Funniest religious joke of all time

[Atomic Playboy]

"Better Nate than lever!" cried Jesus.

 

[Safeway]

Originally posted by: Atomic Playboy
"Better Nate than lever!" cried Jesus.

I read that whole damn joke.

 

[kranky]

When his sailboat sank, a man was trapped on an island for years. Then one day, a boat came near and the man was able to attract its attention. The rescuer marveled at how the man had survived alone for so long, and on the way back to civilization they talked at length about the man's struggles.

The rescuer said, "I thought it was odd that there were three huts, although you were by yourself the entire time."

The man said, "Well, I needed a place to live. That first hut was my home."

The rescuer asked, "What was the second hut?"

"That was where I went to church."

"And the third one?"

The man said, "Oh... that's where I USED to go to church."

 

[Canai]

Originally posted by: OdiN
A preacher was out hunting bears in the woods. It had been a week and he hadn't seen a single bear! Disgusted, he tossed down his rifle and went over to the creek.

He bent down and washed his face with some water from the creek, and when he looked up, there was a huge grizzly charging him.

Fearing his life he immediately prayed to God - "Dear Lord - You know that I do not ask for much, so please grant me this request. Please Lord make this Grizzly bear into a Christian!"

Immediately the Grizzly stopped charging. It stood up on its hind legs and raised the front ones to the heavens.

The Grizzly began to pray! "Dear Lord - please bless this meal which I am about to receive..."

ahahahha best one yet!

 

[OdiN]

Originally posted by: LeadMagnet
A burglar breaks into a house, while walking thru the house with his flashlight.

He then hears a voice from the darkness say "Jesus is watching you"

the burglar looks around but doesn't anyone, so he takes a few more steps and hears from the darkness "Jesus is watching you"


He franticly looks about but doesn't see anyone, just a parrot sitting in a cage. He walks towards the cage and the parrot says "Jesus is watching you"

Relived it was just the parrot ,the burglar says "What's your name?"

The parrot responds "Moses"

The burglar says "What idiot would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot responds " The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."

How do you break into a house while you're already walking through it with a flashlight?

 

[datalink7]

This is my favorite:

Jesus and his disciples are sitting around a table discussing the current problem of drugs in todays society, when Jesus decides that the only way to get an understanding of the problem is to actually try the drugs for themselves. So Jesus sends his disciples out to the four corners of the earth to bring back a variety of narcotics for testing.

Several weeks later the first disciple arrives back. There's a knock on the door.

"Peter, you have returned and what have you brought for us."

"My Lord! from Morrocco I have brought some Hash."

"We'll done Peter."

Another knock on the door.

"Simon, what have you brought back from your travels?"

"My Lord! I have brought some Marijuana from the rain forests of Brazil."

Another knock on the door.

"John, what have you brought?"

"My Lord! I have brought cocaine from Columbia"

Another knock on the door.

"James! what have you brought?"

"My Lord! from the mountains of Nepal I've brouht heroin."

Another knock on the door.

"Mathew, what have you brought?"

"My Lord! from New York city I have brought some crack."

Then finally there's a knock on the door and Judas arrives. And Jesus asks

"Judas what have you brought? "

"The FBI motherfuckers, this is a bust."

 

[DangerAardvark]

Text

 

[thepd7]

Originally posted by: kranky
When his sailboat sank, a man was trapped on an island for years. Then one day, a boat came near and the man was able to attract its attention. The rescuer marveled at how the man had survived alone for so long, and on the way back to civilization they talked at length about the man's struggles.

The rescuer said, "I thought it was odd that there were three huts, although you were by yourself the entire time."

The man said, "Well, I needed a place to live. That first hut was my home."

The rescuer asked, "What was the second hut?"

"That was where I went to church."

"And the third one?"

The man said, "Oh... that's where I USED to go to church."

lol nice!

 

[NikolaeVarius]

Stolen from Bash

Whats the difference between Jesus and a Picture of Jesus?


It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

http://img262.imageshack.us/img262/8806/dfhdjyl8.jpg

 

[Corporate Thug]

Originally posted by: thepd7

Originally posted by: kranky
When his sailboat sank, a man was trapped on an island for years. Then one day, a boat came near and the man was able to attract its attention. The rescuer marveled at how the man had survived alone for so long, and on the way back to civilization they talked at length about the man's struggles.

The rescuer said, "I thought it was odd that there were three huts, although you were by yourself the entire time."

The man said, "Well, I needed a place to live. That first hut was my home."

The rescuer asked, "What was the second hut?"

"That was where I went to church."

"And the third one?"

The man said, "Oh... that's where I USED to go to church."

lol nice!

explanation for the thick headed like myself?

 

[KLin]

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

 

[legoman666]

Originally posted by: KLin
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

LOL, that was good.

 

[Perknose]

From my Catholic grade school days, an Easter joke:

"I don't care WHO you are, drop that cross once more and you're out of the parade!"

 

[Safeway]

Originally posted by: Corporate Thug

Originally posted by: thepd7

Originally posted by: kranky
When his sailboat sank, a man was trapped on an island for years. Then one day, a boat came near and the man was able to attract its attention. The rescuer marveled at how the man had survived alone for so long, and on the way back to civilization they talked at length about the man's struggles.

The rescuer said, "I thought it was odd that there were three huts, although you were by yourself the entire time."

The man said, "Well, I needed a place to live. That first hut was my home."

The rescuer asked, "What was the second hut?"

"That was where I went to church."

"And the third one?"

The man said, "Oh... that's where I USED to go to church."

lol nice!

explanation for the thick headed like myself?

Yea, I don't get it either.

 

[Perknose]

Originally posted by: Safeway

Originally posted by: Corporate Thug

Originally posted by: thepd7

Originally posted by: kranky
When his sailboat sank, a man was trapped on an island for years. Then one day, a boat came near and the man was able to attract its attention. The rescuer marveled at how the man had survived alone for so long, and on the way back to civilization they talked at length about the man's struggles.

The rescuer said, "I thought it was odd that there were three huts, although you were by yourself the entire time."

The man said, "Well, I needed a place to live. That first hut was my home."

The rescuer asked, "What was the second hut?"

"That was where I went to church."

"And the third one?"

The man said, "Oh... that's where I USED to go to church."

lol nice!

explanation for the thick headed like myself?

Yea, I don't get it either.

Like the OP's joke, a comment on religious sectarianism, reductio ad absurdism. As a "nation" of one, alone on the island, the guy still got involved in an inter-faith disput, and left one church for another, never going back to the first.

Sigh.

Explaining jokes always sucks.

 

[OdiN]

Originally posted by: Perknose

Originally posted by: Safeway

Originally posted by: Corporate Thug

Originally posted by: thepd7

Originally posted by: kranky
When his sailboat sank, a man was trapped on an island for years. Then one day, a boat came near and the man was able to attract its attention. The rescuer marveled at how the man had survived alone for so long, and on the way back to civilization they talked at length about the man's struggles.

The rescuer said, "I thought it was odd that there were three huts, although you were by yourself the entire time."

The man said, "Well, I needed a place to live. That first hut was my home."

The rescuer asked, "What was the second hut?"

"That was where I went to church."

"And the third one?"

The man said, "Oh... that's where I USED to go to church."

lol nice!

explanation for the thick headed like myself?

Yea, I don't get it either.

Like the OP's joke, a comment on religious sectarianism, reductio ad absurdism. As a "nation" of one, alone on the island, the guy still got involved in an inter-faith disput, and left one church for another, never going back to the first.

Sigh.

Explaining jokes always sucks.

Problem is that the joke just isn't funny.

 

[oogabooga]

Originally posted by: OdiN

Originally posted by: Perknose

Originally posted by: Safeway

Originally posted by: Corporate Thug

Originally posted by: thepd7

Originally posted by: kranky
When his sailboat sank, a man was trapped on an island for years. Then one day, a boat came near and the man was able to attract its attention. The rescuer marveled at how the man had survived alone for so long, and on the way back to civilization they talked at length about the man's struggles.

The rescuer said, "I thought it was odd that there were three huts, although you were by yourself the entire time."

The man said, "Well, I needed a place to live. That first hut was my home."

The rescuer asked, "What was the second hut?"

"That was where I went to church."

"And the third one?"

The man said, "Oh... that's where I USED to go to church."

lol nice!

explanation for the thick headed like myself?

Yea, I don't get it either.

Like the OP's joke, a comment on religious sectarianism, reductio ad absurdism. As a "nation" of one, alone on the island, the guy still got involved in an inter-faith disput, and left one church for another, never going back to the first.

Sigh.

Explaining jokes always sucks.

Problem is that the joke just isn't funny.

It got a smile and a chuckle out of me.
Though I'll admit the chuckle only came after perknose took the time to actually explain the joke afterwards. I know it sucks but I always laugh when someone explains a joke, I just picture them doing it in a really condescending fashion (though I'm sure he didn't) and it just appeals to me sense of humor I guess.

 

[xSauronx]

this was always one of my favorites:

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb To temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,

"Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[thepd7]

Originally posted by: Perknose

Originally posted by: Safeway

Originally posted by: Corporate Thug

Originally posted by: thepd7

Originally posted by: kranky
When his sailboat sank, a man was trapped on an island for years. Then one day, a boat came near and the man was able to attract its attention. The rescuer marveled at how the man had survived alone for so long, and on the way back to civilization they talked at length about the man's struggles.

The rescuer said, "I thought it was odd that there were three huts, although you were by yourself the entire time."

The man said, "Well, I needed a place to live. That first hut was my home."

The rescuer asked, "What was the second hut?"

"That was where I went to church."

"And the third one?"

The man said, "Oh... that's where I USED to go to church."

lol nice!

explanation for the thick headed like myself?

Yea, I don't get it either.

Like the OP's joke, a comment on religious sectarianism, reductio ad absurdism. As a "nation" of one, alone on the island, the guy still got involved in an inter-faith disput, and left one church for another, never going back to the first.

Sigh.

Explaining jokes always sucks.

Kind of. You would have had to grown up in church (and gone through a split really) to appreciate this one, it's not because any of you are dense. It's a satire on the cliques some churches tend to have.

 

[DangerAardvark]

Originally posted by: thepd7

Originally posted by: Perknose

Originally posted by: Safeway

Originally posted by: Corporate Thug

Originally posted by: thepd7

Originally posted by: kranky
When his sailboat sank, a man was trapped on an island for years. Then one day, a boat came near and the man was able to attract its attention. The rescuer marveled at how the man had survived alone for so long, and on the way back to civilization they talked at length about the man's struggles.

The rescuer said, "I thought it was odd that there were three huts, although you were by yourself the entire time."

The man said, "Well, I needed a place to live. That first hut was my home."

The rescuer asked, "What was the second hut?"

"That was where I went to church."

"And the third one?"

The man said, "Oh... that's where I USED to go to church."

lol nice!

explanation for the thick headed like myself?

Yea, I don't get it either.

Like the OP's joke, a comment on religious sectarianism, reductio ad absurdism. As a "nation" of one, alone on the island, the guy still got involved in an inter-faith disput, and left one church for another, never going back to the first.

Sigh.

Explaining jokes always sucks.

Kind of. You would have had to grown up in church (and gone through a split really) to appreciate this one, it's not because any of you are dense. It's a satire on the cliques some churches tend to have.

That's probably it. The punchline doesn't make any sense unless you know church-hoppers.

 

[spacejamz]

the most blasphemous joke of all time:

why did the lady go back to church?

she heard there was a guy there hung like this... (assume the Jesus position on the cross with outstretched hands and note the distance between your hands. then look skyward to make sure a bolt of lightning is not about to hit you)...this joke is better told in person though.

 

[mrSHEiK124]

Originally posted by: Safeway
Want to know about Christianity? Read the Bible.
Want to know about Judaism? Read the Torah.
Want to know about Islam? Read the Qur'an.
Want to know about Scientology? Wait until the check clears.

:laugh: Touche

 

[DangerAardvark]

Originally posted by: spacejamz
the most blasphemous joke of all time:

why did the lady go back to church?

she heard there was a guy there hung like this... (assume the Jesus position on the cross with outstretched hands and note the distance between your hands. then look skyward to make sure a bolt of lightning is not about to hit you)...this joke is better told in person though.

That is awesome.

 

[WildHorse]

``

 

[daveymark]

An irish catholic priest walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.
The bartender asks "Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?"
The priest responds "Aye, laddie, it's drivin' me nuts"