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Getting a divorce...feeling depressed. - Now I am selling the 3-Stone ring i bought her!
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SaigonK
Diamond Member
You are right, I probably did ignore what was wrong for a long time, honestly i just didnt think it was that bad.
Last night when we talked, she said that I am changing because I am backed in a corner, and that after all this time I cant just change overnight.
I disagree, I told her that i had not changed for her and that was my fault, but that my kids did not have the same fate as our relationship, that I am there for and always have been there...for them.
I have told her that a divorce wont make anyones life easier, that she seems to be changin her life on all fronts, not just in our marriage. She doesnt want to hear this, she thinks I am full of crap. She lost a bunch of weight, she is going to finish her Masters degree, she now wants a divorce..what else!
I dont want anyone here to think that i am one sided, i know I have done things wrong, but if you love someone you try and work through them, you try as hard as you can. you dont stay just for the kids, that is ridiculous. I know how it was for my mother and I cant agree with staying just to have the appearance of a fmaily, that just makes the fighting and despise worse than ever.
One a emotional note: I need her in my life, I love her, she is the most beautiful woman I know, I dont just say that, I feel it. These things wont change the fact that she is leaving. I know it is for good, I dont think she would change her mind at this point in time no matter what I tried to do, she has made it very clear.
She has been my very best friend for years, i had a childhood best friend, then i realized that my wife was my true bext friend and companion. I dont know how I will talk to her about my family (sisters, parents everyday stuff) my work, another girl if i ever meet one. It just wont be the same anymore.
Last night when we talked, she said that I am changing because I am backed in a corner, and that after all this time I cant just change overnight.
I disagree, I told her that i had not changed for her and that was my fault, but that my kids did not have the same fate as our relationship, that I am there for and always have been there...for them.
I have told her that a divorce wont make anyones life easier, that she seems to be changin her life on all fronts, not just in our marriage. She doesnt want to hear this, she thinks I am full of crap. She lost a bunch of weight, she is going to finish her Masters degree, she now wants a divorce..what else!
I dont want anyone here to think that i am one sided, i know I have done things wrong, but if you love someone you try and work through them, you try as hard as you can. you dont stay just for the kids, that is ridiculous. I know how it was for my mother and I cant agree with staying just to have the appearance of a fmaily, that just makes the fighting and despise worse than ever.
One a emotional note: I need her in my life, I love her, she is the most beautiful woman I know, I dont just say that, I feel it. These things wont change the fact that she is leaving. I know it is for good, I dont think she would change her mind at this point in time no matter what I tried to do, she has made it very clear.
She has been my very best friend for years, i had a childhood best friend, then i realized that my wife was my true bext friend and companion. I dont know how I will talk to her about my family (sisters, parents everyday stuff) my work, another girl if i ever meet one. It just wont be the same anymore.
alkemyst
No Lifer
I am not going to defend the other posters that claim their wife's wanted counselling to justify their affairs...I have heard that soooooo many times...it's always some guy not making his wife his priority. Now before you get all WTF do you know...let me add I was married 4.5 years (young yes), but we were in love and everyone around us always had fun and thought we were the perfect couple....we'd 'disappear' many times at functions and then come back smiling. Then one day someone ran into her and it broke her neck....almost a year in the hospital and two painful and invasive surgeries leaving her scarred and she just snapped...she changed. No longer did people have fun around us and everyone avoided her...it was a mess, so we divorced.
It's a little hard here to assume what really happened in Saigon's house...the trick is to ask the questions of him first and then throw crap if it's justified.
Å
It's a little hard here to assume what really happened in Saigon's house...the trick is to ask the questions of him first and then throw crap if it's justified.
Å
SaigonK
Diamond Member
my life is not perfect, I wont claim it is. I think that now I need to work on moving along with my life, forgetting her and what has happended to us. Concentrate on my girls and try to find happiness alone or somewhere else. I dont want to get re-married again, it would scare the cap out of me that this might happen twice in my lifetime.
She wants me to have the girls on such a short time schedule, I cant accept that. I feel that this is going to come down to a bitter fight over custody.
I would see my kids every other Friday night, Saturday (all day), Sunday (all day) and then Monday morning off to school. Then a visit to her apartment once or twice a week?
That is only 4 full days a month to spend with my girls, that is not acceptable to me. But she feels strongly and so do i so you know it will be a pissing match over who gets them.
It isnt about child support or money for me, its about being a father to my daughters. If I need to pay her $300 a week to see my girls as much as possible then so be it!
What happens when my wife finds someone new? How well is a visit during the wekday going to work for us all? What happens if I find someone new? how is that going to work out for me and my kids and my wife?
Dude...don't even concern yourself with thinking of remarrying. You have a struggle ahead with the divorce and then working with the feelings of being alone once you leave or she moves out when the divorce is final. Don't think too much and don't worry too much about the future. Concentrate on getting yourself thru the divorce and with as much of an upper hand as you can. And, of course, keep showing your kids how much you love them by spending time with them.
Then definitely stick to your guns and show the judge why you think it will work, despite the objections of your ex.
1) It will hurt like hell! No way to sugar coat that one. Esp. if it happens soon.
2) If you visit at her place to see the kids? Uhhh...bad....very bad idea. That will lead to BIG problems down the road.
3) Great!
4) It *will* work out. You're stressing yourself and worrying too much right now. You want an answer to a question and you just can't get that answer and it's scaring you. That's normal. But, you have to work on not worrying about it so much.
Just keep your routine as much as you can and you'll get thru it!
SaigonK
Diamond Member
Thanks for the insight, I am trying to keep my head up but it's tough. I am sure many people know what i am feeling right now.
Sometimes i just want to sit down, bury my head in my hands and cry until i cant anymore...then i want to do it again. I am working hard to keep up the happiness appearance for my children, they shouldnt see me this way, they will ask questions and I wont have an answer for them yet. My wife wants to wait to tell them that we are getting divorced, she wants to wait until I am ready to move into a new aprtment, that way they dont ask "when is Daddy moving out?" etc.
DurocShark
Lifer
<---Grabs a beer and some popcorn. 😛
NWRMidnight
Diamond Member
I only read about 2/3 of all the replies, so some of what I have to say may already have been said. If so, sorry for the repeat.
Anyhow, as someone already suggested, research your lawyer. When I went thru my divorce, I just got me a lawyer, and learned he was the biggest wimp in town, would not stand up for my rights, and let my ex and her lawyer walk all over me. It was a nasty divorce resulting in me not seeing, and not knowing where my daughter was for over 4 years. This was over 12 years ago, and we are now friends, once all the hard feelings and such got worked out.
One thing we learned thru the discussions the 12 years later, is we both had no clue on what the other person felt or was thinking, we assumed. Communication is the key to solving the problems, but you need to be 100 percent honest during the communication process, or it is workthless.
Also, no matter what your heart says (ie, she would never screw me over, she would never keep me from my kids, etc) follow the path of most resistence. What I mean is make sure, even if you believe you don't have to, you have all your rights covered, custody, visitation, allamony, etc. Love can blind you from seeing that the person is capable of screwing you over, and most likely will try. But on the same note, don't hold it against her, just because she is asking for the divorce, don't assume it is not hurting her, and causing her to do things out of anger/hurt, because it is causing her just as much heart ache. During these times, people are easily influence by friends and family, so some of her actions may be tied to what she is being told.
Now, as for you moving out, DO NOT DO IT! Let her know that you are staying, and she can leave when ever she is ready to do so. She may take the kids, and as much as you want to fight with her about it, don't, it will not do you or the kids any good. Get a good lawyer and get the kids, and or what ever custody arangment you desire taken care of in the court, not in front of the kids. The reason I say don't move out, is if you do, in some states, it can be used against you, such as makig it appear that you abbandoned your wife and kids, which if that is implied will hinder custody and visitation rights. You may also want to go file a tempoary custody order as soon as possible to protect your rights.
Another person told you to document everything. They are 100 percent correct. Document every conversation, no matter how small it may seem to you, everything you do with your kids, how she treats the kids, every little thing (even if you think she would never do anything to keep you from them). It may seem a waste of time, but when it comes down to it, it may save your butt and protect your relationship, and custody with your kids.
This is only a small quick list of suggestions. I wish you luck, and I've seen couples go there seperate ways, but come back together years down the road, so all hope is never lost.
Daniel
Anyhow, as someone already suggested, research your lawyer. When I went thru my divorce, I just got me a lawyer, and learned he was the biggest wimp in town, would not stand up for my rights, and let my ex and her lawyer walk all over me. It was a nasty divorce resulting in me not seeing, and not knowing where my daughter was for over 4 years. This was over 12 years ago, and we are now friends, once all the hard feelings and such got worked out.
One thing we learned thru the discussions the 12 years later, is we both had no clue on what the other person felt or was thinking, we assumed. Communication is the key to solving the problems, but you need to be 100 percent honest during the communication process, or it is workthless.
Also, no matter what your heart says (ie, she would never screw me over, she would never keep me from my kids, etc) follow the path of most resistence. What I mean is make sure, even if you believe you don't have to, you have all your rights covered, custody, visitation, allamony, etc. Love can blind you from seeing that the person is capable of screwing you over, and most likely will try. But on the same note, don't hold it against her, just because she is asking for the divorce, don't assume it is not hurting her, and causing her to do things out of anger/hurt, because it is causing her just as much heart ache. During these times, people are easily influence by friends and family, so some of her actions may be tied to what she is being told.
Now, as for you moving out, DO NOT DO IT! Let her know that you are staying, and she can leave when ever she is ready to do so. She may take the kids, and as much as you want to fight with her about it, don't, it will not do you or the kids any good. Get a good lawyer and get the kids, and or what ever custody arangment you desire taken care of in the court, not in front of the kids. The reason I say don't move out, is if you do, in some states, it can be used against you, such as makig it appear that you abbandoned your wife and kids, which if that is implied will hinder custody and visitation rights. You may also want to go file a tempoary custody order as soon as possible to protect your rights.
Another person told you to document everything. They are 100 percent correct. Document every conversation, no matter how small it may seem to you, everything you do with your kids, how she treats the kids, every little thing (even if you think she would never do anything to keep you from them). It may seem a waste of time, but when it comes down to it, it may save your butt and protect your relationship, and custody with your kids.
This is only a small quick list of suggestions. I wish you luck, and I've seen couples go there seperate ways, but come back together years down the road, so all hope is never lost.
Daniel
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Btw,where did I say every problem is a man's fault or that all men are evil?
Funny,I don't see you castigating all the guys that think this guy's wife is already gobbling another guy's cock,why is that do you think? Could it be perhaps because you dislike me?
Bottom line there's been a lot of "knee jerk judgements" made in this thread and the OP sure isn't exactly forthcoming as to exactly why his wife wants out.
SaigonK
Diamond Member
So you have asked and I have told you but I guess you didnt read it correctly.
Why is my wife leaving?
A. She says that after 14 years of being togethor I am not the person she thought I was, i am somebody different.
B. She feels that i have not helped her in everyway that i could have in the past, and that now I am changing to save my marriage.
C. She has always "taken care" of me and she feels that it has been a burden.
She may be right on allot of things, but leaving and jumping into a divorce to solve our problems is wrong in my opinion. It is her option though, she will do what her heart tells her to do.
Do I think my wife is seeing another man? No, despite all the horror stories and past hsitory for other pople my wife is honest as the day is long, she would have made me move out long ago if she was in love with or seeing someone else. I believe it, if I find out different then my opinion of her will change, but not until then. And if it does happen then so what? Does it change anything? Will it make me feel differently?
It will change my opinion of her, I will be mad of course, but it wont affect how I feel about my kids. They have agreat mother, she is kind and does the right thing even when some would take a lesser course. I would like to think (niave to the end) she will do what it right. She came from a home where her mother did not let her see much of her father, where her mother talked donw about him and made him into an oaf. She despises her mother for that and i think she doesnt want that for her children.
Why is my wife leaving?
A. She says that after 14 years of being togethor I am not the person she thought I was, i am somebody different.
B. She feels that i have not helped her in everyway that i could have in the past, and that now I am changing to save my marriage.
C. She has always "taken care" of me and she feels that it has been a burden.
She may be right on allot of things, but leaving and jumping into a divorce to solve our problems is wrong in my opinion. It is her option though, she will do what her heart tells her to do.
Do I think my wife is seeing another man? No, despite all the horror stories and past hsitory for other pople my wife is honest as the day is long, she would have made me move out long ago if she was in love with or seeing someone else. I believe it, if I find out different then my opinion of her will change, but not until then. And if it does happen then so what? Does it change anything? Will it make me feel differently?
It will change my opinion of her, I will be mad of course, but it wont affect how I feel about my kids. They have agreat mother, she is kind and does the right thing even when some would take a lesser course. I would like to think (niave to the end) she will do what it right. She came from a home where her mother did not let her see much of her father, where her mother talked donw about him and made him into an oaf. She despises her mother for that and i think she doesnt want that for her children.
I can't honestly say that you're my favorite person here.😉
I just don't understand how you can sympathisize with a woman breaking up a family with small children when it doesn't appear that she is being abused, mistreated, or cheated on and the man loves her and is willing to go to counselling.
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Lol,yeah I figured that out,a middle aged broad who won't be put in place by you,upsetting isn't it?
By his own admission,he wasn't willing to go till she was packing.As for how well she's being treated obviously the only opinion on that that counts is hers,she's the one who's gotta live with him,not us.
Lol,yeah I figured that out,a middle aged broad who won't be put in place by you,upsetting isn't it?
By his own admission,he wasn't willing to go till she was packing.As for how well she's being treated obviously the only opinion on that that counts is hers,she's the one who's gotta live with him,not us.[/quote]
So, he went didn't he? A lot of people have a problem with going for counseling and even though it wasn't in his nature to go, he did it anyway to try to save his marriage. And she gave it what, 3 weeks? If she wasn't willing to give it an honest effort, why bother?
I haven't heard you mention the kids. So, breaking up a family with small kids because you're not in a constant state of bliss doesn't bother you?
Is that what you did?
By his own admission,he wasn't willing to go till she was packing.As for how well she's being treated obviously the only opinion on that that counts is hers,she's the one who's gotta live with him,not us.[/quote]
So, he went didn't he? A lot of people have a problem with going for counseling and even though it wasn't in his nature to go, he did it anyway to try to save his marriage. And she gave it what, 3 weeks? If she wasn't willing to give it an honest effort, why bother?
I haven't heard you mention the kids. So, breaking up a family with small kids because you're not in a constant state of bliss doesn't bother you?
Is that what you did?
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
No truthfully it doesn't bother me,it beats being raised in a home with two people who can't stand each other.Been there,done that as a kid and it wasn't fun.As to the OP,I believe he stated that she felt that she'd been his caretaker for years and that it was a burden she couldn't carry anymore,that's a long way from being unhappy that you're not in a constant state of bliss.
As to my divorce what good would dignifying your question with an answer do?you'd just find a way to make me guilty anyway.
Well, welcome to the real world. So if you're life doesn't model Ozzie and Harriet (or whatever your ideal is), you should just pack it in? I believe that most studies show that kids do better in a two parent hosehold, even if it 's less than perfect, than being raised by a single parent.
Yeah, I probably would make you feel guilty. I believe in toughing it out and making the best situation for the children (unless there's abuse or infidelity involved), and you apparently don't.
Has it ocurred you that we don't like each because we just have radically different views about life?
Dude, so sorry to hear that. Divorce wreaks havoc on all it touches. Your friends will choose sides and your kids will endure various levels of trauma. You yourself will be in more pain as time goes on. It's not easy but it can be done. Get counseling if you need it, seek a support group for dads going through the same thing.
Again, sorry for your pain,
Gravity
Again, sorry for your pain,
Gravity
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
My reasons for divorce were serious and covered by traditional grounds so I doubt anything you'd say would make me feel bad.
I think we only get one life and that it's far too short to spend it "toughing it out."I was raised by two people who couldn't stand each other and that spilled over onto us bigtime,when they finally divorced it was a relief.My only regret about my own divorce is that I didn't seek one years sooner.
DurocShark
Lifer
Thanks, Riprorin, for killing the quote monster... :beer:
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