Pretty amusing - I hadn't checked back on this since Friday. It all worked great - thanks for the suggestions - the motorcycle battery did it. It was a good effect - made to look like a shotgun blast.
By the way, if there is any doubt as to whether quoting AIM in your signature is cooler than quoting IRC - the answer is no. In fact, I feel cooler for not recognizing the difference. Not cool, just cooler. Feeling the need to share laundry stories with your internet pals - also not cool.
I do want to thank Deeko for supplying a website with Simspon's quotes - I have never seen that before on the Internet. Very original and I must give credit where credit is due.
Tool.
Also - if I'm so retarded, then why does my driver's license say "functionally retarded"?