George Carlin

[quackagator]

George Carlin Strikes Again
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths: A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. C. Baptists do not recognize each Other in the liquor store or at Hooters
6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts"
and you put your two cents in. . .What happens to the other penny?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
21. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.
22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
24. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
25. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.
26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
27. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
28. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
30. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
31. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
32. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
33. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
34. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

[NFS4]

George Carlin is my FAVORITE comedian

 

[MainFramed]

Originally posted by: NFS4
George Carlin is my FAVORITE comedian

hes great

EDIT: George Carlin & Jim Breuer!!

 

[Jugernot]

Some of those don't sounds like a Carlin joke... though I could be wrong. Really funny though!

 

[Kadarin]

"If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?"

Good question.

Carlin's football vs. baseball routine is great also...

Another great would be Steven Wright.

 

[tm37]

I think most of these are steven wright jokes.

 

[geno]

Carlin is the MAN!

 

[tm37]

More SW

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it." -- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..." -- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
-- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing. -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
-- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by. -- Steven Wright

 

[LAUST]

"Help the children, save the children, what about the children... you know what I say.. Fvck the children!!"

I love Carlin