Getting Divorced - It is officially over! Done! Fini!

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

<STRONG>EDIT 12-19-2003</STRONG>
Well I thought I was all set, but I am not. This is driving me nuts, she doesnt even seem to care that it is over for us....
I thought I could be strong and not get upset, but I find that I cannot do it.....

So she asks me to look at the PC, the girls cant seem to play a game, so i logon and check it out and sure enough it wont run. So I hit the net and find an update and voila it works.
I get all curious and I figure why not look at the history of places she has been...it is in fact my PC that i am going to end up giving her, but why not right?

She keeps looking for these loft beds and what not, they would be for the kids, so no biggie there. But then i see a bunch of these "i am looking for a friend" sites. like anywho, etc.
The ones where you put in a name and then it tells you their phone number and stuff. So she has this guys name in there, it was someone she worked with a few years back. She always talked about him allot, and I would hear here talking to him on the phone every once in awhile....i thought it was harmless...she works with him so no big deal...

He had a roomate (a chick) but they were not involved. Now I am beginning to wonder if she is interested in this guy, he works in the same field as she does, so it would make for nice conversation every day I am sure.
I was thinking of trying to drop a hint out there that I might know she is doing this type of thing, but then I thought...what good does that do me? I am feeling more and more like there is someone else and she is just lying to me while I am here in the house so that things don't get to wierd. I cant say as I blam her, I would be pissed, but I get this vibe form her that we are getting along, then it goes away..like she is happy with me here then she is not....if there is someone else that she is with or trying to be with, then i would like to know so that i can finally see her for what she really is changed to.

she is wanting to nail this guy every which way possible and now exploring her options....she is also thinking about her kids...she doesn't OWE you any explainations and her desire for a lot of sex is not a sign she is a bad mother...you are probably getting along fine until you want more than friendship and then she withdraws....How if she has found someone else has she CHANGED into something?[like what a monster???] I think you need to look into the mirror is that is your answer to this so failed relationship. In my divorce the answer was not her screwing a bunch of other guys (we talked about it some nights that we slept together), it was our major changes, and we both agreed we both had already found other partners. Be done with this and move on, please.

&Aring;

 

[RossMAN]

Originally posted by: Crazyfool
I recommended a private eye before and I still think may be a useful thing.

If I were you I would also install a keystroke logger(it's your computer) and see exactly what is going on. People never see it coming until it's too late and in this case you might at least be able to save some cash or a bit of sanity.

Good luck.

I would also recommend a key logger application.

 

[LordMagnusKain]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: LordMagnusKain

Originally posted by: EagleKeeper

Originally posted by: LordMagnusKain
what selfish people would do that to their kids... man.

Too many spouses are interested in shafting/payback to the other to be concerned with the impact on the kids.

A civil divorce would be easier/smoother on the children, but then there is no revenge factor (encourage by family/friends and lawyer snakes) against the other party.

good information about how detrimental to the kids this is should be found and given to her, if she has any regard beyond herself she'll see she needs to forget her worthless BS and stick with it for another few years.

I hate to tell all you REALISTS this, but chances are her response will merely be "Well agree with me then".

Both = solemn bliss for the kids.

Usually the crazy person in any deal is banking on the sane one to give up.

If you have unlimited funds you can keep the B/S going indefinitely pretty much.

&Atilde;?

so then you submit on all issues shy of adultery or physical abuse.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: NorthRiver
Just move out! You are making it harder on yourself by staying. Set up times to be with your kids, and move on.

If i move out I lose my right to my kids..I am NOT going to do that...no matter how hard it is on me, i am not going to make it easy for her to let me see my children only 4 times a month. Thats just damn ridiculous.

I can say that I now think she does have someone else, or maybe someone she likes and she wants to move on to somethign better for her...thats fine...but why not come clean with it?
I am pissed about this WHOLE thing, not just the idea that she might have someone. I think that some people are missing part of what this thread is about....

I am in love with her...I probably always will be..she is of course still my wife. And though it may be niave and ridiculous, but we are STILL married regardless of what paper work is flying around the courts. I wouldnt go and find someone else until this is done, she should do the same..it isnt about her or me its about what the hell is right.

Wishful thinking I know..but why not do the right thing?
Also, about the comment of me looking in the mirror? That she should be able to move on right now...please...if the shoe were on the other foot I would be crucified for that type of behavoir.


Maybe she doesnt have someone else, she wouldnt tell me because I would clearly be upset about it. Fine. But dont act and say that you are innocent when you are not.
I love her, I just dont want to be lied to and I do not want her to hold this spell over me forever.....

 

[SaigonK]

[/quote] she is wanting to nail this guy every which way possible and now exploring her options....she is also thinking about her kids...she doesn't OWE you any explainations and her desire for a lot of sex is not a sign she is a bad mother...you are probably getting along fine until you want more than friendship and then she withdraws....How if she has found someone else has she CHANGED into something?[like what a monster???] I think you need to look into the mirror is that is your answer to this so failed relationship. In my divorce the answer was not her screwing a bunch of other guys (we talked about it some nights that we slept together), it was our major changes, and we both agreed we both had already found other partners. Be done with this and move on, please. Å[/quote]


She DOES owe me an explanantion, it DOES make her worse in my eyes. If I am to find out, what should I do then? Just let her have her way with someone else? Hide her infidelity from everyone and my children? Allot of sex IS a sign that she is a bad mother when she proclaims that she would NEVER do such s thing to her children, she would never find someone while she was still with me because it would be bad for her kids...ohh how the pious have fallen. Its called convienence, and I am not going to be the one to give it to her...she wont get on that easy from now on...I am going to take the position i should have months ago...that she can kiss my ass and piss off for all i care. I am going to drive her ass into the ground if thats what it takes for me to see my children.

 

[y2kc]

Maybe she doesnt have someone else, she wouldnt tell me because I would clearly be upset about it. Fine. But dont act and say that you are innocent when you are not.
I love her, I just dont want to be lied to and I do not want her to hold this spell over me forever.....

Love is a two way street. The sad truth is she doesn't love you anymore. Game over. You are going to have to accept that and concentrate on maintaining a relationship and reasonable custody of your kids before her boyfriend moves in and becomes "daddy". Get a key-logger, hire a PI. Get proof and use it against her in court.

She's making moves (possibly bad ones that you can use to your advantage) while you are wallowing in heartache.

 

[y2kc]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

she is wanting to nail this guy every which way possible and now exploring her options....she is also thinking about her kids...she doesn't OWE you any explainations and her desire for a lot of sex is not a sign she is a bad mother...you are probably getting along fine until you want more than friendship and then she withdraws....How if she has found someone else has she CHANGED into something?[like what a monster???] I think you need to look into the mirror is that is your answer to this so failed relationship. In my divorce the answer was not her screwing a bunch of other guys (we talked about it some nights that we slept together), it was our major changes, and we both agreed we both had already found other partners. Be done with this and move on, please. &Aring;[/quote]


She DOES owe me an explanantion, it DOES make her worse in my eyes. If I am to find out, what should I do then? Just let her have her way with someone else? Hide her infidelity from everyone and my children? Allot of sex IS a sign that she is a bad mother when she proclaims that she would NEVER do such s thing to her children, she would never find someone while she was still with me because it would be bad for her kids...ohh how the pious have fallen. Its called convienence, and I am not going to be the one to give it to her...she wont get on that easy from now on...I am going to take the position i should have months ago...that she can kiss my ass and piss off for all i care. I am going to drive her ass into the ground if thats what it takes for me to see my children.[/quote]


That's the spirit! You seem to be doing a decent job of hiding your intentions up to this point but I do get the impression that you are also still hoping for a reconciliation (which can possibly weaken your focus). Let go of the idea of being with her and vigorously protect your parental rights.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

If i move out I lose my right to my kids..I am NOT going to do that...no matter how hard it is on me, i am not going to make it easy for her to let me see my children only 4 times a month. Thats just damn ridiculous.

I can say that I now think she does have someone else, or maybe someone she likes and she wants to move on to somethign better for her...thats fine...but why not come clean with it?
I am pissed about this WHOLE thing, not just the idea that she might have someone. I think that some people are missing part of what this thread is about....

I am in love with her...I probably always will be..she is of course still my wife. And though it may be niave and ridiculous, but we are STILL married regardless of what paper work is flying around the courts. I wouldnt go and find someone else until this is done, she should do the same..it isnt about her or me its about what the hell is right.

I think your love and hope that she will change is driving this thing. Hate to break it to you but 9 times out of 10 affairs are happening prior to the actual annullment. As a matter of fact about 30% of all marriages have cheating going on within them, that may be even a low number. These are seemingly happy marriages.

Wishful thinking I know..but why not do the right thing?
Also, about the comment of me looking in the mirror? That she should be able to move on right now...please...if the shoe were on the other foot I would be crucified for that type of behavoir.


Maybe she doesnt have someone else, she wouldnt tell me because I would clearly be upset about it. Fine. But dont act and say that you are innocent when you are not.
I love her, I just dont want to be lied to and I do not want her to hold this spell over me forever.....

Again either way what happens and what is right are two different things. You can't base anything on those cases. I think she is indeed sheltering you from a lot, it appears you live in a fantasy world and not reality, this may be what drove her away.

&Aring;

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: LordMagnusKain

so then you submit on all issues shy of adultery or physical abuse.

That's NOT at all what I said. What I said was your fairyland solution of just filling her in on the harm she is doing to her kids, is going to get you the reply that you should then drop your counter-attacks and let her win.

Like I have said, these things are not fought rationally usually and almost everytime prior to lawyers getting involved no compromises are made. Once the lawyers come in they of course try for bluffs and getting it all, but in the end usually it's a pretty fair split (despite want people say, unless they gave up) of assets and liabilities with more liabilities since the lawyers both get paid.

In layman's terms, you cannot tell a serial killer "look dude, you are breaking a lot of laws here" and expect him to change his ways. It takes a way different approach.

&Aring;

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

she is wanting to nail this guy every which way possible and now exploring her options....she is also thinking about her kids...she doesn't OWE you any explainations and her desire for a lot of sex is not a sign she is a bad mother...you are probably getting along fine until you want more than friendship and then she withdraws....How if she has found someone else has she CHANGED into something?[like what a monster???] I think you need to look into the mirror is that is your answer to this so failed relationship. In my divorce the answer was not her screwing a bunch of other guys (we talked about it some nights that we slept together), it was our major changes, and we both agreed we both had already found other partners. Be done with this and move on, please. &Aring;[/quote]


She DOES owe me an explanantion, it DOES make her worse in my eyes. If I am to find out, what should I do then? Just let her have her way with someone else? Hide her infidelity from everyone and my children? Allot of sex IS a sign that she is a bad mother when she proclaims that she would NEVER do such s thing to her children, she would never find someone while she was still with me because it would be bad for her kids...ohh how the pious have fallen. Its called convienence, and I am not going to be the one to give it to her...she wont get on that easy from now on...I am going to take the position i should have months ago...that she can kiss my ass and piss off for all i care. I am going to drive her ass into the ground if thats what it takes for me to see my children.[/quote]

Nope sorry she doesn't have to answer to you...she can choose to simply file for divorce, give irreconcilable differences and be done with you forever. What the hell do you need to find out, her favorite position? what her new f-buddy's names are?....You are barking up the wrong tree it seems. You need to accept that she no longer wants to be with you and that will not change. She is not writing off her children and that relationship has nothing at all to do with you.

What kind of PURITIAN nonsense is having a lot of sex equal to being a bad mother? Isn't sex a sort of requirement for that endevour? It's seeming your values may be a little too tight for her tastes. I am hoping you weren't one of these holy roller types that get offended and reply "We don't have 'sex' anymore now that we are parents, we have to think of our family now and perhaps when little Johnny is 6 we will try for another" I heard this a lot when I was going to Baptist churches and forced into married couple/family groups. You realize (although may not agree) there are couples in 'swinger' type lifestyles that have large families all pampered and treated like royalty? These are parents having ALOT of sex and not just with each other. Now I would agree if you are having sex in front of your kids then that is a totally different matter.

I wouldn't call what she is doing infidelity....many courts I feel wouldn't either now that a divorce/separation is underway. I have also known of a few married couples that later on divorce, but still see each other sexually after....some people are just not good with relationships based on things other than themselves and sex. Is that person wrong for being selfish? I'd say not, I'd say if you cannot accept that move on...there are a lot of people that would love a partner that just wants to be alone all the time except in the bedroom.

I think you need to let go of your wife and think about your life and your children's life and your's without her involved (while still giving her fair time with the kids, but treat that as a black box that you have no influence on)...I strongly feel it is her you want back and are deeply hurt she is finding what she needs in other men....I think the kids are just pawns for you, like how most are treated in divorces.

You really need to make a list of what you want and need and none of that should include her on any line item. Then you need to think if that's fair or not in a realistic matter. Forget who she is screwing and who she wants to do whatever with, these are totally non-important items, and yes one day your kids may have another man they call 'daddy' or 'daddy #2' etc....that's the breaks. On the bright side you may meet someone else also that becomes a second mother to them.

I think you need counselling to deal with this properly and to be reminded of what is rational and what is not. I think someone you have lost touch of the reality of this situation and have gone into storyland and fantasy beliefs based on perfection and not what happens in real life.

I am not trying to sound like an asshole or be cruel, it's just the bluntness of this situation only leaves that kind of taste/sound.

&Aring;

 

[SagaLore]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
The ones where you put in a name and then it tells you their phone number and stuff. So she has this guys name in there, it was someone she worked with a few years back. She always talked about him allot, and I would hear here talking to him on the phone every once in awhile....i thought it was harmless...she works with him so no big deal...

Bingo. The #1 reason why people get divorced. One of the spouses decides that vows don't mean anything, and most of the time they hide the fact they're cheating all up to the end.

 

[SaigonK]

I know reality, but it can be hard to face it. Who the hell do i talk to about it but people here at AT. Go figure...I do not want to be breaking down in front of people at work, or even to my friends or my little sister.

So to sum it all up....

1. We are getting divorced.
2. I would like to think we can change it all.
3. She seems to be moving on, wether it is to someone else or just for herself, it is happening.
4. I still love her...i want to be with her.
5. I got a lawyer, I need to fight for my rights to see my kids.
6. She can regret this later if she wants..I would probably be a sucker and take her back.
7. She can kiss my ass too....

 

[SaigonK]

Well..I have had enough and now I am going to do it.

Wether it is true or not, I am going to get a PI to check on what I think is going on. I am assuming they can tap my phone? She probably uses her cell phone if she is talking to someone new. The finding of her old co-workers name on the PC was a bit alarming since she was searching for his phone and address, and that was enough to send me over the edge.

If i find out she isnt...good. If i find out she is then i am going to place it in front of her and let her know that I am aware of what is going on and that she can expect some serious nastiness when it comes to settling our divorce.

I asked her today if she still wanted a divorce, she said "yes", then i asked "is there someone else?" she laughed and said no, i said are you sure? You arent seeing someone else, you are looking for anyone new? (Meaning what i found on the PC) she said that she wasnt going to discuss this with me because the kids were in the house...I just told her that she can lie or tell the truth...but if I found out she was cheating then she would be in for some serious backlash.

 

[Red Dawn]

Wow in all seriousness it would really suck to be you now. Of course you'll ignore this advice but if I were you I'd just move on and not get all worked up if she does have a little something on the side as it won't do you any good if you do. In fact it will just make matters worse, especially for you!

 

[Doggiedog]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
Well..I have had enough and now I am going to do it.

Wether it is true or not, I am going to get a PI to check on what I think is going on. I am assuming they can tap my phone? She probably uses her cell phone if she is talking to someone new. The finding of her old co-workers name on the PC was a bit alarming since she was searching for his phone and address, and that was enough to send me over the edge.

If i find out she isnt...good. If i find out she is then i am going to place it in front of her and let her know that I am aware of what is going on and that she can expect some serious nastiness when it comes to settling our divorce.

I asked her today if she still wanted a divorce, she said "yes", then i asked "is there someone else?" she laughed and said no, i said are you sure? You arent seeing someone else, you are looking for anyone new? (Meaning what i found on the PC) she said that she wasnt going to discuss this with me because the kids were in the house...I just told her that she can lie or tell the truth...but if I found out she was cheating then she would be in for some serious backlash.

Good luck.

You shouldn't have told her your suspicions though. She might become more vigilant if she is having one and lay low until things are concluded.

 

[J0hnny]

Saigon, please give us more details on what your (ex)wife's reaction was when you confronted her?

Have you installed the keylogger yet?

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

I asked her today if she still wanted a divorce, she said "yes", then i asked "is there someone else?" she laughed and said no, i said are you sure? You arent seeing someone else, you are looking for anyone new? (Meaning what i found on the PC) she said that she wasnt going to discuss this with me because the kids were in the house...I just told her that she can lie or tell the truth...but if I found out she was cheating then she would be in for some serious backlash.

This sounds just crazy and seems the way previous things went down and also the reason she is leaving. How many times are you going to ask her if she is sure about this? What your have found so far is hardly infidelity and is pretty laughable you are getting tweaked about it....if she wants out of the relationship, it's not as if she has grieving to do or should be expected to....from your previous topic it sounds like it has been over for her a long time. She is bound to be looking for new people to do things with....however, just going out on dates is not infidelity. It would be easy for her to claim she is just looking for male friends in order to make sure any jobs around the house that need to be handled will be. Regardless you need to get over the fact that she will be having sexual relationships in the near future and it will be her right to. This doesn't make her a bad person or any less a mother.

Then you have posts like "Canon G5 - Should I sell it and get myself a new Digital Rebel? Or something similar?" In your attempts to hire a PI and what not, you realize if she plays the same game she will more than likely use 'too much computer time' as one of her weapons and the courts are becoming very sympathetic to this.

Are you trying to use your kids as pawns as I said before? No rational adult would bring up infidelity in front of children. None of this divorce talk should be dished out in front of them. You should not be attempting to have them pick sides or building up 'your side of the story' in their heads. It's usually the same thing as asking a parent to choose which of their two kids they want to die and if they choose noone then both die.

The last part is a threat and pretty stupid as well, now just knows to put things on hold if there are things going on. If you are sure about things there is absolutely no need to ask, if you are not sure asking will only make it harder to find out.

&Aring;

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: SaigonK I asked her today if she still wanted a divorce, she said "yes", then i asked "is there someone else?" she laughed and said no, i said are you sure? You arent seeing someone else, you are looking for anyone new? (Meaning what i found on the PC) she said that she wasnt going to discuss this with me because the kids were in the house...I just told her that she can lie or tell the truth...but if I found out she was cheating then she would be in for some serious backlash.

This sounds just crazy and seems the way previous things went down and also the reason she is leaving. How many times are you going to ask her if she is sure about this? What your have found so far is hardly infidelity and is pretty laughable you are getting tweaked about it....if she wants out of the relationship, it's not as if she has grieving to do or should be expected to....from your previous topic it sounds like it has been over for her a long time. She is bound to be looking for new people to do things with....however, just going out on dates is not infidelity. It would be easy for her to claim she is just looking for male friends in order to make sure any jobs around the house that need to be handled will be. Regardless you need to get over the fact that she will be having sexual relationships in the near future and it will be her right to. This doesn't make her a bad person or any less a mother. Then you have posts like "Canon G5 - Should I sell it and get myself a new Digital Rebel? Or something similar?" In your attempts to hire a PI and what not, you realize if she plays the same game she will more than likely use 'too much computer time' as one of her weapons and the courts are becoming very sympathetic to this. Are you trying to use your kids as pawns as I said before? No rational adult would bring up infidelity in front of children. None of this divorce talk should be dished out in front of them. You should not be attempting to have them pick sides or building up 'your side of the story' in their heads. It's usually the same thing as asking a parent to choose which of their two kids they want to die and if they choose noone then both die. The last part is a threat and pretty stupid as well, now just knows to put things on hold if there are things going on. If you are sure about things there is absolutely no need to ask, if you are not sure asking will only make it harder to find out. Å

And in every thread there is someone who pisses on the parade...but of course they are most likely right on the money with most of their statements.
Why should i care? I mean it isn't like she is coming back right?

 

[iwearnosox]

Offer to guide her to her lawyers office one day, lure her through a cave and when she's least suspecting it...

throw a brick at her!

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: iwearnosox
Offer to guide her to her lawyers office one day, lure her through a cave and when she's least suspecting it... throw a brick at her!

That might be the best idea yet!

 

[Kadarin]

You know, you guys keep up this brick thing, and we'll all have to spell it "br!ck", pretty much like we have to spell "st@b". And then other people, a year or so from now, will wonder why the hell "brick" is a forbidden word, and we'll all be cursing our own silliness and our loving moderators' collective lack of common sense..

SaigonK: You asked her again if she wanted a divorce, and she said yes. It's over... If you keep wondering what she's doing every minute of the day, you will just drive yourself nuts. Just assume the worst, and that will at least begin the process of getting over it. I wish you the best of luck.. :beer:

 

[luvya]

This sounds too easy for her, waaaaaaaaaaaay too easy!

Nobody goes through divorce with that kind of determination...or should I say lack of emotion?

I'd say she already has someone in mind, maybe you just didn't catch her...but from what it sounds, there must have something underneath the surface.

I mean really... you seem to have a pretty easy time to go through this (if it were me, I would be feeling like sh$t now) and the fact that she seems to have even EASIER time than you do just raise a lot of doubt...

just my 0.2 cents

 

[alkemyst]

Build her a shrine, but her picture in it, put a looping cassette tape with a porn soundtrack in it.

Good dedication to her NEW life now.

&Aring;

 

[y2kc]

Originally posted by: Doggiedog

Originally posted by: SaigonK
Well..I have had enough and now I am going to do it.

Wether it is true or not, I am going to get a PI to check on what I think is going on. I am assuming they can tap my phone? She probably uses her cell phone if she is talking to someone new. The finding of her old co-workers name on the PC was a bit alarming since she was searching for his phone and address, and that was enough to send me over the edge.

If i find out she isnt...good. If i find out she is then i am going to place it in front of her and let her know that I am aware of what is going on and that she can expect some serious nastiness when it comes to settling our divorce.

I asked her today if she still wanted a divorce, she said "yes", then i asked "is there someone else?" she laughed and said no, i said are you sure? You arent seeing someone else, you are looking for anyone new? (Meaning what i found on the PC) she said that she wasnt going to discuss this with me because the kids were in the house...I just told her that she can lie or tell the truth...but if I found out she was cheating then she would be in for some serious backlash.

Good luck.

You shouldn't have told her your suspicions though. She might become more vigilant if she is having one and lay low until things are concluded.

exactly. stop telegraphing. stop talking and let your lawyer deal with it. and (again) accept the fact that it's over. proceed as if you are engaged in a cold war (because you are). sounds like she is getting a kick out of you begging for another chance and asking her if she's sure about this.

ignore her, take advantage of the time you have left to bond with your kids and do whatever you can to stack the deck in your favor so you can get the kind of custody you desire.

 

[RickerOne]

Make sure you check with your attorney as to the legality of any monitoring you may do on the computer.