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Has Anyone Here Put a Loved One in Assisted Living?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Lola
  • Start date Start date
L

Lola

My Grandmother and her two sisters are all in their late 80's. Up until now, they have lived together in a ranch style house. It has been relatively maintenance free for the past 10 years, but over the last two years, all of them have had failing health in one way or another.

It is becoming next to impossible for them to live alone taking care of themselves and the house.

The most recent upset in their lives has been my grandmother having a series of low-blows (health wise) from having seizure that led to her doctors finding a tumor in her brain that came back after she had it removed 15 years ago to heart problems, half of her body is unable to be used and she cannot walk. She has been in the hospital for several weeks then was transferred to a progressive care/rehab facility. The problem is that she is making no progress so she cannot stay much longer.

This is what leads to my immediate family making the choice to try and push the three into an "independent" living community. An assisted living apartment/condo is different than a nursing home as each tenant has their own apartment yet there is nursing staff on call 24 hours. There is also more available to the residence such as a community dining room should they choose to not eat in their own place.

Anyway... my question is... has anyone ever had the task of trying to convince an older family member to give up their "freedom" and move to a facility like this? If so, how did it occur? What was said? Was the move difficult?
 
my family placed my great grandmother in a nursing home when she broke her leg. there was nobody that would be available to take care of her 24/7, so the only option was some sort of nursing / assisted living home.

i wasnt part of the decision making process or "the talk", but just imagine how you yourself would respond if your children/grandchildren wanted to move you to a nursing home.

the move wasnt difficult, but i found it difficult to visit her - it was very depressing and i wish she didnt have to spend her remaining years in such a place
 
I don't mean this to be cruel but it is a commentary on American values. I don't think your grandmother would be very surprised or offended being moved to an elderly home.
 
Some tribes in northern canada leave their elderly out in the wild once they can't contribute their share. By this route you would accomplish the same thing but would only need to buy a baby seal club.
 
Originally posted by: sygyzy
I don't mean this to be cruel but it is a commentary on American values. I don't think your grandmother would be very surprised or offended being moved to an elderly home.
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Well, unfortunatly, she is already... even at the talk or thought about this occuring.
I try to put myself into the same situation and can only think of it as this: Why would I want to bother my loved ones to take care of me? I would never want to be such a strain on any one.

I understand she and her sisters feel that their independence is completely gone when this happens, but we are also concerned for their welfare as there have been numerous falls in different parts of the house eventhough it is very handicap accessable. Also, because they are all extremely hard of hearing, if one falls say... in the garage, the other two will not hear the cries of the one who has fallen. Several times, one of them will have been stuck somwhere for an hour because the other two are unaware of what has happened.

To all of them, it is as though this move will have meant they are giving up to die basically. That is the worst part of all of this. It would be a simple process if they accepted they needed help, but they think they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves yet everyone knows this is not true. 🙁
 
Originally posted by: Capt Caveman
If money is not an object, you could hire nurses to stay at their place.
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We already tried this and it was a nightmare. The nurses were worthless and it is unbelievably uncomfortable having strangers at your home around the clock. Plus, financially, it is impossible.
 
Originally posted by: Lola
Originally posted by: sygyzy
I don't mean this to be cruel but it is a commentary on American values. I don't think your grandmother would be very surprised or offended being moved to an elderly home.
Click to expand...

Well, unfortunatly, she is already... even at the talk or thought about this occuring.
I try to put myself into the same situation and can only think of it as this: Why would I want to bother my loved ones to take care of me? I would never want to be such a strain on any one.

I understand she and her sisters feel that their independence is completely gone when this happens, but we are also concerned for their welfare as there have been numerous falls in different parts of the house eventhough it is very handicap accessable. Also, because they are all extremely hard of hearing, if one falls say... in the garage, the other two will not hear the cries of the one who has fallen. Several times, one of them will have been stuck somwhere for an hour because the other two are unaware of what has happened.

To all of them, it is as though this move will have meant they are giving up to die basically. That is the worst part of all of this. It would be a simple process if they accepted they needed help, but they think they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves yet everyone knows this is not true. 🙁
Click to expand...

And that's the main issue, imo. I've gone through this on two occasions, and each time that was it. There's really no amount of talking, convincing or anything else that can change their mind on this if they haven't already done so.

I have to sympathize with their situation. If you knew your health was failing, the last thing you might hold onto is hope or simply ignoring it. By making such a transition, they're faced with the realities of their conditions.

The best advice I could offer is try to get them to visit one of these places on an open house day or something. Most of these communities have events like that, and it will give them a chance to meet people, potentially make friends, etc. Once they're met with friendly faces and realize that not everyone there is riding around in wheelchairs drooling on themselves, they are often a lot more receptive.

That's my experience anyway. It's never easy, but we must all try and understand since so many of us will inevitably end up in the same position. Good luck and the best to your family!
 
Originally posted by: Descartes
Originally posted by: Lola
Originally posted by: sygyzy
I don't mean this to be cruel but it is a commentary on American values. I don't think your grandmother would be very surprised or offended being moved to an elderly home.
Click to expand...

Well, unfortunatly, she is already... even at the talk or thought about this occuring.
I try to put myself into the same situation and can only think of it as this: Why would I want to bother my loved ones to take care of me? I would never want to be such a strain on any one.

I understand she and her sisters feel that their independence is completely gone when this happens, but we are also concerned for their welfare as there have been numerous falls in different parts of the house eventhough it is very handicap accessable. Also, because they are all extremely hard of hearing, if one falls say... in the garage, the other two will not hear the cries of the one who has fallen. Several times, one of them will have been stuck somwhere for an hour because the other two are unaware of what has happened.

To all of them, it is as though this move will have meant they are giving up to die basically. That is the worst part of all of this. It would be a simple process if they accepted they needed help, but they think they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves yet everyone knows this is not true. 🙁
Click to expand...

And that's the main issue, imo. I've gone through this on two occasions, and each time that was it. There's really no amount of talking, convincing or anything else that can change their mind on this if they haven't already done so.

I have to sympathize with their situation. If you knew your health was failing, the last thing you might hold onto is hope or simply ignoring it. By making such a transition, they're faced with the realities of their conditions.

The best advice I could offer is try to get them to visit one of these places on an open house day or something. Most of these communities have events like that, and it will give them a chance to meet people, potentially make friends, etc. Once they're met with friendly faces and realize that not everyone there is riding around in wheelchairs drooling on themselves, they are often a lot more receptive.

That's my experience anyway. It's never easy, but we must all try and understand since so many of us will inevitably end up in the same position. Good luck and the best to your family!
Click to expand...

Thank you for the kind words and advice. You hit the nail spot on though. They are have a hell of a time dealing with the reality that is at hand. They cannot accept the truth.

The worst part is that if we were to take them there to visit, they would ONLY find the bad or negative about the place. They have always mingled amongst themselves so hoping they would make friends is something that would not happen. (please do not think I am being negative, I am just trying to be as honest as I can with the situation at hand.) Because of the fact that their family was so large, they did not need friends. They feel the same way now. For example, my grandma is still in this rehab facility. They have a "day room" where folks there can come to socialize, they always have ice cream and popcorn there. It is very nice actually. Over the weekend, the three of them were there and another gal struck up a conversation yet no matter how nice the other lady was, they all literally turned their backs on her.

All of this is stacking up against the move and every time my phone rings, I have this fear that it is another family member saying one of them fell and died.

I think the crappiest part is that I am so invloved in this and I am not even their child, but the grandchild. I am in no way saying I want to wash my hands of this, but I often feel too much responsibility is being put on me in every aspect. I love them all more than anything so that is why I have become such a large part of this whole ordeal, yet I have my own life to worry about. I am feeling very overwhelmed to be honest.
 
My family owned an assisted living home for many years.

First of all, there are multiple types of long-term care facilities:

independent/senior living - basically a retirement community with only minor assistance provided. For seniors with only minor handicaps. Care varies widely and is generally not held to rigid standards and inspections that assisted living facilities and nursing homes are. Usually private rooms/apartment style.

assisted living - facility where complete care is provided. Most of the residents have handicaps where they cannot live on their own or require daily assistance. Many conditions are beyond the scope of assisted living and require a nursing home. Assisted living is held the specific health standards, regulations, and inspections. Meals are provided. Showering & changing assistance is provided if necessary. Medication assistance is provided & must be held in a locked cabinet), etc. Usually semi-private and private rooms are offered.

nursing home - facility where full-time care will be provided. Highest level of assistance provided, for all activities if necessary. Only level of care where medicare will pay. Usually semi-private hospital-style environment.

Alzheimer's facility - some assisted living homes are exclusive to patients with moderately compromising dementia. Some have specific wards. Others mix residents.

Hospice facilities - provides care for the terminally ill. This doesn't apply to you, I hope. 🙂

All of this said, you need to determine a few things:
1. level of care that will be appropriate
2. level of care that you anticipate will be appropriate in 5 years (e.g. do they have some dementia or physical problems that can only get worse)
3. budget

Here's my thoughts:
-Senior living is usually like an apartment for seniors that offers just some additional services. Nothing you couldn't easily do at home. Other than looking pretty and keeping your relatives out of sight, they do NOT offer much because they can't provide more care if necessary & won't be able to handle emergencies routinely.
-When you're looking at an assisted living home, ask to talk to some residents. Ask the residents for some family phone #s if they will give them from you. You cannot get an accurate impression of how good a place is unless you hear it from the people that have lived there a while & their families. Most places will go out of their way to look nice to the outsider and provide peace of mind from appearance, but the quality of care and love may be very substandard. Avoid chains IMO. Get to know the owner and the employees and make sure that they are enthusiastic in their care of the residents. TRUST ME. Employees have a hard job for little money, and there is a lot of turnover. A quality, stable, loving staff is probably the most important thing. They'll try to woo you with appearance, activities, and amenities. But trust me, residents mostly stick to their rooms and watch TV. Unless they like the people who work their, and unless the facility goes out of its way to get the residents to interact with each other, all those amenities are useless. They'll keep to themselves and be depressed and deteriorate rapidly.
-Do everything you can to avoid nursing homes at all costs. Totally different animal, and any one of quality has year+ waiting lists and high prices.
 
There is also helpful tech to add to the mix in the form of automated monitoring as well as med-alert pendants or watches. I would recommend speaking with a few case managers in addition to touring sites. Financial burdens are extremely high and the Guv's recommendations are to "spend down" to qualify for Access and the like. Reverse mortgages work for some (it did for my parents) but, other solutions are available.

There are two issues that are separate but intertwined. The first issue is quality of life and an individuals dignity. The second issue is affording the level of care needed. There is also the time and, sometimes more importantly, the energy required to pursue the aid available in terms of finances, planning and changing levels of care. The handling of our loved ones care, finances and concerns can easily turn into a full time job.

If you decide to take on the job as the care giver, as in administrator, be prepared for criticisms from other family members as well as being the first contact point for any/all actual care givers, business offices, government offices etc.

Long term health care for our elderly is something, as a society, government and, individuals we are very poor at. You have to make some hard choices and decide how not only to care for your parents but, how you hope to be cared for.

For those who believe in the power of prayer, you have mine.
 
budget determines whether this improves their lives or not.

I know a few in these things that are more like country clubs and less like hospitals and those in them that no one looks happy.

My ex's father stuck her grandmother in a cheap ass one right after her grandfather died. Don't know the whole story, but the grandmother was the one driving him to all his medical things, feeding and bathing him, etc. Then went to having her care awarded to my exes dad and him sticking her in some hospital against her will.

All I know is she lasted about 3 months going from a spirited old lady to dead. He inherited about $2-3 million bones. You'd think he could have put her up better.
 

I'm sorry your family finds itself dealing with this situation, Lola.

I've had some once-removed experience as my wife's family has already gone through this with both their parents. As you've already discovered, it's extremely difficult subject to discuss with older family members. IMHO families need to have these discussions, draw up plans, and hopefully make the changes in living arrangements before the medical crisis occurs. Everyone needs to recognize that it's sadly "downhill" from here and living arrangements need to be keyed to what may be needed 5-10 years from now.

My in-laws refused to consider making changes when they could, and as they grew older it really became impossible for them to even consider changes. They became so challenged just struggling through their familiar routines that the thought of anything new just overwhelmed them. We had to watch as her diabeties sapped her mobility and he grew weaker from his efforts to care for her. I'm sure that not all mediacations were taken correctly, meals became junkier as neither had much energy to cook, and their house became filthy. We also tried to hire house cleaners and day-care nurses, but they fought this (as an invasion of their privacy) and found reasons to fire every one of them (and some of their possessions disappeared with them). Even "meals on wheels" wasn't welcomed.

She suffered a series of small strokes, the last of which left her an invalid even after some physical therapy. The family was told in no uncertain terms by the doctors that she need to be in a full-care nursing home. Her condition had already deteriorated beyond what assisted-living homes would consider. It was really sad to have to pick from the few homes that had openings at that particular time; no surprise that the better assisted-living and nursing homes have waiting lists. She lived for another six months with increasingly impaired mental function, dying in her sleep (thankfully before she stopped recognizing my wife as her daughter -- her grandchildren had been forgotten).

He continued to live in their house, and initially did a little better without the burden of caring for her. He drove to see her every day, which was a worry of its own as his driving ablility had long since declined to the point that I refused to let him drive with our kids in his car. He angrily rejected the suggestion that he stop driving (threatening to remove them from his will). Giving up the car would have made it impossible for him to stay in the house. He became increasingly fraile and unsteady as he grew older. His diet was awful (lots of KFC!) and the house even dirtier. I once found him stuck on his knees with his torso draped over the seat of a kitchen chair. He'd fallen down and couldn't get up; I don't know how long he'd been trapped in between. This was the first of many emergency response calls to his house. He continued to deteriorate until he suffered his own medical crisis. Again, the family was told in no uncertain terms that he needed full-time care in a nursing home. And, again, we had to pick from homes with openings. He eventually moved to a nuring home near our home, and my wife visited him almost every day. It was sad to watch him continue to deteriorate. He died after about 18 months in the home due to congestive heart failure.

I wish this story of my wife's family were unique. Unfortunately, things play out this way with depressing regularity. I'm posting their experience because I want you to understand how unpleasant their lives became. They chose to avoid the unpleasantness of having that conversation when their parents were in their 70's, without realizing that doing so put them all on a much sadder path for the next two decades.

I hope they will listen to you.
 
Wow, this makes me feel fortunate that my grandparents, who are in their late 80s, are still able to care for themselves. My granddad would just about die if we ever put him into a home.... 🙁
 
Yes. Some go willingly and some go kicking and screaming and some don't go.

Either they go before they really need it or after - before or after there is a fall, etc. with broken bones or a fire in the house. The ones who have been social all their lives are sometimes excited about going - like to camp. The others - well...

It can be sad; I don't envy you.
 
Both of my grandmothers and my great grandmother lived out their last years in assisted living or nursing homes. I was young when they each went, but I do remember it took something to scare them so they couldn't deny the fact that they could no longer take care of themselves. One slipped in the bath tub and almost drowned twice, another wandered around town lost for a good 6 hours, and my great grandmother almost burned her house down.
 
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