Getting a divorce...feeling depressed. - Now I am selling the 3-Stone ring i bought her!

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: Riprorin

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: Riprorin

My reasons for divorce were serious and covered by traditional grounds so I doubt anything you'd say would make me feel bad.

I think we only get one life and that it's far too short to spend it "toughing it out."I was raised by two people who couldn't stand each other and that spilled over onto us bigtime,when they finally divorced it was a relief.My only regret about my own divorce is that I didn't seek one years sooner.

Well, given the divorce rate in the US, I guess a lot of people agree with you.

My parents didn't always get along (what couple does?) but they stuck it out and I'm glad for it.

There's a difference between not "always getting along" and being so miserable that death seems a more attractive option than being married does.I was raised by people who probably prayed for death for a good ten years,they didn't do us any favors staying together as long as they did,trust me.

 

[SaigonK]

I dont think she should stay for the kids, and frankly she wouldnt do that. I know allot of people who say that you should, statistics might say that two parents are better than one, but do they say two loving parents or two silent, always tempermental parents? It is just what it implies...a statistic.

I know she loves her kids, she wants them to have a good life, and so do I, I hope that carries over while this happens.

I called her while she was shopping tonight and gave her the update on what the kids and I did for the day while she was out and about getting Xmas gifts.
At the end of the call, i just broke it down and said what was on my mind: "Please give me another chance...a chance to work this out and make it all right". She said we would talk when she gets home in a little while. I know that the talk is most likely going to be a "you cant keep asking me this, i have made up my mind, we need to move forward" but I need to tell her how I feel.

 

[tk149]

Sorry to hear about that. 🙁 Be strong, you can make it through to a better tomorrow.

 

[Riprorin]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
I dont think she should stay for the kids, and frankly she wouldnt do that. I know allot of people who say that you should, statistics might say that two parents are better than one, but do they say two loving parents or two silent, always tempermental parents? It is just what it implies...a statistic.

I know she loves her kids, she wants them to have a good life, and so do I, I hope that carries over while this happens.

I called her while she was shopping tonight and gave her the update on what the kids and I did for the day while she was out and about getting Xmas gifts.
At the end of the call, i just broke it down and said what was on my mind: "Please give me another chance...a chance to work this out and make it all right". She said we would talk when she gets home in a little while. I know that the talk is most likely going to be a "you cant keep asking me this, i have made up my mind, we need to move forward" but I need to tell her how I feel.

It sounds to me that she's made up her mind and there's nothing you're going to be able to do to make her change it. I think that groveling is only going to make matters worse.

"I _____, take_______ as my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."

Guess vows don't mean much to the "ME" generation.

 

[SaigonK]

Right on the money, I wrote her a small note telling her how I feel, it didnt make a difference, she said we cannot go through this every two days or once a week until we are though.
It isnt good for either one of us. I am now going to switch into self preservation mode, doing what is right for ME and not what is right for her.

If she wants out then so be it, she can have what she wants, she can be free of our life and our marriage.
Today i start moving on.

 

[PlasticJesus]

Today i start moving on.

That sounds like a good idea. I would hope that you would feel at least a little relief having finally come to that decision. Best wishes
for you in what is surely a difficult time.

 

[Riprorin]

I hope that the break-up is amicable and that you're able to work out a reasonable schedule for seeing your kids.

I'm really sorry about your misfortune. Hopefully there'll be brighter days ahead.

 

[y2kc]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
Right on the money, I wrote her a small note telling her how I feel, it didnt make a difference, she said we cannot go through this every two days or once a week until we are though.
It isnt good for either one of us. I am now going to switch into self preservation mode, doing what is right for ME and not what is right for her.

If she wants out then so be it, she can have what she wants, she can be free of our life and our marriage.
Today i start moving on.

Good for you man. This is the best thing you can do now. I've been in your shoes and I know how it hurts. Your marriage is over, protecting your parental rights should be your main concern.

I took the same stance (moving on) when my wife decided she wanted out, and eventually she came to the realization that we should give it another shot (after I made her aware of how some bad decisions on her part were the reason why our relationship deteriorated in the first place).

Try not to ask for another chance, respect her decision and let her go. Acknowledge or dispute the facts she is using to justify the split and stop there. Once she feels you truly understand, she may come around.

Good Luck

 

[DainBramaged]

Originally posted by: konichiwa
Sorry to hear that; I'm a child of divorce and my only words of wisdom are that life will go on for you, your wife and your kids. It takes work but a divorced family can work quite well.

Although in *your* case...ah nevermind. 😉

 

[SaigonK]

This morning was tough, she just wouldnt budge at all. Then we started talking again about custody, she really thinks she can dictate what and how we will do the custody and the divorce.
I let her know how much pain and anguish this is going to cause, I even suggested an alternative schedule and she said no.

I am supposed to hear form my lawyer on Monday about my first meeting, that will be the time that I need to ask about my rights, what i should do and how.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe


Since you're here way more than most folks I can assume your version of "sex galore and fun times "
involves one hand on your keyboard and the other on your Johnson? 🙂

See I laugh at these attacks because perhaps I am here more than most (I doubt it though), I am also here normally only M-F 10am-6pm, as I work from home. Usually having a few beers, watching tv/listening to music, whatever. Today I was supposed to be out helping my parent's decorate their house but the wind is crazy today.

At night my life is a totally different ballgame, and previous to my marriages (both of them) I was never home or posting much at all since usually I was at some woman's house or a club.

Regarding the topic at hand, I will say that during my divorce both of us agreed to see other's while it was progressing and we were also sleeping together. Most of the times people don't leave one relationship without another in the waiting....it can happen that way, but unlikely. Some of the women I have slept with in the past were in the middle of divorces as well or preparing to get them.

but for the record I would not say I have never did a one-handed keyboard session, anyone that does probably isn't very sexual in nature... 🙂

Å

 

[dirtboy]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
So you have asked and I have told you but I guess you didnt read it correctly.

Why is my wife leaving?

A. She says that after 14 years of being togethor I am not the person she thought I was, i am somebody different.
B. She feels that i have not helped her in everyway that i could have in the past, and that now I am changing to save my marriage.
C. She has always "taken care" of me and she feels that it has been a burden.

Unfortunately I can empathize with your wife, because my wife and I got divorced for nearly the exact same reasons.

After being together for two years, she was not the same person she had pretended to be while we dated and the person she made me believe she was. I know this may seem hard to believe, but I actually saw her change during the week leading up to our wedding. What I thought was pre-marriage jitters, was really the true person she was. For whatever reason, she pretended to be someone she wasn't to get me and then when she did have me, she no longer needed to play her game. This probably isn't the same as what your wife feels, but when you live your life bound to someone that isn't what you thought they were, it is very hard. I lived every day of my marriage trying to get back the person I dated and trying to understand who this new person was.

After we were wed, my wife became seriously depressed. I think she got married in the first place because she felt like it would make her happy. When she realized that marriage was work and not easy, she became unhappy. During our two years she did so many thing to ruin our marriage. It got to the point where I felt more like a roommate than a husband. Believe me, it's pretty painful to come home and try to greet your wife with a kiss, while she is trying to push you out of the way so she can watch some talk show on tv. It wasn't until I told her that I wasn't in love with her anymore that she decided it was time to fix things. Seemingly overnight she came up with her plan to fix our marriage. One of these things included counseling. For me it was too late. I really had no interest in fixing things because my heart wasn't in it. I will admit during those last couple weeks she did try to change. Honestly, it was too little, too late.

I took care of my wife too and she rarely ever did anything for me. She expected her husband to do everything and wait on her hand and foot. Unfortunately, this was something I didn't know prior to marriage. You name it, I did it. I did the laundry, dishes, cleaned house, managed the finances, all maintenance to the house, the yard, the vehicles, grocery shopping, etc. The only thing she did was cook dinner and that was only when she couldn't convince me to eat out. I swear we ate out 4 times a week or more, just so she didn't have to cook. She felt that a man's place was at home and a woman's place was to work if she wanted, and if she did work, her money was to be spent on whatever she felt like; that it wasn't to be spent on paying the family bills. Want to tell me what a burden she was? I couldn't do anything. I would go and work on her mother's house week after week for over a year (every weekend) fixing and making the place better for her (her mom was rather poor) and she would just disappear shopping or whatever it was she wanted to do. She'd never help, come visit, get me food or anything.

Coming from your wife's side of the story, when my wife suggested that we get divorced, I couldn't accept fast enough. I was glad to be gone and within 10 days of filing, she would never see or hear of me again. I have a new life now. I'm happier and more successful than I could have ever been with her.

I'm sorry to say I can't blame your wife.

I do wish you luck in trying to salvage your marriage. 🙂

 

[SaigonK]

I dont blame her that much either. I think the ones thing I blame her for is breakling up our home/family when she could have done something about it instead of just stewing over our problems for so long. It takes two people to get married, it takes two people to get a divorce, this is just as much her fault as it is mine.

We told our daughters yesterday afternoon about our plans to divorce. They actually took it very well, my youngest (8) wanted to know if I could get a bigger apartment than Mom;s so she could have her own roo. The older one (11) seemed to be more upset, she cried a little over me taking the dvd's, but I think it was a way to announce she wa hurt. It hurt me to say this to my kids, it hurts me to think they are upset. That was the worst part, lying to them until we told them..it felt like a big weight off my shoulders.

I checked the child support tablees her, it looks like I am going to have to pay my wife $212 per week! I guess it is my fault that she has never gotten a decent paying job, she always told me "well this is what I want to do, this is my career" (behavorial science) now she could have gone to another employer and made more $$ but no! that would be against her wishes to what she wants to do, while I have to get a job that pays well and has great insurance so she has this luxury.

Christ, I get paid every wo weeks, that means $424 out of my check, Lets do some quick math:

$930 net
-$424 in support
----------------------------------------
$506 every two weeks so $1012 a month.

$1012 net income
-$650 for an apartment
-$235 for my car
---------------------------------
That leaves me with $127 per month for food for me and my girls, lights, phone, cable, my present bills.
I guess bankruptcy is looking better every day! Christ!

I will be paying for the kids insurance, I am sure I will have to pay for deductibles as well. School plays, all kinds of stuff.
How the hell does the court expect, let alone me, but either of us to make it on that!

I mean her income is like $26k while mine is like $47.
But with that amount of support it would be $10,100 per year! So i go down to $37k and she comes up to $37k Now how the hell is that fair? She wants to make more money because she is getting a divorce? She needs to get off her ass and find a better job then!
Damn i am pissed off right now! :disgust: I am not going to make it on that type of support!

We did seem to agree on more of what the custody would be. She originally suggested that I get them every other weekend, and that I could come visit once or twice a week to put them to bed at her place. How bad is that! She suddenyl gets a boyfriend, then i have to deal with it in front of my kids, or she has to tell him to leave while I am there. or i meet someone and she likes my girls and wants to seem them too.....talk about a damn problem!

Her new plan is:

M T W T F S S
M T W T F S S
M T W T F S S
M T W T F S S

Days in bold would be mine each month, so eight damn days out of each month to see my kids...thats double what she was saying she would do before, but still not enough for me.
I want to do 50%:

M T W T F S S - ME
M T W T F S S - HER
M T W T F S S - ME
M T W T F S S - HER

This would mean allot less bouncing around for the girls, which she says would be better, but she wont agree to this type of schedule.She says they need to be stable, how much more stable could it be than living with each of us for one week? It isnt like a few days where they come with me, I spoil them, or she does then they go back to the other parent who has to deal with it until the next day.

This sucks, i am going to ask my lawyer for shared custody with NO primary household. And if she cant deal with it then she can piss off!!!

 

[conjur]

I don't know how it is in Maine but Kentucky recently modified the child support tables. Instead of basing it purely on disparity in income, they now take into account visitation time and insurance premiums/daycare. With me, the disparity is about 75/25 (I make 3 times what she does) yet with me covering health insurance (thru payroll deductions) and having the girls 50% of the time, I only pay $300/mo.! I couldn't believe it was so low. But, she also has been living w/relatives and has not tried to get a better job. I tried to prove she was capable of making almost double what she is currently making and I guess it had some bearing on the judge's decision, too.

Build up your case for 50/50 visitation (and I'd toss in one night per week maybe you guys swap...so the children don't have to go an entire week w/o seeing one parent or the other). Another thing I got my ex to agree to was once every two weeks, we'd each have just one of the girls. That way, we could spend more time w/them on an individual basis. Works great for me since their interests are so different being one is 16 and the other is 9. 🙂

Hang in there and if you think your lawyer isn't cutting it or isn't aggressive enough, interview others or seek advice from friends/family/legal aid.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: conjur
I don't know how it is in Maine but Kentucky recently modified the child support tables. Instead of basing it purely on disparity in income, they now take into account visitation time and insurance premiums/daycare. With me, the disparity is about 75/25 (I make 3 times what she does) yet with me covering health insurance (thru payroll deductions) and having the girls 50% of the time, I only pay $300/mo.! I couldn't believe it was so low. But, she also has been living w/relatives and has not tried to get a better job. I tried to prove she was capable of making almost double what she is currently making and I guess it had some bearing on the judge's decision, too. Build up your case for 50/50 visitation (and I'd toss in one night per week maybe you guys swap...so the children don't have to go an entire week w/o seeing one parent or the other). Another thing I got my ex to agree to was once every two weeks, we'd each have just one of the girls. That way, we could spend more time w/them on an individual basis. Works great for me since their interests are so different being one is 16 and the other is 9. 🙂 Hang in there and if you think your lawyer isn't cutting it or isn't aggressive enough, interview others or seek advice from friends/family/legal aid.

I can try and get a defference on the child support, but I am not sure how much it might be. She asked me if my concern was about the money, i told her that it was more about my kids being able to have things when they were with me AND her, she insits that i am bitching about the money.
She also said if I try and put in for the deference she will fight the custody arrangemenrs we have already talked about. It is going to get ugly i bet.For some reason she thinks she has the upper hand or that she is going to "win" (and I use that term loosely since no one wins in a divorce) the whole shebang.

 

[conjur]

Let her fight...once she starts seeing huge lawyer bills she'll probably back off. Oh, and be sure you fight to NOT have to pay her lawyer bills...esp. related to anything she contests!

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: conjur
Let her fight...once she starts seeing huge lawyer bills she'll probably back off. Oh, and be sure you fight to NOT have to pay her lawyer bills...esp. related to anything she contests!

The hard part is that I do not want to leave her broke or hurting for money. Then my kids will suffer. I want her to be able to take care of them and buy them or bring them to all the things they want. Of course the issue is should I suffer for her need to change her life? I don't think so.
I do find myself more and more curious about where she goes and what she does, but I am also finding myself being very sympathetic to her after we told the kids, more like I want to be sure she will be ok, wether we are togethor or not.

After all, I was with her for years on end and I do love her, if not as my wife then as my best friend. Of course she may not be my friend after all this happens, but I can be good to her while I can and let her decide what she wants for the future.

 

[SaigonK]

Well...she must be mad or confused because I am being so nice to her now. She probably thinks or thought I was going to try and reconcile again, no such luck!
I asked her if she would come with me to help find some houseware stuff, since I basically suck at these types of things. I am always falling for "a bigger price tag must mean it's better".

She said no, that she did not want to go with me, she said:
"you should have your sisiter or your mother go with you...we may not be getting along, since I am here this is all awkward until I leave".

One thing that sucks is that I have to go out of town on Dec. 12 until the 15th. I am hoping she doesnt try to change the locks on the apartment while I am gone, or try to pack my stuff either. What a crappy time to have to go away, i need to be here to make sure things are not getting out of hand.

I am going to demand (after talking to my lawyer of course) that I have the kids 50% of the time while we work through the divorce. She basically cannot refuse since we are still married and are not even seperated at this time.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

Christ, I get paid every wo weeks, that means $424 out of my check, Lets do some quick math:

$930 net
-$424 in support
----------------------------------------
$506 every two weeks so $1012 a month.

$1012 net income
-$650 for an apartment
-$235 for my car
---------------------------------
That leaves me with $127 per month for food for me and my girls, lights, phone, cable, my present bills.
I guess bankruptcy is looking better every day! Christ!

I mean her income is like $26k while mine is like $47.
But with that amount of support it would be $10,100 per year! So i go down to $37k and she comes up to $37k Now how the hell is that fair? She wants to make more money because she is getting a divorce? She needs to get off her ass and find a better job then!

How does 930 net every two weeks add up to $47k a year? Do you have a savings plan? That isn't really the same as saying you are only left with 127 per month.....based on my math even at 20% in taxes you are hitting $15k+ into savings or investments/401K/insurances....if you are paying insurance for the kiddies that will come off you 'montly'.

Å

 

[MooseKnuckle]

SaigonK,
I just read the entire thread...WOW. Stop talking to the wife about separation, let the lawyers fight it out. Keep your chin up... Good luck, best wishes to you and your kids.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: SaigonK Christ, I get paid every wo weeks, that means $424 out of my check, Lets do some quick math: $930 net -$424 in support ---------------------------------------- $506 every two weeks so $1012 a month. $1012 net income -$650 for an apartment -$235 for my car --------------------------------- That leaves me with $127 per month for food for me and my girls, lights, phone, cable, my present bills. I guess bankruptcy is looking better every day! Christ! I mean her income is like $26k while mine is like $47. But with that amount of support it would be $10,100 per year! So i go down to $37k and she comes up to $37k Now how the hell is that fair? She wants to make more money because she is getting a divorce? She needs to get off her ass and find a better job then!

How does 930 net every two weeks add up to $47k a year? Do you have a savings plan? That isn't really the same as saying you are only left with 127 per month.....based on my math even at 20% in taxes you are hitting $15k+ into savings or investments/401K/insurances....if you are paying insurance for the kiddies that will come off you 'montly'. Å

I pay for my auto insurance right out of my check, I have a 401k that i put $100 into each paycycle, health insurance is 90 per cycle, then LTD and STD (long term /short term disbaility)

Here is a break down for you:

Gross over two weeks:
$1816.69 pay
$354.85 in taxes
------------------------
$1461.84
$81.46 Health
$10.86 Dental
-----------------------
$1369.52
$0.77 for life insurnace (basic)
$4.36 - Opt Life (5x my pay is the payout - completely worth it)
$3.23 - Spouse Life insurance (Guess i get that $3.23 back)
$3.27 - Accidental Death and Dismemberment Insurance.
$1.15 Child Life Insurance
$9.05 - Short Term Disability insurance
$5.63 - Long term disability insurance
$109 - 401k contribution
------------------------------------------
$1233.06
$77.83 - Auto/Renters Insurance (this should come down by about 40-50% once my wife goes off mine and gets her own)
$65.31 - 401k Loan we took to pay some bills - (I still owe like $800 on this)
$57.32 - Long Term Care policy (This covers if my family needs a nurse or on site healthcare - My youngest daughter has Turners Syndrome, I thought it would be good to have JIC.)
$10.00 - United Way Charity
----------------------------------------------
$1022.60
$100 - Each pay cycle I have $100 deposited to a bank account in Florida, we lived there for a few years and we got a credit card with like $5300 on it - I use this to pay it off each month.
----------------------
$922.60

There you have it. Pretty damn messed up if you ask me.
With some number moving I can get some cash back each month:

$114.64 per month if i drop LTC, I dont think I really need it. I was just being over cautious.
$150 per month if I lower my 401k contribution to like 1-2% - Yeah it would suck but it would not be forever.
$6.46 since she wont need me to cover her with life insurance anymore
$70 once she gets off my car insurance.
--------------------------------------------
That means $341 i get back...seeing as how my monthly bills that I was trying to knock down before we decided to split are $385 that woudl help a ton, but just not enough!
God forbid I need to pay some other damn bill or the kids go to the doctors and I need to come up with a deductible! Sheesh!

I get to give up over $10,000 a year to her, she could go work at the state department and make $5k more each year, but..no..that would not ber her dream job.
And why get something better when you can have your EX pay for your stuff and you get a 10k bump.

One thing she doesnt realize, she is going to finish her Masters degree, when she does she gets an automatic bump at work to like $30k, it isnt allot but at that time we will be redoing the support model. That is if I do not get 50% of the time with the kids.

 

[conjur]

Your name is on the lease, right? Your renting at a complex? She cannot change the locks. Only the apt. management can do that for you.

And, if your name is on the lease, even if she did, they'd have to supply you a key.

Take pictures of EVERYTHING before you leave, though, and make note of things that you can't photograph (drawer contents and such)

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: conjur
Your name is on the lease, right? Your renting at a complex? She cannot change the locks. Only the apt. management can do that for you. And, if your name is on the lease, even if she did, they'd have to supply you a key. Take pictures of EVERYTHING before you leave, though, and make note of things that you can't photograph (drawer contents and such)

We dont have a lease, at least i never signed one. The guy lives downstairs and he comes to get the rent on the first of each month. I have been paying him with a check with just my name on it for ages now.

EDIT:

Just checked in Money, I have been paying for the rent since the end of 2000, so about 3 years of me writing him a check each month.
Also, we do our daycare under the table, no taxes for them, but it keep sit really cheap for us, I wonder how that affects things.

 

[MooseKnuckle]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

$100 - Each pay cycle I have $100 deposited to a bank account in Florida, we lived there for a few years and we got a credit card with like $5300 on it - I use this to pay it off each month.

Well, you can cut that in half, she's gets half of both...

 

[conjur]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

Originally posted by: conjur
Your name is on the lease, right? Your renting at a complex? She cannot change the locks. Only the apt. management can do that for you. And, if your name is on the lease, even if she did, they'd have to supply you a key. Take pictures of EVERYTHING before you leave, though, and make note of things that you can't photograph (drawer contents and such)

We dont have a lease, at least i never signed one. The guy lives downstairs and he comes to get the rent on the first of each month. I have been paying him with a check with just my name on it for ages now.

EDIT:

Just checked in Money, I have been paying for the rent since the end of 2000, so about 3 years of me writing him a check each month.
Also, we do our daycare under the table, no taxes for them, but it keep sit really cheap for us, I wonder how that affects things.

Definitely run it by your lawyer...both of those points.

Does he have email? Email him those as questions. Mine charged much less for answering an email than he did for a 15-30 min. phone call.