Firesign Theater - Up Against The Wall Of Science
From I Think We're All All Bozos On This Bus™ (1971)
Mystical Male Voice: [rumbling sounds] Before the beginning, there was this turtle. And the turtle was alone. And he looked around. And he saw his neighbor, which was his mother, and he lay down on top of his neighbor, [coyote howl] and behold, she bore him in tears, an oak tree, which grew all day, and then fell over, [coyote howl] like a bridge. And low, under the bridge there came a catfish, and he was very big, [coyote howls] and he was walking, [more howls] and he was the biggest he had seen. [starts fading] And so, with the fiery balls of this fish, one of which is the sun, and the other, they called the moon... [sounds end]
Calm Male Narrator: Yes, some uncomplicated peoples still believe this myth. But here in the technical vastness of The Future, we can guess that surely, the past was very different. [begins fading] We can surmise, for instance, that these two great balls... [sounds end]
Echoey Male Voice: We know for certain, for instance, that for some reason, for some time in the beginning, there were hot lumps. Cold and lonely, they whirled noiselessly through the black holes of space [reverb effect here]. These insignificant lumps came together to form the first union, our sun, the heating system. And about this glowing gas bag, rotated the earth, a catseye among aggies, [reverb begins to really build] blinking in astonishment across the face of time. [reverb overwhelms everything, sounds disappear]
First Male Lecturer: [lecture room noises, voice quiet in the room] Well, we were covered with a molten scum of rocks, bobbing on the surface like rats. Later, when there was less heat, these giant rock groups settled down among the land masses. During this extinct time, our Earth was like a steam room, and no one, not even man, could get in. [coughs start in audience] However, the oceans and the sewers were simmering with a rich protein stew, and the mountains moved in to surround and protect them. They didn't know then that living as we know it was already taken over. Thank you. [a round of applause, constant coughs begin]
Second Male Lecturer: [brief rustling of paper] Animals without backbones hid from each other, or fell down. Clamosaurs and oysterettes appeared as appetizers. Then came the sponges, which sucked up about 10% of all life. [more rustling] [clears throat] Hundreds of years later, in the Late Devouring Period, fish became obnoxious. [clears throat] Trailer bikes, chigger bites, and mosquitoes collided aimlessly in the dense gas. Finally [a bit more rustling], tiny, edible plants sprang up in rows, giving birth to generations of insecticides and other small, dying creatures. Thank you. [applause, new rumbling sound sets in]
Male Voice With Throaty Reverb: [some African flutes and drums play] Millions of months passed, and, 28 days later, the moon appeared. This small change was reflected best, perhaps, in the sand dollar, which shrank to almost nothing at the bottom of the pool, where even dumb amphibians, like catfish, laid their eggs in the boiling waters, only to be gobbled up every three minutes by the giant sea orphans and jungle bunnies, which scared everybody. [music begins to build] And so, IN FEAR AND HOT WATER, [music approaches a climax] MAN IS BORN!!!
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