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Ha! I got your hat!

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M

MikeMike

Lifer

Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
 
If I had a genie I can think of a few things that would be cool. My first wish would be that everyone would have a functional penis attached to their left wrist. My second wish would be that everyone had a vagina in the usual place. I'm not really sure about my third wish. It's a toss up between wishing for seven primary colors instead of three, or wishing that you can divide by zero. Both would be pretty cool, but I'm leaning more toward the extra colors. That way everyone could look at the psychedelic light show as they had fun with their new genitalia. It's just my way of giving something back to the world. Think about what it would mean. Crime would drop to nothing overnight. Problems like depression and anxiety disorders would go away. No one would ever be bored. No one would ever kill themselves, or feel sorry for themselves. Saying, "Go screw yourself" would no longer be an insult, but an affectionate way of saying goodbye. Mountain Dew would be available in a variety of fruity new colors. In short, in would be the Golden Age of mankind, and I would be its herald. In some primitive tribes, I would be worshiped as a god.

But if I wished for that divide by zero thing, then that funky proof where one equals two would work. What would that mean for the universe? Would one being two depend on your perspective? Maybe we could all perform miracles like feeding a million people with one crumb of bread because we could turn each crumb into two over and over again. That would be cool, and a useful thing to have access to in a world where everyone is humping themselves all day long because no one would feel like working anymore. But we would lose all the funky colors and the fruity new Mountain Dew. Choices, choices!
 
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