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Hey grammar nazis, looky here

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Originally posted by: Nik
Originally posted by: MAME
What grammatical changes are needed for this sentence:

Obvious clues including African Americans being dehumanized, uncleanly and unhealthy, were mirrored by subtle clues including African Americans being out of focus, away from the center of the painting and being physically lower than whites.

I purposely didn't add much punctuation to the sentence as I wasn't sure if I should add a ; or : after including or where I should place some ,'s
Click to expand...

First, don't use ":"'s in this situation unless the word "follow" is included just before it in some form, such as "is as follows:" or " by the following:".

Second, this phrase needs to be split up into two sentences. There is just too much. It does not flow; it's clumsy.

"The artist painted a scene of African Americans who are seemingly beeing dehumanized which is accomplished by the African Americans being painted as unclean and unhealthy. The artist's implied conveyance of dehumanization is mirrored by the illustrated African Americans being out of focus, outside the center of the painting, drawn lower on the canvas than whites."

I really don't like where this is going. Seriously, who gives a fvck where the placement of blacks are in a painting? OMG! Blacks aren't at the CENTER completely in focus of every painting ever made! Racism! RACISM!

sigh...
Click to expand...

I'll hold back on name calling and simply say that this is a paper for art history and it's basically the foundation of art
 
Originally posted by: MAME
Originally posted by: Nik
Originally posted by: MAME
What grammatical changes are needed for this sentence:

Obvious clues including African Americans being dehumanized, uncleanly and unhealthy, were mirrored by subtle clues including African Americans being out of focus, away from the center of the painting and being physically lower than whites.

I purposely didn't add much punctuation to the sentence as I wasn't sure if I should add a ; or : after including or where I should place some ,'s
Click to expand...

First, don't use ":"'s in this situation unless the word "follow" is included just before it in some form, such as "is as follows:" or " by the following:".

Second, this phrase needs to be split up into two sentences. There is just too much. It does not flow; it's clumsy.

"The artist painted a scene of African Americans who are seemingly beeing dehumanized which is accomplished by the African Americans being painted as unclean and unhealthy. The artist's implied conveyance of dehumanization is mirrored by the illustrated African Americans being out of focus, outside the center of the painting, drawn lower on the canvas than whites."

I really don't like where this is going. Seriously, who gives a fvck where the placement of blacks are in a painting? OMG! Blacks aren't at the CENTER completely in focus of every painting ever made! Racism! RACISM!

sigh...
Click to expand...

I'll hold back on name calling and simply say that this is a paper for art history and it's basically the foundation of art
Click to expand...

The "foundation" of art was established WELL before blacks-versus-whites. Why are you writing about it?
 
Originally posted by: Nik
Originally posted by: MAME
Originally posted by: Nik
Originally posted by: MAME
What grammatical changes are needed for this sentence:

Obvious clues including African Americans being dehumanized, uncleanly and unhealthy, were mirrored by subtle clues including African Americans being out of focus, away from the center of the painting and being physically lower than whites.

I purposely didn't add much punctuation to the sentence as I wasn't sure if I should add a ; or : after including or where I should place some ,'s
Click to expand...

First, don't use ":"'s in this situation unless the word "follow" is included just before it in some form, such as "is as follows:" or " by the following:".

Second, this phrase needs to be split up into two sentences. There is just too much. It does not flow; it's clumsy.

"The artist painted a scene of African Americans who are seemingly beeing dehumanized which is accomplished by the African Americans being painted as unclean and unhealthy. The artist's implied conveyance of dehumanization is mirrored by the illustrated African Americans being out of focus, outside the center of the painting, drawn lower on the canvas than whites."

I really don't like where this is going. Seriously, who gives a fvck where the placement of blacks are in a painting? OMG! Blacks aren't at the CENTER completely in focus of every painting ever made! Racism! RACISM!

sigh...
Click to expand...

I'll hold back on name calling and simply say that this is a paper for art history and it's basically the foundation of art
Click to expand...

The "foundation" of art was established WELL before blacks-versus-whites. Why are you writing about it?
Click to expand...

I was not refering to whites vs blacks. I was refering to art being a dynamic piece of work that is a medium of communication. And if you do not read the medium correctly, you completely miss the message.
 
Originally posted by: MAME
I was not refering to whites vs blacks. I was refering to art being a dynamic piece of work that is a medium of communication. And if you do not read the medium correctly, you completely miss the message.
Click to expand...

That makes sense. Out of context, it sounds like flamebait 😛
 
The obvious indications of the Africans Americans being dehumanized, unclean, and unhealthy were mirrored by the more subtle nuances, which include them being out of focus, away from the center and physically lower than the whites in the painting.

That is how i would have written it.

Can we get Descartes up in here to write a real sentence?
 
Leave it the way it is. Having one grammatically correct sentence in your writing is going to upset the delicate balance achieved by the jumbled mess that is the rest of your paper.
 
Originally posted by: jjones
Leave it the way it is. Having one grammatically correct sentence in your writing is going to upset the delicate balance achieved by the jumbled mess that is the rest of your paper.
Click to expand...

:laugh:
 
Originally posted by: blackdogdeek
Obvious clues including African Americans being dehumanized, uncleanly and unhealthy, were mirrored by subtle clues including African Americans being out of focus, away from the center of the painting and being physically lower than whites.
Click to expand...

Obvious clues include the dehumanization of African Americans and their portrayal as both unclean and unhealthy while more subtle clues include being painted/pictured out of focus and being positioned either away from the center of the painting or physically lower than whites.
Click to expand...

I'd go with someting like the above.
 
Originally posted by: MAME
What grammatical changes are needed for this sentence:

Obvious clues including African Americans being dehumanized, uncleanly and unhealthy, were mirrored by subtle clues including African Americans being out of focus, away from the center of the painting and being physically lower than whites.



I purposely didn't add much punctuation to the sentence as I wasn't sure if I should add a ; or : after including or where I should place some ,'s
Click to expand...

There are so many grammatical errors I'm not even going to bother listing them...
 
Originally posted by: blackdogdeek
Obvious clues including African Americans being dehumanized, uncleanly and unhealthy, were mirrored by subtle clues including African Americans being out of focus, away from the center of the painting and being physically lower than whites.
Click to expand...

Obvious clues include the dehumanization of African Americans and their portrayal as both unclean and unhealthy while more subtle clues include being painted/pictured out of focus and being positioned either away from the center of the painting or physically lower than whites.
Click to expand...

That's much better. :thumbsup:
 
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