OK, before the weekend hits, I need some jokes to torture my wife with in the car.
As a sign of good faith, here's one for ya. It's not exactly a joke, and I'm sure it has been posted before, but here we go:
What Can Be Learned From TV
1) Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
2) Good guys are always outnumbered.
3) Good guys always win and get the girl.
4) Good guys are always good-looking.
5) Good guys are the only ones with a sense of humor.
6) Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
7) Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
8) Good guys don't take drugs.
9) Heroes wear clothes that dirt can't stick to.
10) Ugly people are always bad guys.
11) Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but they will never stick around to see if it works.
12) The bad guy chickens out first.
13) The police are smart.
14) Police never wait for back-up.
15) Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark sunglasses.
16) All police killings are in self-defense.
17) Police chases must include a car going through a plate-glass window.
18) Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.
19) After being shot, there is always enough time to escape.
20) The chances of getting into an accident increases proportionally as the car goes slower.
21) A burglar alarm system's connection box is on the outside wall.
22) Private detective work is glamorous.
23) Cars will explode in all accidents.
24) Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
25) Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
26) Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
27) High school students look 30 years old.
28) The suburbs are exciting.
29) Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
30) All Chinese people know karate.
31) Indians make good fodder.
32) All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded.
33) Everybody wins in Las Vegas.
34) Nobody has time to watch TV.
35) Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when he or she is in a hurry.
36) Housework is never needed.
37) Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
38) Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
39) The last five minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
40) The last five minutes will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
41) In case of emergency, speak in clichés.
42) Ninety-five-pound women in tight skirts can throw around 300-pound muscle-bound men.
43) Fistfights don't result in bruises.
44) Helicopters are attracted to mountains.
45) No one ever mumbles, stutters, or says, "Um ... "
46) People normally wake up in the morning with make-up on.
47) There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men.
48) If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
49) Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
50) Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
51) Everyone has a "dark" secret.
52) Haunted houses are never locked.
53) Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
54) Rich people are unhappy.
55) Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
56) When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of his or her mouth.
57) Christmas Eve and Halloween nights last for three of four days each.
58) Midnight happens more than once in a monster movie.
59) To kill a vampire, you must set out five minutes before sunset.
60) Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie that everyone who went into the dark cellar never came out.
61) The group always splits up to look for the alien.
62) Movies based on true stories are always made up.
63) Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their home PC.
b) Computers know everything.
c) You must type frantically to keep a 3-D image moving on the screen.
64) In the end, all resource limitations are overruled.
Post your own.
As a sign of good faith, here's one for ya. It's not exactly a joke, and I'm sure it has been posted before, but here we go:
What Can Be Learned From TV
1) Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
2) Good guys are always outnumbered.
3) Good guys always win and get the girl.
4) Good guys are always good-looking.
5) Good guys are the only ones with a sense of humor.
6) Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
7) Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
8) Good guys don't take drugs.
9) Heroes wear clothes that dirt can't stick to.
10) Ugly people are always bad guys.
11) Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but they will never stick around to see if it works.
12) The bad guy chickens out first.
13) The police are smart.
14) Police never wait for back-up.
15) Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark sunglasses.
16) All police killings are in self-defense.
17) Police chases must include a car going through a plate-glass window.
18) Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.
19) After being shot, there is always enough time to escape.
20) The chances of getting into an accident increases proportionally as the car goes slower.
21) A burglar alarm system's connection box is on the outside wall.
22) Private detective work is glamorous.
23) Cars will explode in all accidents.
24) Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
25) Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
26) Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
27) High school students look 30 years old.
28) The suburbs are exciting.
29) Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
30) All Chinese people know karate.
31) Indians make good fodder.
32) All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded.
33) Everybody wins in Las Vegas.
34) Nobody has time to watch TV.
35) Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when he or she is in a hurry.
36) Housework is never needed.
37) Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
38) Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
39) The last five minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
40) The last five minutes will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
41) In case of emergency, speak in clichés.
42) Ninety-five-pound women in tight skirts can throw around 300-pound muscle-bound men.
43) Fistfights don't result in bruises.
44) Helicopters are attracted to mountains.
45) No one ever mumbles, stutters, or says, "Um ... "
46) People normally wake up in the morning with make-up on.
47) There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men.
48) If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
49) Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
50) Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
51) Everyone has a "dark" secret.
52) Haunted houses are never locked.
53) Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
54) Rich people are unhappy.
55) Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
56) When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of his or her mouth.
57) Christmas Eve and Halloween nights last for three of four days each.
58) Midnight happens more than once in a monster movie.
59) To kill a vampire, you must set out five minutes before sunset.
60) Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie that everyone who went into the dark cellar never came out.
61) The group always splits up to look for the alien.
62) Movies based on true stories are always made up.
63) Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their home PC.
b) Computers know everything.
c) You must type frantically to keep a 3-D image moving on the screen.
64) In the end, all resource limitations are overruled.
Post your own.
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