honest opinion wanted

[Swag1138]

Take away my smile
take away my mind
empty out my soul
and in my vacant eyes youll find
a man who doesnt want a thing
a man without desire
a man who has no hopes or dreams
a man who cannot tire
and in this man
this empty husk
there is but one last thing
This man who died
but yet lives on
has nothing more to bring


Well?

 

[her209]

Well what?

 

[Nohr]

Woah, you're Trent Reznor?

 

[boyRacer]

that's quite depressing...

 

[AreaCode707]

would make decent song lyrics, IMO

 

[Ryan]

My opinion is that the world is nothing more that a giant bugar in this snothole we call the milky way

 

[Swag1138]

Originally posted by: boyRacer
that's quite depressing...

My writing philosophy is based a line by Blake Schwarzenbach in his Jawbreaker days. "You can turn a phrase until it reads a thousand ways, but it only makes sense if its as sad as it is good"

Not that I even think I could hope to compare to Blake Schwarzenbach

Originally posted by: Hatari Chick
would make decent song lyrics, IMO

Thank you.

 

[DaveSimmons]

"Oh, I'm bein' followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow" -- Cat Stevens

 

[Tom]

Don't know if it's an improvement or not, but here it is with one line removed..

Take away my smile
take away my mind
empty out my soul
and in my vacant eyes youll find
a man without desire
a man who has no hopes or dreams
a man who cannot tire
and in this man
this empty husk
there is but one last thing
This man who died
but yet lives on
has nothing more to bring


Also, I'm not sure I understand what the "one more thing is" ?

Is it "lives on" ?

 

[Swag1138]

Originally posted by: Dead Parrot Sketch
Don't know if it's an improvement or not, but here it is with one line removed..

Take away my smile
take away my mind
empty out my soul
and in my vacant eyes youll find
a man without desire
a man who has no hopes or dreams
a man who cannot tire
and in this man
this empty husk
there is but one last thing
This man who died
but yet lives on
has nothing more to bring


Also, I'm not sure I understand what the "one more thing is" ?

Is it "lives on" ?

Its more like the only thing to be said about him is his emptiness, but its poetry. Its whatever you (the reader) wants it to be.


I know its not perfect, but Im writing like a madman here lately, and this one jumped out at me. Just wanted to see what ATOT thought.

 

[olds]

The first thing I thought of when I read it was Alice In Chains' "Man In The Box".

 

[ohtwell]

I like it!


: ) Amanda