Don't forget to ask him about asset preservation and if he knows any good private eyes... this divorce stuff doesn't just happen without a reason. I really suspect something is deeper than you know... you claim she is honest but, then again, she promised for better or worse and now she is throwing you into the meat-grinder. You need a slap in the face, my friend.
If you can cut the ties to the finances she can't use them against you. Her lawyer will not work on IOU's and remember, she started this, you need to end it with your chin up and custody of your girls. I hate to see married guys get worked over by their ex-wives who found a boyfriend. And before you say she doesn't have a chance to meet guys.... does she work with ANY males? OK. Just trying to help.
You need to shake the version of the girl you married because she has filed papers on you. This is not the person who said they would love you forever.
Good luck.
I am thinking about a private eye now, but what would that really do for me? Would I feel better knowing? Will i feel better if she tells me in the end?
It isnt going to make my case or hers any stronger, so I dont know if I want to blow the money on a P.I. to find out something that is or isnt real and that does not have any bearing on our divorce proceedings.
She vehemntly stands by her claim that there is no one else, I have asked around, checked some phone logs, etc. and everything looks fine. If she does have someone else, then she is good at hiding it and kudps to her for being so damn sly without me knowing it. I hate to think she found someone else, but she has always said she would not bring a stranger home into the same house as her kids. Does this mean she wont go get laid somehwere else? no, but as much as some people might think otherwise, she does have one thing going for her:
Integrity.
She may want a divorce, she may want to end our marriage and quit trying, but she has been honest all our lives togehtor.
Again, what difference does it really make to our divorce? The state of Maine does not care about these types of things. "Irreconciable Differences" it's pretty vague. It wont have an impact on my child support, or custody either.
I can say that i am going to press the 50/50 issue as hard as possible, she can kiss my ass if she thinks I am going to just bend over and take it. She seems to be feeding of the idea that I am not in control of the situation.
alkemyst
No Lifer
- Feb 13, 2001
- 83,769
- 19
- 81
I don't know if the private eye thing is necessary...just the fact that she wanted the counselling and you said no to it originally is what brought you here.
I will explain it out:
1. You guys more than likely had problems you didn't even know existed, whether because of working too much, too many projects, or the computer too much.
1a. Sure that new kitchen or that overtime may have benefitted her, but when it comes down to it attention and love is what a married woman wants.
2. You blew off her requests for counselling, this may have been the line she drew in the sand. There were probably other times things like this came up.
2a. You probably caved in before after much bickering and agreed with her or whatever, and then slowly went back to your same self. She is not accepting that this time.
2aa. Your old self is probably decent and ok, nothing wrong with it....however it's not for her and therefore she is moving on to someone that will make her happy.
3. You are possibly incompatable....despite kids, a house in the hills, the perfect dog....two people that built it all may be wrong for each other or become wrong for each other later on.
3a. Sometimes there is not maliciousness involved, no cheating....just a change that needs to occur. However, if you guys divorce and two weeks later she has a b/f don't assume it was going on now.
With counselling (and so many miss this)...both parties think they are right....for one to say 'you are the one that needs counselling' is not solving the problem, it's avoiding it....also if you go to counselling don't later on state that the counsellor must be friends with the agreed to party....that they must hang out secretly or that since they paid for the session the counsellor would automatically agree. It doesn't work that way.
Also don't expect to be all right or all wrong....often times you are both right or both wrong in somethings....this is where compromise or separation comes in to play.
Unless you absolutely suspect her doing things and that this thing was not already coming prior to that first request for counselling then you may want to start dropping cash on private eyes, record searches, etc....but most untrusting spouses that do this usually had the facts already in front of them (man or woman alike).
My money would be on getting with the kids together and seeing what they want to happen with their lives when you divorce...keep it civil and agree that you guys just are not compatible (assuming there was no foul play involved or things that would not make for a good household for the kids).
Å
I will explain it out:
1. You guys more than likely had problems you didn't even know existed, whether because of working too much, too many projects, or the computer too much.
1a. Sure that new kitchen or that overtime may have benefitted her, but when it comes down to it attention and love is what a married woman wants.
2. You blew off her requests for counselling, this may have been the line she drew in the sand. There were probably other times things like this came up.
2a. You probably caved in before after much bickering and agreed with her or whatever, and then slowly went back to your same self. She is not accepting that this time.
2aa. Your old self is probably decent and ok, nothing wrong with it....however it's not for her and therefore she is moving on to someone that will make her happy.
3. You are possibly incompatable....despite kids, a house in the hills, the perfect dog....two people that built it all may be wrong for each other or become wrong for each other later on.
3a. Sometimes there is not maliciousness involved, no cheating....just a change that needs to occur. However, if you guys divorce and two weeks later she has a b/f don't assume it was going on now.
With counselling (and so many miss this)...both parties think they are right....for one to say 'you are the one that needs counselling' is not solving the problem, it's avoiding it....also if you go to counselling don't later on state that the counsellor must be friends with the agreed to party....that they must hang out secretly or that since they paid for the session the counsellor would automatically agree. It doesn't work that way.
Also don't expect to be all right or all wrong....often times you are both right or both wrong in somethings....this is where compromise or separation comes in to play.
Unless you absolutely suspect her doing things and that this thing was not already coming prior to that first request for counselling then you may want to start dropping cash on private eyes, record searches, etc....but most untrusting spouses that do this usually had the facts already in front of them (man or woman alike).
My money would be on getting with the kids together and seeing what they want to happen with their lives when you divorce...keep it civil and agree that you guys just are not compatible (assuming there was no foul play involved or things that would not make for a good household for the kids).
Å
i believe divorce is the easy way out... try to make it work out..and if it's not, try harder @ least for the sake of your children.
I have been trying to make it work, and she does not want to. So I am now content to let it end. For my kids i sih that this would have never happened, but what can i do when she is so bent on NOT working it out.
I go to see my lawyer on Friday morning to discuss my options, my rights, etc. I am not letting her tell me i can have my kids once every other weeknd and then i still have to pay her $200 a week for support. No freakin' way! I want to see my kids as much as possible, and if she wants money to help support them, then I can buy them clothes, pay for insurance, pay for daycare.
i am not paying for her rent, her new minivan, and her hobbies. She likes to do creative memories (cropping parties) she goes to these damn things on the weekends, spends money on all the stuff you just "have" to get. I am not funding that sh!t!
This is so true and yet another thing I can't stand about women. They will demand all your time, but complain if you don't make enough money for their spending needs. If you go out and make alot of money, they will complain that you don't spend enough time with them.
Creative Memories, I am sure someone here knows what i mean.
Basically they take all the normal 4x6 or 5x7 pictures you have and cut them up to paste into a book with all kinds of frilly stuff to make them into some type of theme.
It can be pretty cool to look at, but then i realize that my prize photo of my daughter on the beach got cut into a 2x2 square to go into a little flower border...it kind of gets depressing.
Ha! Good one! She is scheduled to go to one with our friend Wendie and my little sister in a couple of months. That stuff isnt cheap, you pay for a "package" You have to shell out a few hundred bucks to reserve the room etc. Guess I know where that child support is going to go to!
[/quote] You sure you were really giving it a shot at working 
Sounds like her hobbies may have been issues. Not saying you are wrong about it or she is right, but it is clear you guys don't see eye to eye. Å[/quote]
I tried, she is all done. The funny thing is that she showed me the paperwork from her lawyer over 10 days ago, but I have yet to get the letter from them to sign and send back to the court.
From what I know she did the paperwork two Friday's ago, so it would have been mailed already. Since we are in the same town as her lawyer, it should have gotten here by now.
Just surprises me that it has not...either she has not had them file it yet, or send it to me yet, or they are just insanely slow...which I doubt that.
I go see my lawyer tomorrow (Fridy at 10:30), and so after I do, i am going to sit her down and talk about this whole thing one last time.
I will know my rights by then and as such, this will be when it gets ugly I imagine, she wants one thing but I will now know I can demand my own things, with us still being in the same home it will be a bit rough.
I am going to ask the following questions:
1. Has the paperwork been filed? When can I expect it from her or her lawyer, it has been over 10 days and still nothing?
2. Is there any chance we can work this out at all? Is our marriage lost for good? Are we finished?
If she answers yes to #2 and #1 gets some type of answer that it is in the mail, then I will tell her what my lawyer has instructed me to do, and that we have now gone to far and that it is truly over, not just because she wants it, but because now I want it like she does. If she is content not to work on it and throw it all away, then so am I.
Sounds like her hobbies may have been issues. Not saying you are wrong about it or she is right, but it is clear you guys don't see eye to eye. Å[/quote]I tried, she is all done. The funny thing is that she showed me the paperwork from her lawyer over 10 days ago, but I have yet to get the letter from them to sign and send back to the court.
From what I know she did the paperwork two Friday's ago, so it would have been mailed already. Since we are in the same town as her lawyer, it should have gotten here by now.
Just surprises me that it has not...either she has not had them file it yet, or send it to me yet, or they are just insanely slow...which I doubt that.
I go see my lawyer tomorrow (Fridy at 10:30), and so after I do, i am going to sit her down and talk about this whole thing one last time.
I will know my rights by then and as such, this will be when it gets ugly I imagine, she wants one thing but I will now know I can demand my own things, with us still being in the same home it will be a bit rough.
I am going to ask the following questions:
1. Has the paperwork been filed? When can I expect it from her or her lawyer, it has been over 10 days and still nothing?
2. Is there any chance we can work this out at all? Is our marriage lost for good? Are we finished?
If she answers yes to #2 and #1 gets some type of answer that it is in the mail, then I will tell her what my lawyer has instructed me to do, and that we have now gone to far and that it is truly over, not just because she wants it, but because now I want it like she does. If she is content not to work on it and throw it all away, then so am I.
You say she is going to school for her masters right?
Right there it seems like there could be potential for funny business to go on.
Anyway, having been in your shoes I can sympathize. I've done those finance calculations too for myself and its depressing how the man gets shafted all the time.
Keep your chin up and good luck.
Right there it seems like there could be potential for funny business to go on.
Anyway, having been in your shoes I can sympathize. I've done those finance calculations too for myself and its depressing how the man gets shafted all the time.
Keep your chin up and good luck.
You say you won't be paying for her crafting, but if she gets custody of your children, that is exactly what will happen. Let me make this as clear as possible, you have to fight tooth and nail NOW if it is the right thing to do, if she gets the children and establishes herself as the main caregiver, you will not get physical custody.
The first thing I should say is the children need to be with the "best" parent. Usually one of you are more responsible, more caring, and put the children first, if this is you then fight for the children. If this is her then I think she should have custody of the children. If both of you are equal, then fight for joint custody. You really need to look at this objectively as well, are your girls really better off living with their dad? If they are then fight NOW.
You are at a disadvantage because you are male. Your lawyer will tell you this. Most judges will give the children to the mother but sometimes the guy can win if he is the better caregiver. If you don't fight now, you won't have a chance later unless she is an unfit mother. So again fight now if you believe you are the best parent for the children, don't do it for the money, but for the kids. Don't go out and get a girlfriend, get trashed or anything else that would make you look bad in court. What you do from now until your court date will be brought up.
Good luck, and be there for your children.
The first thing I should say is the children need to be with the "best" parent. Usually one of you are more responsible, more caring, and put the children first, if this is you then fight for the children. If this is her then I think she should have custody of the children. If both of you are equal, then fight for joint custody. You really need to look at this objectively as well, are your girls really better off living with their dad? If they are then fight NOW.
You are at a disadvantage because you are male. Your lawyer will tell you this. Most judges will give the children to the mother but sometimes the guy can win if he is the better caregiver. If you don't fight now, you won't have a chance later unless she is an unfit mother. So again fight now if you believe you are the best parent for the children, don't do it for the money, but for the kids. Don't go out and get a girlfriend, get trashed or anything else that would make you look bad in court. What you do from now until your court date will be brought up.
Good luck, and be there for your children.
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Get ready to fight for your kids. You really don't want to be subject to paying child support because if something happens and you get behind on payments, get ready to pay massive interests and penalties. (In CA), your wages can be garnished and bank accounts levied...and that's just the start.
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