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Heard any good jokes lately?

James Bond who has just lost his job walks into a bar looking very upset.

Barman: Can I get you something, sir?
Bond: [doesn't answer but starts to stare at a pretty woman who was sitting at the table near him]
Barman: Sir?
Bond: [irritated] Yes, how about pesticide cocktail? I'd like some.
Barman: But....but..we don't have that.
Bond: Tell you what- 3 measures of turpentine, 1 of cyanide, half-a-measure of nitric acid and add a thin slice of lemon peel.
Barman: [makes a note] shaken or stirred?
Bond: Do I look like I give a damm?
Barman: I think you'll find that you do, that'll be 120 pounds sir.
Bond: ...
Bond: Beer please
 
Originally posted by: Aberforth
James Bond who has just lost his job walks into a bar looking very upset.

Barman: Can I get you something, sir?
Bond: [doesn't answer but starts to stare at a pretty woman who was sitting at the table near him]
Barman: Sir?
Bond: [irritated] Yes, how about pesticide cocktail? I'd like some.
Barman: But....but..we don't have that.
Bond: Tell you what- 3 measures of turpentine, 1 of cyanide, half-a-measure of nitric acid and add a thin slice of lemon peel.
Barman: [makes a note] shaken or stirred?
Bond: Do I look like I give a damm?
Barman: I think you'll find that you do, that'll be 120 pounds sir.
Bond: ...
Bond: Beer please
Click to expand...

Best joke ever. 10/10.
 
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman.

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
 
Sad, but true....

Ontario Judge gives 7 year old right to decide his own custody.


Toronto, Ont, January 29, 2009 !

A seven year old boy was at the center of a Provincial courtroom drama
yesterday when (through his lawyer) he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his
parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping
with Child Custody Law and regulation requiring that family unity be
maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said
that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate
family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life
among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to
propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple
Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
 
I know, I know...I'm just benchmarking how people bump silly threads, but I feel this is a million times better than discussing everyday peeing hygiene.
 
Originally posted by: loki8481
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman.

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
Click to expand...

haha so awesome
 
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
Knife and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family.


What do you do?


Democrat's
Answer


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?
If I were to gra b his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a
consensus.

............................................................................

Republican's
Answer:



BANG!


................................... ..................................



Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

 
Originally posted by: BassBomb
Sad, but true....

Ontario Judge gives 7 year old right to decide his own custody.


Toronto, Ont, January 29, 2009 !

A seven year old boy was at the center of a Provincial courtroom drama
yesterday when (through his lawyer) he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his
parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping
with Child Custody Law and regulation requiring that family unity be
maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said
that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate
family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life
among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to
propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple
Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Click to expand...

There are many variations of this but I like this Leafs version the best. 😉
 
Originally posted by: OUCaptain
<snip>
Click to expand...

wow... im not sure what would be worse, to have spawned that from your own brain or to have heard it somewhere else and actually thought it was funny enough to pass along.
 
What's the difference between a Ritz (by Nabisco) and a lesbian?














One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker!
 
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