Help! Please comment on my monologue - round 2 (edited)

[slackerinabox]

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Hey guys,
I made some quick edits to my draft and am on round two of my edits.. I read it to a few friends and I've gotten some great feedback (and I've gotten some great feedback here, as well - thanks!). Please keep these points in mind when commenting this monologue:

1) The assignment it to PERFORM a personal monologue about your life. Since the class is a theater directing class the important part of the assignment is to include a physical metaphor (symbol) in the performance that represents my life and helps tell the story.. My girlfriend said that she loved the writing but that I fail on the metaphor- anyone agree or disagree?

2) One friend suggested that I read the first section (story about me wearing a bubble jacket in summer) in an indian accent and the rest in a cynical/regular tone since no one in the class knows my real accent (I'm pretty quiet).. Good idea or a terrible one? I thought that it's a cute idea but I'm worried about looking like an ass..

3) Do I start with the metaphor too late?

4) Is it entertaining and if you were an audience member would you enjoy hearing it or does it drag?

Thanks so much for the help!

Link to monologue - HTML format

 

[slackerinabox]

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[Hossenfeffer]

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[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: Hossenfeffer
<--- is a working actor.


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Thanks!

 

[Hossenfeffer]

Good stuff. You make a good case (no pun intended) for yourself. Here are some random thoughts.

I'd agree that you could probably find a way to get into the metaphor earlier. A couple possibilities to make that easier:

- Bring the male/female facial hair bit into the first section? Otherwise, it seems you've got two sections where you give a tidbit, and then say "that didn't happen" (1 - immigrant story, 2 - surrounded by facial hair )
- Clean up the kindergarten intro a tad, giving it a bit more "drive"(?). Here's an idea. I wouldn't call it better/worse, just different:

Ok, so that never happened. That's just the story I tell any white person that asks me about my "experiences as an immigrant". It's more fun than telling them I was actually born in Queens.

I don't really remember a thing about life before kindergarten. There, amonst the finger painters, clay eaters (and?) was me, the kid that didn't seem to fit in. Shy, insecure.. Constantly nervous... sitting alone in the back of the class or locked away in my room at home.

- Maybe give an idea of what a computer "is" or what it does; expanding a bit on why it's the next best thing to masturbation and what drew you to working with it.

The Indian accent thing could indeed be a good move for the first bit, since you get to say "but that didn't happen". I'm sure it would get a laugh. It doesn't go on forever so I highly doubt it would grate on anyone or annoy them. If you do it, commit! Also consider coming back full circle with it at the end somehow for the bonus laugh (or at least a courtesy chuckle). If not at the end, "both male and female, of course"

Not to try and direct your directing (already feel like I'm overstepping my bounds), but a couple things came to mind in this:

And, heaven be praised (insert whatever here instead), I had the Indian male genetic trait that successfully kept the opposite sex at arm's length: extreme body odor."

You "might" be killing your laugh by hitting body odor and then an explanation of what it did.

Just after that, when you turn the computer up, I see you running your finger along the top of the case, like someone would on a nice car. (Less "Price is Right", and more "Engineer" or something). You have created a masterpiece. Gives a bit more punch when you dump things out in high school. Hmm, along those lines, are you actually plugging the cards in initially? Just thinking of some moment of you shaking the case, and the cards (for once) deciding that they'll stay in even without a thumbscrew. I hate when things don't go according to plan.

Along those lines, maybe drum up a way to guarantee the cards will smash. Also, consider that when smashing things, bits tend to fly. Might be seen as "too dangerous". When an audience starts feeling scared for the performer (or their own eyes), the entertainment value tends to drop. Protective eyewear for you might be possible. Or, (go with me here ) have a black bag, maybe something written on the outside of it like "Life" or I dunno. Anyway, put a card in the bag, hit the bag with the hammer. Repeat. Keeps pieces from flying. Plus, you have the added bonus of pre-loading the bag with a few extra card bits (for more punch later) and even putting the soap/deodorant in the bag. (Possible move there would be to go looking for the goth girl bits in the bag after you smash, but instead... you discover Indian Kryptonite.)

Another idea (which is probably making this more complicated than it really needs to be) would be to do more with the cards.

Treat "antibacterial soap and (?) deodorant" as if these words should terrify the audience, ghost-story-ish. It's introduction is almost a fourth "smash" and feels a bit odd, coming right after the raver girl bit. Hmm, maybe tie those two together somehow. Either you discovered the soap as a result of discovering goth girls or the other way around. Might feel off to have soap be the only real prop.

I like the potential keyboard bit. In my head I'm seeing "place it in once... doesn't fit. hmm. try another way... doesn't FIT... grrr. <beat> sudden bash with the hammer, break the thing in 2 or something over your knee. Nodding sagely, you smile and rest in the knowledge of a job well done."

Another idea. After the "how these bits fit together" stuff at the end and the stuff falling out, somehow rig another computer (laptop?) so it looks like your creation actually works, giving some picture on the screen. That make sense?


Hmph. Hope you don't feel like I'm stepping on your toes. I sometimes have a tendency to do that. Just that I think you've got some good material here. Gave you some random thoughts I had while reading it and imagining performing and/or directing it.