Friday Joke Thread
- Thread starter thelanx
- Start date
The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a "seven ten cap." We all looked at each other and said, "What's a 'seven ten cap'?"
She said, "You know. It's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a '99 Buick.
"OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about three inches in diameter.
"What does it do," we asked?
She said, "I don't know but it's always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about three inches in diameter and in the center she writes "710."
The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it?and they just fall down behind the counter laughing in hysterics.
One guy said, "I think you want an OIL cap."
She said, "Seven Ten cap, OIL cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
She said, "You know. It's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a '99 Buick.
"OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about three inches in diameter.
"What does it do," we asked?
She said, "I don't know but it's always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about three inches in diameter and in the center she writes "710."
The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it?and they just fall down behind the counter laughing in hysterics.
One guy said, "I think you want an OIL cap."
She said, "Seven Ten cap, OIL cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
Star Trek Vs Microsoft
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
... 15 Minutes Later ...
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
... Two Hours Pass ...
Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers...
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
... 15 Minutes Later ...
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
... Two Hours Pass ...
Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers...
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
Two bullfrogs were sitting on their respective lilly pads in the middle of the pond, < slurp > grabbing some breakfast, reading their weekly news magazines and laughing their asses off.
This goes on for awhile, and they continue < slurp > snacking on whatever flits by, reading their weekly news magazines and laughing their asses off.
Later that afternoon, they're still there, < slurp > dining on whatever flits by, reading their weekly news magazines and laughing their asses off.
One frog turns to the other and says [cue drum roll and prepare to moan]...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
This goes on for awhile, and they continue < slurp > snacking on whatever flits by, reading their weekly news magazines and laughing their asses off.
Later that afternoon, they're still there, < slurp > dining on whatever flits by, reading their weekly news magazines and laughing their asses off.
One frog turns to the other and says [cue drum roll and prepare to moan]...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
"From the State where drunk driving is considered a
sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a
routine police patrol parked outside a local
neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The
man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which
he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a
number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on,
then off, honked the horn and then switched on the
lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained still for a few
more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he
pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive
slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up the patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer
equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the
designated decoy.""
sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a
routine police patrol parked outside a local
neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The
man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which
he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a
number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on,
then off, honked the horn and then switched on the
lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained still for a few
more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he
pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive
slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up the patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer
equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the
designated decoy.""
In 1986 I was stationed at a remote Navy communications station in southern Spain in the town of Mor?n de la Frontera (pronounced "more-own," not moron, although there are plenty of jokes about that). Anyway, there were only about 30 of us stationed there and about 8 of us lived in the nearby town of 40,000 people. One of our fellow sailors that lived in town with us was a bit on the slow side?his nickname was "Cisco."
So one day Cisco buys a used, lime-green Fiat to get back and forth to the base. This car was always giving him problems and was soon despised not only by Cisco, but by all of us, since at one time or another it had left us stranded half way to the base when it was Cisco's turn to drive.
Now in 1986 the dollar was very strong in Europe?about like today?and prices on the local economy were cheap. This combination of factors led to an average beer in any local bar having an equivalent price in dollars of about 35 cents. Needless to say, that price combined with the vigor of youth led to many, many nights of overindulgence. On those particular nights, a few of us would decide to get our revenge on that hated, lime-green Fiat and its owner. Since Cisco always parked the Fiat just around the corner from our favorite bar, we only had to stumble a few steps to complete our task.
It must have something to do with Fiats, drunk sailors, or a combination of the two. In a nutshell, the crime consisted of putting a man on each corner of the car and "shuffling" the car out of its parking spot into the middle of the street, then running back to the bar for a few more beers. Invariably, a member of the local Spanish police would come by within the hour and put a ticket on the vehicle. Then we'd go back out and shuffle the car back into its parking spot. Cisco would come out in the morning and become quickly incensed at seeing that his car had a ticket on it for no good reason. And it was the ONLY car with a ticket on it! At one point he was heard to cry, "Those &*^!$#% cops have it in for me! I'm not paying another ticket!"
I'm not sure how many tickets poor Cisco got during the course of the two years that our little group was stationed there but, unlike the gentleman of the other Fiat story, we never did have the guts to own up to our caper.
Sincerely,
Dan Tischendorf
New Cumberland, PA
So one day Cisco buys a used, lime-green Fiat to get back and forth to the base. This car was always giving him problems and was soon despised not only by Cisco, but by all of us, since at one time or another it had left us stranded half way to the base when it was Cisco's turn to drive.
Now in 1986 the dollar was very strong in Europe?about like today?and prices on the local economy were cheap. This combination of factors led to an average beer in any local bar having an equivalent price in dollars of about 35 cents. Needless to say, that price combined with the vigor of youth led to many, many nights of overindulgence. On those particular nights, a few of us would decide to get our revenge on that hated, lime-green Fiat and its owner. Since Cisco always parked the Fiat just around the corner from our favorite bar, we only had to stumble a few steps to complete our task.
It must have something to do with Fiats, drunk sailors, or a combination of the two. In a nutshell, the crime consisted of putting a man on each corner of the car and "shuffling" the car out of its parking spot into the middle of the street, then running back to the bar for a few more beers. Invariably, a member of the local Spanish police would come by within the hour and put a ticket on the vehicle. Then we'd go back out and shuffle the car back into its parking spot. Cisco would come out in the morning and become quickly incensed at seeing that his car had a ticket on it for no good reason. And it was the ONLY car with a ticket on it! At one point he was heard to cry, "Those &*^!$#% cops have it in for me! I'm not paying another ticket!"
I'm not sure how many tickets poor Cisco got during the course of the two years that our little group was stationed there but, unlike the gentleman of the other Fiat story, we never did have the guts to own up to our caper.
Sincerely,
Dan Tischendorf
New Cumberland, PA
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