien videos.

But hey. I'll help you out. If you're so concerned about being a fat ugly slob, as you currently are, check out John Stone Fitness.. Take some inspiration from his progress, and stop being such a stupid slob. Then, work on getting rid of the reefah, it will be difficult, but you can do it. After that, realize you're a god damn man, and get off that stupid low calorie diet. Stop being so damn lazy and do some damn cardio rather than dieting. Eat a healthy balanced diet and get a lot of exericse in and you can eat 4,000 calories a day and still stay extremely fit.

Also, learn some god damn proper spelling and punctuation.

Thank me in five years when your life doesn't suck so bad.
Click to expand...

how much cardio needed to eat 4000 and look good?
Click to expand...


Let me pull out my magical calculator. One moment.

It's showing me the following result, "You're a god damn idiot."

It's not as cut and dry as that. Go read Bodybuilding.com, reserach it. I personally do 1 hour of cardio in the morning and then my weights in the evening. I have 9% body fat, and I eat about 3500 calories a day, trying to up it but I have a hard time eating more than that.

I doubt you'd have the dedication to pull it off though, you seem like a lackluster hippie.
 
Originally posted by: Qosis
Originally posted by: BaboonGuy
Originally posted by: Qosis
Originally posted by: BaboonGuy
Originally posted by: Qosis
I'll be honest. I think that essay is complete rubbish. Usually I wouldn't be so hard, but considering how important this essay may turn out to be in your college application, I'd rewrite it. I wish I had what I wrote for my university applications last year, got accepted to every single university I applied to 😉 (Applied to 15 universities).

Your essay has no profound points in it, it's not engaging and it seems as if you're throwing a pity party for yourself. You need to find issues which matter more, issues which set you apart, but still display yourself as a confident individual. I'd drop this whole ebay thing, it's nothing amazing, there's millions of auctions on ebay. You need to present something which amazes people, not a "job" which a six year old could pull off.

For my essay when applying to get into university I wrote about how I turned a video game I played (Everquest at that time) into money, and the strategies I used in order to inflate the prices on what I was selling and ultimately yield the highest profit possible while maintaining an output which would leave no surplus supply. I made about $65,000 in one year, when I was 14. I ultimately equated why those skills in business would make me a good canditate for business school. You said that you would use the money you made off ebaying to buy textbooks and other necessities... come on.

Personally I feel that you don't need to answer the second question. Then again, it is your choice. Unless it inhibited your ability to learn, and your performance in school, in a manner which you can substantiate with paper evidence, then I'd omit that from your essay. In grade 12 one of my relatives died unfortunately, it caused my grades to take a 2% dip, and it was easily substantiated by my report card and a letter from the school, it would probably have helped me get in had I been in a tie with someone. I didn't end up sending it. My advisor mentioned t ome that often times if it's tied between two students they're going to take the student with the least baggage, while it obviously isn't a policy which is explicitly stated (for obvious reasons) try and keep these "problems" you have or have had to a minimum. It seems everyone is a manic depressant, suicidal, abusive childhood victim. If you really want to respond to question two try to think of a unique way you can bring something to the school you're applying to.
Click to expand...

you are mean. both stories were great ithought
Click to expand...


You're also the Marijuana smoking dieter who is oh so concerned about his caloric intake while he smokes the reefah. Then you get your thread locked and think the most logical recourse would be to post another thread about your thread becoming locked.

Oh, and you get scared by stupid Alien videos.

But hey. I'll help you out. If you're so concerned about being a fat ugly slob, as you currently are, check out John Stone Fitness.. Take some inspiration from his progress, and stop being such a stupid slob. Then, work on getting rid of the reefah, it will be difficult, but you can do it. After that, realize you're a god damn man, and get off that stupid low calorie diet. Stop being so damn lazy and do some damn cardio rather than dieting. Eat a healthy balanced diet and get a lot of exericse in and you can eat 4,000 calories a day and still stay extremely fit.

Also, learn some god damn proper spelling and punctuation.

Thank me in five years when your life doesn't suck so bad.
Click to expand...

how much cardio needed to eat 4000 and look good?
Click to expand...


Let me pull out my magical calculator. One moment.

It's showing me the following result, "You're a god damn idiot."

It's not as cut and dry as that. Go read Bodybuilding.com, reserach it. I personally do 1 hour of cardio in the morning and then my weights in the evening. I have 9% body fat, and I eat about 3500 calories a day, trying to up it but I have a hard time eating more than that.

I doubt you'd have the dedication to pull it off though, you seem like a lackluster hippie.
Click to expand...

hey i got a lot of lustre! ty tho 4 regimen
 
Hrmmm.
It just doesn't grab me, there's nothing particularly exciting in there.
Plus there's the whole sob-story aspect. No offense, but I think it woul dbe better if you concentrated on yourself, and why YOU are good for the place, not how you wanted to help your parents.

You are an individual, you have your own skills and experiences, and they ARE interesting, more a few Ebay auctions.
Make yourself an attractive proposition. Everyone can Ebay a few things 😛
It's damned hard to make yourself unique. Everyone else is going to have the same problems as you, but you just have to overcome them.
Don't rely on sob stories (no offense) to try and get them to like you.


The second part is quite good in some ways. It shows a strength of character and some determination, but there might be something more to add, I don't know.
The whole thing just seems to be missing a spark IMO.
 
Originally posted by: Lonyo
Hrmmm.
It just doesn't grab me, there's nothing particularly exciting in there.
Plus there's the whole sob-story aspect. No offense, but I think it woul dbe better if you concentrated on yourself, and why YOU are good for the place, not how you wanted to help your parents.

You are an individual, you have your own skills and experiences, and they ARE interesting, more a few Ebay auctions.
Make yourself an attractive proposition. Everyone can Ebay a few things 😛
It's damned hard to make yourself unique. Everyone else is going to have the same problems as you, but you just have to overcome them.
Don't rely on sob stories (no offense) to try and get them to like you.


The second part is quite good in some ways. It shows a strength of character and some determination, but there might be something more to add, I don't know.
The whole thing just seems to be missing a spark IMO.
Click to expand...


Yeah, I'm starting to think that my eBay essay is pretty weak. But I'm not quite sure what else to write about. There is only a limit of 200 words for that question and 600 for my second essay. but thanks for your comments. they were very helpful 🙂
 
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