Society does, if you don't have a moral compass to have figured it out yourself. Considering how you're arguing the point now, I don't know why you bothered to say that your original post was "tongue-in-cheek".
A human right, in which sense? Morally, legally?
So far the total argument on this thread against the idea of gay people being allowed to marry is "because some religions think it is wrong". Since:
a) Religious institutions don't wield executive power in most developed countries;
b) Most gay people probably wouldn't want to get married according to a certain religion which deems them as second-class citizens
c) As far as I'm aware, most major organised religions haven't championed any human rights for at least a century (a lot of human rights matters would have been cleared up a heck of a lot quicker if they had!)
Why should most people care what the major religions think?
The only other reason I can think of why gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry is "because some bigots think that it might somehow sully the definition of marriage", which is a pretty crap reason, and if society lets the bigots align society's moral compass, we may as well throw out a load of other human rights out of the window at the same time, because bigots have existed in every generation, resisting change that means that they ought to respect their fellow human beings a bit more than before.
See its like this. People seem to use the argument that its not fair or there is no equality when they do not want to let gay people marry. Its not a religion thing. The ministers and preachers or whatever only got the right to marry people given them by the State.
But it is simple. The State invite people 2 or more who wants to start a family or share their possessions together to sign a contract legally binding it. They state a requirement for that contract and one requirement is that it must be between a man and a woman.
The reason for that is basically marriage is just way for the State to look after the welfare of the kids if there is any. To make sure the children go with the most suitable parent and that both get access to them through whatever arrangements they come to agree on. Further as a added bonus they let you stipulate certain agreements that you might have with the property and how its shared.
If there is no kids what is the use of offering something like that to anyone. For property you can take a piece of paper, three witnesses and write out what happens or how you will devide the property if you ever go separate way. Sign it let witness sign it and each get a copy original put away somewhere. That is not something the State have to deal with which is a civil matter. Children are a state matter.
So no there is no human right to marriage. Its a contract provided by the State for the welfare of the kids. Nothing to do with because they are gay. They do not meet the requirement for that contract same as HIV people do not meet the requirement for some health insurance companies.
As for government jumping in. They can only jump in after due process. That means to courts and they are going to ask what the supreme court say. Have there been such a case brought before a court? Because I know the State do not arrest you for wanting to marry and who are you going to sue? If someone do not want to marry you then he has the right to do so. Why change a contract and requirement when there will be nothing in it that basically concern the State? Property and disputes for it are civil.
So if gay people can have kids where both party are biological parents of them then they might get married.
So government hands are tide because there was no due process. If supreme court said its unconstitutional then they can. Otherwise the state can no say to gay marriage as long as they want. Don't like it elect a governor that will change it.