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Getting a divorce...feeling depressed. - Now I am selling the 3-Stone ring i bought her!

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I am trying to get my wife to sit down and talk, but the more I ask the more she seems to be pissed at me for doing it.
I know I will ask her to try to work it out...but she really has her mind made up. She even suggested how we should do Xmas for this year, that we should do it here in the apartment, regardless of wether I am living somewhere else or not, she said it would be harder oin the kids.

I told her that I will be here in this aprtment during Xmas, and that i am not moving out right yet. She said that she knows some landlords who are respectable, and that i should start looking. But i told her (i talked to a lawyer) that i was instructed to not move out or look for an apartment until i heard from them.

She seemed pissed about that, as if that if I left the house things would move along quicker. I really think she feels we can have this done in a short time.
Maine has a 60 day mandatory waiting period to finalize a divorce, and if you have kids like we do the court makes you go to mediation ether you want to or not. Sort of a way to get us to work out our issues about bills, the girls, etc. prior to going to court.
 
It does sound like she has made up her mind. I think the best you can do at this point is try to be civil, but don't get walked all over either.

Hang in there.
 
Originally posted by: SaigonK
Originally posted by: jjsole
Sorry to hear that SaigonK. 🙁🙁 How long have you been married? Why does she want a divorce?
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We have been married for 10 years as of this July 10th.

She stated to me that I am not the person she thought I was when she met me, she is probably right. To answer some statements by Morph, I agree with you that i am part of the problem.
But she is 50% responsible too, rather than say she was unhappy she just let it fester and get out of control. Should I have noticeD? Probably, did I notice? Apparently not enough.

My wife wants sole custody with me having visitation rights, that is unacceptable to me. I want Joint custody from day one. The hard part is that we are still living togethor. How do i leave without settling the issues of child care? I dont want to walk out and then get my kids once every weekend or every other weekend. That isn't fair to them, her or me. But she only sees it her way and not mine.

She did get a lawyer and she handed me a copy of the letter they will probably send me soon, it states that she wants to avoid court and try and work things out on our own.
As someone said before (i cant remember who) our material possessions are not an issue, I could care less about my cars, furniture, etc. I can buy new ones if i need to, the girls are what I need to have in my life.

Rehasing why we got divorced isn't what i want to do, i dont want to rake over every detail, hell i am having a hard time as it is, why dwell too much on it.
I am hurt, and I want to move on to a less painful time.
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DON'T LEAVE. I hope you have a Lawyer. I'm sure your attorney would advise you on whether to leave or not.
 
It's happened again. I read these threads then go to reply and think I'm just logging in and I hit return and it leaves this post with nothing in it. Had decided not to post but now I have to, I reckon.

Sorry to hear of your situation and if my wife told me I needed to find a new place I'd have to tell her to kiss my ass right in the crack.
 
It was her 10th anniversary gift..we went away to celebrate our anniversary in Bar Harbor, no kids, another couple came with us, I arranged for a Justice of the Peace to renew our vows, she suspected nothing. She was ecstaic (go figure) and then I gave her the ring. She cried like crazy. She had a new one made for me as well and gave it to me later during dinner.

So now I need to get rid of it for two reasons.

1. The memory of it stings...
2. The money for my lawyer.
 
Originally posted by: MisterJackson
My point is, do not let her walk all over you. Once the divorce starts the gloves come off. Your wife is going to do some nasty things that you won't believe she's capable of, be prepared, there are no exceptions.
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This guy knows his sh!t. My mother was the most passive woman I ever knew. I don't know who filled her head with crazy ideas or whether it was her lawyer who influenced her. I read the settlement between my parents and I was outraged reading some of my mother's claims and demands. I would have never thought this stuff came from her. Point is, the lawyer is trying to win your wife's case and will push her to make outrageous claims etc... Be prepared and expect the worst. Sorry for the bleak outlook but this is no time for anyone's head to be in the clouds hoping for a "amicable" settlement. Money is at stake here. If I were you I would move some of your assets before she formally serves you with papers and once that happens your assets are going to be scutinized by the court and no longer can you dispose/move them. I helped my father out this way and even paid income tax on the assets he transferred to me just so my mother wouldn't take them from him. Good luck SK.
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Originally posted by: NetWareHead
Originally posted by: MisterJackson
My point is, do not let her walk all over you. Once the divorce starts the gloves come off. Your wife is going to do some nasty things that you won't believe she's capable of, be prepared, there are no exceptions.
Click to expand...
This guy knows his sh!t. My mother was the most passive woman I ever knew. I don't know who filled her head with crazy ideas or whether it was her lawyer who influenced her. I read the settlement between my parents and I was outraged reading some of my mother's claims and demands. I would have never thought this stuff came from her. Point is, the lawyer is trying to win your wife's case and will push her to make outrageous claims etc... Be prepared and expect the worst. Sorry for the bleak outlook but this is no time for anyone's head to be in the clouds hoping for a "amicable" settlement. Money is at stake here. If I were you I would move some of your assets before she formally serves you with papers and once that happens your assets are going to be scutinized by the court and no longer can you dispose/move them. I helped my father out this way and even paid income tax on the assets he transferred to me just so my mother wouldn't take them from him. Good luck SK.
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I had some stock that I got from my employer that i just sold off, and my bank account will be "empty" in about 2 - 3 days.
She has a 401k and some options herself, so she said she doesnt want mine if i dont want hers. To be honest i really do not want her stuff and she doesnt seem to want mine (for now).
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Originally posted by: SaigonK
It was her 10th anniversary gift..we went away to celebrate our anniversary in Bar Harbor, no kids, another couple came with us, I arranged for a Justice of the Peace to renew our vows, she suspected nothing. She was ecstaic (go figure) and then I gave her the ring. She cried like crazy. She had a new one made for me as well and gave it to me later during dinner.

So now I need to get rid of it for two reasons.

1. The memory of it stings...
2. The money for my lawyer.
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and she gave u back the ring so u can sell it??
 
Originally posted by: JEDI
Originally posted by: SaigonK It was her 10th anniversary gift..we went away to celebrate our anniversary in Bar Harbor, no kids, another couple came with us, I arranged for a Justice of the Peace to renew our vows, she suspected nothing. She was ecstaic (go figure) and then I gave her the ring. She cried like crazy. She had a new one made for me as well and gave it to me later during dinner. So now I need to get rid of it for two reasons. 1. The memory of it stings... 2. The money for my lawyer.
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and she gave u back the ring so u can sell it??
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Yup, I told her we could split the money we made on it down the middle, she didnt want to give it back to me at all until I suggested that.
It sucks that i had to stoop down to that level to get the damn thing back...i bought it...i saved my money every damn week...i surprised her.....I paid for everything...
It isnt about the damn money though...it's about the fact that i dont want it around..i cant stand to look at it thinking i bought it for our 10 year anniversary and that she wants me gone....it is a reminder of what we used to be, and what we could or should have been...hell...maybe I will have it melted down into a pair of diamond earrings for my cat or something......
 
Originally posted by: SaigonK

She seemed pissed about that, as if that if I left the house things would move along quicker. I really think she feels we can have this done in a short time.
Maine has a 60 day mandatory waiting period to finalize a divorce, and if you have kids like we do the court makes you go to mediation ether you want to or not. Sort of a way to get us to work out our issues about bills, the girls, etc. prior to going to court.
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$20 she wants a new man in her life over to the apt. and with you there, it makes it hard on her. Had to say it but there's a good chance of it.
 
Very sad situation. If I were you I would follow the advice of the guys telling you to preserve your assets. In fact, I would start by cancelling all credit cards and mutually accessable bank accounts. You may think she will be fair or cool about it but believe me, she will take every dime you have if you let her.

Also, and this is VERY important because your kids are so important to you, do not let her bully you into letting her have custody of your kids. Don't give an inch on this or you will regret it forever. You have just as much right to your children as she does.

I will offer one other last little bit of advice. Hire a private detective... find out if she has a boyfriend/girlfriend/lover on the side... could make a big difference when it comes time to award custody.

Good luck.
 
It is sad to see what a relationship can turn into. :/

Best of luck to you. Remember to fight the good fight and to keep your head up.
 
Originally posted by: Staley8
Originally posted by: SaigonK
So my wife and i have been going through some troubles, about a 2 months ago she comes to me and says that we should go to counseling.
I put up a fight (mainly because I don't believe in them) but I finally agreed to go, she came back to me about 3 weeks ago saying "nevermind, I dont want to go any more..i dont want to be with you anymore..i want a divorce" I was shocked of course.

I ended up making the appointment, and she agreed to go. Of course i felt from day one that she didnt want to be there and that she was just waiting to spring the disaster on me.
Well sure enough she did, she wrote down on the "what do you want form the cousnelgin" sheet that she wanted to split up and go our seperate ways. 🙁

I gotta say i am crushed, I have and probably always will love her, she was the one person for me.
The bad part is we have two lovely girls and the custody thing will be ugly....
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I think you should work on a a little more for one major reason...actually 2 reasons. I could care less about two adults splitting up b/c they have a choice (for the most part anyway). But for the children to be caught in an ugly cutody battle makes me extremly sad (no I don't have kids). Hang in there man and see if you can work something out. If it's too late for that please don't let either side use the kids for leverage.
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How about no. You can't stay together for the kids. BAD IDEA, trust me. My folks tried it for a while, made things worse.

NEVER DO IT
 
Originally posted by: conjur
Originally posted by: SaigonK She seemed pissed about that, as if that if I left the house things would move along quicker. I really think she feels we can have this done in a short time. Maine has a 60 day mandatory waiting period to finalize a divorce, and if you have kids like we do the court makes you go to mediation ether you want to or not. Sort of a way to get us to work out our issues about bills, the girls, etc. prior to going to court.
Click to expand...
$20 she wants a new man in her life over to the apt. and with you there, it makes it hard on her. Had to say it but there's a good chance of it.
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She says there is no one else, she has alawys been of the thought that if there was someone else then she would tell me. I have asked around allot, no one else thinks that either, and I
did some research (snooping I guess) myself to see if I could find anything.

The typical stuff, caller id here at the house, her email, sent and deleted stuff from her inbox., cell phone bill. I reviewed it and crosss checked every single number in it, nothing.
I have a feeling there might be someone else, but her best friend has assued me that there isn't. When i brought it up to her she said "god no, Wendy would never do that!" not much assurance, but I do know that my wife is honest and that she will probably tell me sooner or later.


To be frank, we both dont have allot of free time. She goes to work every day, then picks up the kids by 5:00pm and the comes home. She goes to school on Tuesday and Wendsay ight, but I have followed up on those two sscenarions as well, and nothing is happening there either.

I am not niave, if something is going on, it is of course in her best interest NOT to tell me about it, I probably would freak out.


Last night we tried to discuss our options, of course money and bills were no problem. She agreed to whatever I asked (pretty much you keep your stuff and I will keep mine), I am also getting some of the furniture form the apartment so that i have things to start with when i do leave. She is ok with me getting them so that i dont have to buy new ones so that I can buy new beds for the girls in my new place, that is more of a concern for her than who keeps the bureau/bed/.etc.

When it came to the kids, I said "you want sole custody dont you" she got mad and said they do not give sole custody anymore (at least in maine) unless you are a drug addict, drunk, etc. Which she kindly pointed out that I am not. She saidf that the kids need stability and that they would be better with her...that i should get the kids every other weekend (Friday night, Saturday, Sunday and then bring them to school on Monday) that i could also come to the house two days a week to play with them, school work, put them to bed. She said there is no way she would agree to me having them one week and her having them the next week.

I also told her that I would fight until the end of time if we could not work this out and that I was not mving out until we worked it out, She got pissed and said that she didnt want me to be here for months on end dragging my feet. She said "if you want to fight it then all the dirty laundry comes out" she said "I will tell your family everyting, how this is all your fault!" I told her that what would she say that they dotn already know? That I have been telling my family that it IS all my fault, so it would be no surprise to them. She was abit flabbergastered by that staement and got really pissed.

I can take her in court if it comes down to money, but I just dont know if I want to do that to my kids and to her...and to myself.
She also said that during the summer, we could do the I have them one week and she has them the next, and that school vacations could be mine. Except for Xmas of course which we would share.


This all sucks, I hate even thinking baout it, she doesnt eve seem to be affected by this whole thing any more, that it doesnt bother her. I feel like I am still trying to reconcile and she is trying to get me out of her life.







 
I've been on both sides of this fence.

I'm the child of a divorce (I was 6). Haven't seen my dad since then. Grew up on welfare with a mom who would hook up with abusive men. :| I don't know how many times I saw her get the sh!t beat out of her. 🙁

As a somewhat well-adjusted adult, I married my wife at 20. Twice her cheating has pushed us to separation. Twice I've taken her back, after some deep discussions about what I'm doing/not doing to make cheating a viable option to her and about her lack of restraint and lack of communication. Both times we've grown and learned, and just had our 14th anniversary.

No relationship is perfect. We each bring our prejudices and flaws to the table. The challenge is to work through the problems successfully. Each mountain you scale makes your relationship that much stronger.

SaigonK: It sounds like your soon-to-be-ex has decided she doesn't want to climb any more mountains. It sure is easy to just say "Forget It!" But I think that whatever it is that she's seeing on the other side of divorce will turn out to be nowhere near as nice as she thought. In a year or two she'll be asking you to movies and such. 🙁 Your call if you want to trust her again.
 
Originally posted by: DurocShark
I've been on both sides of this fence. I'm the child of a divorce (I was 6). Haven't seen my dad since then. Grew up on welfare with a mom who would hook up with abusive men. :| I don't know how many times I saw her get the sh!t beat out of her. 🙁 As a somewhat well-adjusted adult, I married my wife at 20. Twice her cheating has pushed us to separation. Twice I've taken her back, after some deep discussions about what I'm doing/not doing to make cheating a viable option to her and about her lack of restraint and lack of communication. Both times we've grown and learned, and just had our 14th anniversary. No relationship is perfect. We each bring our prejudices and flaws to the table. The challenge is to work through the problems successfully. Each mountain you scale makes your relationship that much stronger. SaigonK: It sounds like your soon-to-be-ex has decided she doesn't want to climb any more mountains. It sure is easy to just say "Forget It!" But I think that whatever it is that she's seeing on the other side of divorce will turn out to be nowhere near as nice as she thought. In a year or two she'll be asking you to movies and such. 🙁 Your call if you want to trust her again.
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The really bad part is that I think she knows I would take her back in a momonets notice. That is bad for me as well, I hear almost everyone saying that their ex regretted doing the divorce and kept coming aorund or trying to spend more time togethor after the fact. I dont think my wife will do that, maybe she will...but i just dont think so.
The bad part for me is that I love her madly, and the thought of her moving on and finding someone else and being in love with that person hurts to no end. The thought that she might change her mind once it is all done also makes me feel as though I would pine for her for ages, that i woudl never truly let her go in my heart. Where would I be then?

 
Originally posted by: SaigonK
Originally posted by: DurocShark
I've been on both sides of this fence. I'm the child of a divorce (I was 6). Haven't seen my dad since then. Grew up on welfare with a mom who would hook up with abusive men. :| I don't know how many times I saw her get the sh!t beat out of her. 🙁 As a somewhat well-adjusted adult, I married my wife at 20. Twice her cheating has pushed us to separation. Twice I've taken her back, after some deep discussions about what I'm doing/not doing to make cheating a viable option to her and about her lack of restraint and lack of communication. Both times we've grown and learned, and just had our 14th anniversary. No relationship is perfect. We each bring our prejudices and flaws to the table. The challenge is to work through the problems successfully. Each mountain you scale makes your relationship that much stronger. SaigonK: It sounds like your soon-to-be-ex has decided she doesn't want to climb any more mountains. It sure is easy to just say "Forget It!" But I think that whatever it is that she's seeing on the other side of divorce will turn out to be nowhere near as nice as she thought. In a year or two she'll be asking you to movies and such. 🙁 Your call if you want to trust her again.
Click to expand...

The really bad part is that I think she knows I would take her back in a momonets notice. That is bad for me as well, I hear almost everyone saying that their ex regretted doing the divorce and kept coming aorund or trying to spend more time togethor after the fact. I dont think my wife will do that, maybe she will...but i just dont think so.
The bad part for me is that I love her madly, and the thought of her moving on and finding someone else and being in love with that person hurts to no end. The thought that she might change her mind once it is all done also makes me feel as though I would pine for her for ages, that i woudl never truly let her go in my heart. Where would I be then?
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You loved her so much that when she told you she wasn't happy and felt you needed counseling you
refused to have any part of it.You sound like you've got selective hearing combined with magical thinking that if you merely ignore problems that they'll go away and work out the way you want them to.

As a divorced woman I can tell you that this is very seldom a "sudden" thing particularly when there are kids involved.She's probably been trying to communicate with you for quite awhile about all this,perhaps the first step towards any sort of recoincilation might be for you to figure out why you couldn't hear her?
 
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: SaigonK
Originally posted by: DurocShark I've been on both sides of this fence. I'm the child of a divorce (I was 6). Haven't seen my dad since then. Grew up on welfare with a mom who would hook up with abusive men. :| I don't know how many times I saw her get the sh!t beat out of her. 🙁 As a somewhat well-adjusted adult, I married my wife at 20. Twice her cheating has pushed us to separation. Twice I've taken her back, after some deep discussions about what I'm doing/not doing to make cheating a viable option to her and about her lack of restraint and lack of communication. Both times we've grown and learned, and just had our 14th anniversary. No relationship is perfect. We each bring our prejudices and flaws to the table. The challenge is to work through the problems successfully. Each mountain you scale makes your relationship that much stronger. SaigonK: It sounds like your soon-to-be-ex has decided she doesn't want to climb any more mountains. It sure is easy to just say "Forget It!" But I think that whatever it is that she's seeing on the other side of divorce will turn out to be nowhere near as nice as she thought. In a year or two she'll be asking you to movies and such. 🙁 Your call if you want to trust her again.
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The really bad part is that I think she knows I would take her back in a momonets notice. That is bad for me as well, I hear almost everyone saying that their ex regretted doing the divorce and kept coming aorund or trying to spend more time togethor after the fact. I dont think my wife will do that, maybe she will...but i just dont think so. The bad part for me is that I love her madly, and the thought of her moving on and finding someone else and being in love with that person hurts to no end. The thought that she might change her mind once it is all done also makes me feel as though I would pine for her for ages, that i woudl never truly let her go in my heart. Where would I be then?
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You loved her so much that when she told you she wasn't happy and felt you needed counseling you refused to have any part of it.You sound like you've got selective hearing combined with magical thinking that if you merely ignore problems that they'll go away and work out the way you want them to. As a divorced woman I can tell you that this is very seldom a "sudden" thing particularly when there are kids involved.She's probably been trying to communicate with you for quite awhile about all this,perhaps the first step towards any sort of recoincilation might be for you to figure out why you couldn't hear her?
Click to expand...

Ouch!

Potential truths can hurt tho...

When I hear someone doesn't believe in counseling, my reflex is to think that person needs counseling. Not because it always works but because it takes an openness and humility to have the desire to grow and subject oneself to it, and maybe they lack that in themselves.

(there are also a lot of horribly incompetent counselors out there, and having gotten one or two can be a huge turn off for counseling in general as well.)
 
Originally posted by: jjsole
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: SaigonK
Originally posted by: DurocShark I've been on both sides of this fence. I'm the child of a divorce (I was 6). Haven't seen my dad since then. Grew up on welfare with a mom who would hook up with abusive men. :| I don't know how many times I saw her get the sh!t beat out of her. 🙁 As a somewhat well-adjusted adult, I married my wife at 20. Twice her cheating has pushed us to separation. Twice I've taken her back, after some deep discussions about what I'm doing/not doing to make cheating a viable option to her and about her lack of restraint and lack of communication. Both times we've grown and learned, and just had our 14th anniversary. No relationship is perfect. We each bring our prejudices and flaws to the table. The challenge is to work through the problems successfully. Each mountain you scale makes your relationship that much stronger. SaigonK: It sounds like your soon-to-be-ex has decided she doesn't want to climb any more mountains. It sure is easy to just say "Forget It!" But I think that whatever it is that she's seeing on the other side of divorce will turn out to be nowhere near as nice as she thought. In a year or two she'll be asking you to movies and such. 🙁 Your call if you want to trust her again.
Click to expand...
The really bad part is that I think she knows I would take her back in a momonets notice. That is bad for me as well, I hear almost everyone saying that their ex regretted doing the divorce and kept coming aorund or trying to spend more time togethor after the fact. I dont think my wife will do that, maybe she will...but i just dont think so. The bad part for me is that I love her madly, and the thought of her moving on and finding someone else and being in love with that person hurts to no end. The thought that she might change her mind once it is all done also makes me feel as though I would pine for her for ages, that i woudl never truly let her go in my heart. Where would I be then?
Click to expand...
You loved her so much that when she told you she wasn't happy and felt you needed counseling you refused to have any part of it.You sound like you've got selective hearing combined with magical thinking that if you merely ignore problems that they'll go away and work out the way you want them to. As a divorced woman I can tell you that this is very seldom a "sudden" thing particularly when there are kids involved.She's probably been trying to communicate with you for quite awhile about all this,perhaps the first step towards any sort of recoincilation might be for you to figure out why you couldn't hear her?
Click to expand...

Ouch!

Potential truths can hurt tho...

When I hear someone doesn't believe in counseling, my reflex is to think that person needs counseling. Not because it always works but because it takes an openness and humility to have the desire to grow and subject oneself to it, and maybe they lack that in themselves.
Click to expand...


I wasn't trying to hurt or insult the OP,it's been my experience though that folks with selective hearing
tend to also have that with other people in their lives,co-workers,bosses's,even their own children.Even when you are able to finally communicate with these folks they tend to think that if they ignore you "the problem" will just magically disappear,unforunately people aren't objects and relationships don't work that way.
 
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