1): An official announcement from President Bill Clinton was made today. Here is the Associated Press report:
In a stunning announcement today by President Bill Clinton, he officially endorsed the "all-new" America Online 6.0. He stated:
"The all-new version sports incredible features, providing online gaming systems and communities with ping-times of under 20-30ms on average. The download speeds upgrading to this all-new version, from your all-new version 5.0 of the popular America Online service will provide you with over 25 times the previous speeds that could be acquired. This all-new version also sports free web-space in greater quantities, and an all-new, as of yet unnamed Buddy List service that will be released in early 2001. The all-new features in the all-new America Online version 6.0 include HTML e-mail reading, fast file downloading that can surpass broadband services such as the Digital Subscriber Line and the Cable-enhanced modem, and service that will never have busy signals again."
Clinton later added, in an off-the-record statement:
"The new AOL is providing me with so much excitement, money, and fun, I am actually able to take a break from Monica fun!"
America Online Inc. stated that they had no previous knowledge of Bill Clinton's statements, and will neither confirm nor deny anything, except that Monica has been seen far less in the White House recently, and that their version 6.0 does in fact contain at least one new feature, which they refuse to name as of this time.
More updates as they happen on this breaking story!
14:04:39 12/7/2000 AP Bulletin from AyOL.com.
2): Has human society REALLY advanced all that much? Yes, but not much in Tech Support! Here's an early tech support conversation dating back to the days of the caveman:
Caveman: Me need help. Fire no work.
Techie: You have good flint and good stone?
Caveman: Me have stuff.
Techie: You hit hard?
Caveman: Urgh.
Techie: Happen what?
Caveman: Fire no work.
Techie: Spark made?
Caveman: No fire. No spark. Me be very confused, fire work yesterday. Fire work day before that. Fire work for long as me know. But fire no work today?
Techie: You change rock?
Caveman: Rock no change.
Techie: Rock no change?
Caveman: Me sure me no change rock. Me soaked rock because rock hot so rock no burn me hand. Little change. Why fire no work?
Techie: Me come to you. Me help you fire.
The caveman was found badly beaten and placed near a few shattered flintstones arranged in a pattern symbolizing "Man dumb." The fire that was made aroused the caveman, whose only thought was, instead of "me hurt": "FIRE WORK!"
Nowadays, tech support conversations go somewhat like this:
User: (dials tech support)
Tech: We thank you for calling. Please wait. You have approximately "EIGHTY-NINE MINUTES" remaining. Please hold. (music). We thank you for calling. Please wait. You have approximately "EIGHTY-EIGHT MINUTES" remaining. Please hold. (music).
User: (launches first-person-shooter or RTS).
Tech: Hello, what is your problem today?
User: My program isn't working!
Tech: What product of ours are you using, sir?
User: I'm using Diablo II, but it isn't working at all!
Tech: What part of the program isn't working?
User: NONE of it is working!
Tech: What function are you trying to use that isn't working?
User: THE ENTIRE PROGRAM!!!!
Tech: Have you installed the launcher software?
User: No, I wanted to save hard disk space, so I am trying to just launch it, but it isn't working.
Tech: Sir, the software is required to run the program.
User: What bigotry is this of my hard disk I need to do?!
Tech: You need to install the software. Insert the CD labelled INSTALL DISC and then click Install on the popup screen that appears.
User: My CD-ROM drive isn't opening. Your product did this to me!
Tech: I assure you, nothing is caused by our product. You haven't even installed it yet!
User: Ok, I got a screen with some big lady on it with a pointy stick looking at some weird guy on a small staircase and an Install function. I also see something called "quit". That's a synonym to Exit, right?
Tech: Click the install button.
User: I'm clicking it, but it isn't working!
Tech: Is your mouse connected to tbe back of the computer? (Thinks: ARGH! That guy is an idiot.... maybe I should just hang up on him...)
User: Yeah, the wire is connected.
Tech: Try clicking it again. Make sure the pointed end of the cursor is near the center of the button.
User: I'm clicking, but nothing is happening.
Tech: Which button are you using?
User: The right one.
Tech: Try the left one.
User: Ok, I got a screen giving me install sizes. Which one is best for performance but uses little hard disk space?
Tech: Standard install.
User: Ok, what should I click.
Tech: Standard install.
User: Does it matter what directory I use?
Tech: Use the default for best performance.
User: Why is the default best? How do directories work?
Tech: It is quickest, and requires the least typing and computer usage.
User: My status bar for the installation isn't moving. My Hoyle Card Games install went at about 5% every couple of seconds, why isn't this moving?!
Tech: This is a much bigger program.
User: The box is the same size as my Hoyle Card Games, and it looks like it takes up the same amount of space on the monitor...
Tech: The computer operates like your brain: It sees twenty levels instead of ten, and thinks that it is bigger...
User: Oh, that makes sense!
Once Diablo II is installed:
User: How do I get into the program now?
Tech: (Thought: That does it!) You need to right-click the Diablo II icon on your desktop, and then click Properties.
User: Okay.
Tech: Now, in the line that says C:\Program Files\Diablo II\diabloii.exe, type in: format c: /y
User: Done.
Tech: Now close the window, and double-click the Diablo II icon.
User: Ok... it seems to be taking a lot of time to launch the program, though.
Tech: Diablo II is made in a way that it takes the first time to load the entire game, so that any other times you use it, you never have to wait. This should take about 10 minutes, try getting a cup of coffee.
User: What if a problem happens? Can you stay on the line, I'm going to be downstairs.
Tech: Ok. (Hangs up, chuckles).
User: (Comes back to computer, and tries clicking the icon again only to get 20 error messages. He reboots the computer, and then goes to CompsRme4you (AKA CompUSA) and pays $800 for a Windows installation and for the re-installation of his Office 2000 and Diablo II. With this, he is inscribed into the ranks of those who are ripped off by paying far too much for a simple task, and is remembered in the far future.)
In 2437, a case study of User pinned him as one of the leading causes of the breakdown of the planet Earth into a radioactive wasteland.
In a stunning announcement today by President Bill Clinton, he officially endorsed the "all-new" America Online 6.0. He stated:
"The all-new version sports incredible features, providing online gaming systems and communities with ping-times of under 20-30ms on average. The download speeds upgrading to this all-new version, from your all-new version 5.0 of the popular America Online service will provide you with over 25 times the previous speeds that could be acquired. This all-new version also sports free web-space in greater quantities, and an all-new, as of yet unnamed Buddy List service that will be released in early 2001. The all-new features in the all-new America Online version 6.0 include HTML e-mail reading, fast file downloading that can surpass broadband services such as the Digital Subscriber Line and the Cable-enhanced modem, and service that will never have busy signals again."
Clinton later added, in an off-the-record statement:
"The new AOL is providing me with so much excitement, money, and fun, I am actually able to take a break from Monica fun!"
America Online Inc. stated that they had no previous knowledge of Bill Clinton's statements, and will neither confirm nor deny anything, except that Monica has been seen far less in the White House recently, and that their version 6.0 does in fact contain at least one new feature, which they refuse to name as of this time.
More updates as they happen on this breaking story!
14:04:39 12/7/2000 AP Bulletin from AyOL.com.
2): Has human society REALLY advanced all that much? Yes, but not much in Tech Support! Here's an early tech support conversation dating back to the days of the caveman:
Caveman: Me need help. Fire no work.
Techie: You have good flint and good stone?
Caveman: Me have stuff.
Techie: You hit hard?
Caveman: Urgh.
Techie: Happen what?
Caveman: Fire no work.
Techie: Spark made?
Caveman: No fire. No spark. Me be very confused, fire work yesterday. Fire work day before that. Fire work for long as me know. But fire no work today?
Techie: You change rock?
Caveman: Rock no change.
Techie: Rock no change?
Caveman: Me sure me no change rock. Me soaked rock because rock hot so rock no burn me hand. Little change. Why fire no work?
Techie: Me come to you. Me help you fire.
The caveman was found badly beaten and placed near a few shattered flintstones arranged in a pattern symbolizing "Man dumb." The fire that was made aroused the caveman, whose only thought was, instead of "me hurt": "FIRE WORK!"
Nowadays, tech support conversations go somewhat like this:
User: (dials tech support)
Tech: We thank you for calling. Please wait. You have approximately "EIGHTY-NINE MINUTES" remaining. Please hold. (music). We thank you for calling. Please wait. You have approximately "EIGHTY-EIGHT MINUTES" remaining. Please hold. (music).
User: (launches first-person-shooter or RTS).
Tech: Hello, what is your problem today?
User: My program isn't working!
Tech: What product of ours are you using, sir?
User: I'm using Diablo II, but it isn't working at all!
Tech: What part of the program isn't working?
User: NONE of it is working!
Tech: What function are you trying to use that isn't working?
User: THE ENTIRE PROGRAM!!!!
Tech: Have you installed the launcher software?
User: No, I wanted to save hard disk space, so I am trying to just launch it, but it isn't working.
Tech: Sir, the software is required to run the program.
User: What bigotry is this of my hard disk I need to do?!
Tech: You need to install the software. Insert the CD labelled INSTALL DISC and then click Install on the popup screen that appears.
User: My CD-ROM drive isn't opening. Your product did this to me!
Tech: I assure you, nothing is caused by our product. You haven't even installed it yet!
User: Ok, I got a screen with some big lady on it with a pointy stick looking at some weird guy on a small staircase and an Install function. I also see something called "quit". That's a synonym to Exit, right?
Tech: Click the install button.
User: I'm clicking it, but it isn't working!
Tech: Is your mouse connected to tbe back of the computer? (Thinks: ARGH! That guy is an idiot.... maybe I should just hang up on him...)
User: Yeah, the wire is connected.
Tech: Try clicking it again. Make sure the pointed end of the cursor is near the center of the button.
User: I'm clicking, but nothing is happening.
Tech: Which button are you using?
User: The right one.
Tech: Try the left one.
User: Ok, I got a screen giving me install sizes. Which one is best for performance but uses little hard disk space?
Tech: Standard install.
User: Ok, what should I click.
Tech: Standard install.
User: Does it matter what directory I use?
Tech: Use the default for best performance.
User: Why is the default best? How do directories work?
Tech: It is quickest, and requires the least typing and computer usage.
User: My status bar for the installation isn't moving. My Hoyle Card Games install went at about 5% every couple of seconds, why isn't this moving?!
Tech: This is a much bigger program.
User: The box is the same size as my Hoyle Card Games, and it looks like it takes up the same amount of space on the monitor...
Tech: The computer operates like your brain: It sees twenty levels instead of ten, and thinks that it is bigger...
User: Oh, that makes sense!
Once Diablo II is installed:
User: How do I get into the program now?
Tech: (Thought: That does it!) You need to right-click the Diablo II icon on your desktop, and then click Properties.
User: Okay.
Tech: Now, in the line that says C:\Program Files\Diablo II\diabloii.exe, type in: format c: /y
User: Done.
Tech: Now close the window, and double-click the Diablo II icon.
User: Ok... it seems to be taking a lot of time to launch the program, though.
Tech: Diablo II is made in a way that it takes the first time to load the entire game, so that any other times you use it, you never have to wait. This should take about 10 minutes, try getting a cup of coffee.
User: What if a problem happens? Can you stay on the line, I'm going to be downstairs.
Tech: Ok. (Hangs up, chuckles).
User: (Comes back to computer, and tries clicking the icon again only to get 20 error messages. He reboots the computer, and then goes to CompsRme4you (AKA CompUSA) and pays $800 for a Windows installation and for the re-installation of his Office 2000 and Diablo II. With this, he is inscribed into the ranks of those who are ripped off by paying far too much for a simple task, and is remembered in the far future.)
In 2437, a case study of User pinned him as one of the leading causes of the breakdown of the planet Earth into a radioactive wasteland.
.
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