Gaze in awe of my benevolence

[Exterous]

Not too long ago a sharp cry of alarm was raised by my wife*. When I went to investigate it turns out the culprit was an unwanted house guest. Unlike the previous intruder this one was minding its own business and just chilling on the entryway floor. So I scooped him up on some paper and ushered him outside.

Even when he turned surly and swung back through the doorway and tried to latch his claws onto my shin I shooed the spider back outside a second time. He better kill some mosquitoes or I may not be so kind next time

*no pics will be provided

 

[GagHalfrunt]

Perhaps that spider becomes irradiated, bites some geek and turns him into an unstoppable supervillain that destroys life as we know it. So a giant FUCK YOU in advance because by the time we know for sure it may be too late.

 

[IronWing]

*no pics will be provided

Always read the footnote first; it's a real time saver.

 

[lxskllr]

You're just trying to ingratiate yourself with the vengeful hoard seeking justice for their brother's death. It may work. Keep it up, and they'll kill you quick instead of making it last.

 

[Darwin333]

Just another scout, now they know that you are becoming timider so the large-scale attack will be coming soon.

- Spider #1 scurries back to his companions "he thinks that he defeated me with a piece of paper!"
- Spiders #2-#12.5 million "bwahahahahahahahahaha"
- Spider #1 "Yes my friends, he is exactly where we want him"

 

[Skyclad1uhm1]

House spiders tend to not survive outside. So you just murdered it.

 

[shortylickens]

I have a sneaking suspicion we will never get closure on this story.

 

[Exterous]

House spiders tend to not survive outside. So you just murdered it.

Well wasn't going to be allowed to stay so his chances of survival are infinitely higher outside when compared to my thumb and a toilet flush

 

[BarkingGhostar]

Its a trap! Wife wanted a divorce, spider style.

 

[Thebobo]

Its a trap! Wife wanted a divorce, spider style.

ewwww https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=spider style

 

[DietDrThunder]

I tried doing that with a large wolf spider. The darn thing got pissed and came after me and could jump a good 2 feet. I ended up killing it with a broom

 

[nakedfrog]

House spiders tend to not survive outside. So you just murdered it.

I think he'd get spiderslaughter at best.

 

[dullard]

Well wasn't going to be allowed to stay so his chances of survival are infinitely higher outside when compared to my thumb and a toilet flush

I'm trying to picture this spider removal that requires both a thumb and a toilet flush. I personally would wash off the spider guts from my thumb with a sink. But to each his* own I guess.

*no handshaking will be provided if I ever meet you

 

[Exterous]

I'm trying to picture this spider removal that requires both a thumb and a toilet flush. I personally would wash off the spider guts from my thumb with a sink. But to each his* own I guess.

*no handshaking will be provided if I ever meet you

Its a contractual requirement my wife snuck into the wedding agreement

 

[Darwin333]

I have a sneaking suspicion we will never get closure on this story.

Of course not, when the army horde of spiders murders him and his wife in their sleep we will never hear the story.

 

[OutHouse]

Not too long ago a sharp cry of alarm was raised by my wife*. When I went to investigate it turns out the culprit was an unwanted house guest. Unlike the previous intruder this one was minding its own business and just chilling on the entryway floor. So I scooped him up on some paper and ushered him outside.

Even when he turned surly and swung back through the doorway and tried to latch his claws onto my shin I shooed the spider back outside a second time. He better kill some mosquitoes or I may not be so kind next time

*no pics will be provided

So brave.

 

[Skyclad1uhm1]

Well wasn't going to be allowed to stay so his chances of survival are infinitely higher outside when compared to my thumb and a toilet flush

There's a small spider in a corner of my house that's allowed to stay. Any flies or silverfish that make their way into my house end up in its web, which saves me from having to go to the door each time.
It's now several years old if I'm not mistaken, which is very old for such spiders. It's webs arent as good as they used to be, but that doesn't matter if I toss in the vermin correctly.