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Favorite "Spaceballs" Quote?

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[Spaceball One is approaching the Eagle 5]
Colonel Sandurz: We're closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours.
Dark Helmet: Good! Prepare to attack!
Colonel Sandurz: Preparing to attack!
Dark Helmet: On the count of three. 1...2...[Eagle 5 goes into hyperspace]Late! What happened? Where are they?!
Colonel Sandurz: I don't know. They must have hyperjets on that thing!
Dark Helmet: And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?!
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir!
Dark Helmet: Well find them, catch them!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir! Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No-no-no, light speed is too slow!
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we'll have to go right to... Ludicrous speed!
[The entire crew gasps.]
Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if this ship can take it!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
Colonel Sandurz: [stuttering, sounding much like a chicken] Prepare ship-- [more clearly] Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo--
Dark Helmet: Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed--
Colonel Sandurz: Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
Dark Helmet: Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous speed, go!
[Dark Helmet is screaming as he sees various warp trails on the monitor. Meanwhile, there are signs lighting up indicating "LIGHT SPEED", "RIDICULOUS SPEED", and a flashing "LUDICROUS SPEED" sign]
Dark Helmet: What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!
[Spaceball One passes Lone Starr's Winnebago, leaving a trail of plaid light behind them]
Barf: ... What the hell was that?
Lone Starr: Spaceball One.
Barf: They've gone to plaid!
Dark Helmet: We passed 'em! Stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!
Dark Helmet: Bullshit! Stop this thing, I order you! Sto-o-o-o-p!
[Colonel Sandurz reaches out and uses the emergency brake, which has a "Never use" warning on it. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet severely.]
Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, sir?
Dark Helmet: [slightly dazed] Fine. How have you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em. (Falls over)
Click to expand...

More goodness
 
No sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!

res1.jpg
 
My men are combing the desert as we speak:

Found anything yet?

(Two soldiers with large comb in sand)
No sir!

You?

(Two more soldiers with large comb)
Not yet sir.

(Two black soldiers with a hair pik)
We ain't found sh*t!
 
Ninjahedge said:
My men are combing the desert as we speak:

Found anything yet?

(Two soldiers with large comb in sand)
No sir!

You?

(Two more soldiers with large comb)
Not yet sir.

(Two black soldiers with a hair pik)
We ain't found sh*t!
Click to expand...

did you notice the black guy who delivers that line is the same guy who plays Tuvok on Voyager?
 
"Out of order!?!?!? Fuck, even in the future nothing works!"

Surprised this one has yet to be posted. But like others have said, you piratically just need the whole script for great lines.
 
I saw this like once back in college. And I'm not even a fan of SW/ST. There is only one line I remember...

Black Guy: We Ain't got SHIT.
 
Private (radar technician - Motormouth Jones), Colonel Sanders and Dark Helmet -

"Arunthantue would you come over here a moment, please, sir."
"What is it, private?"
"Arunthantue."
Colonel Sanders grabs the microphone away from the soldier. "You don't need that, we're standing right here."
"Arunthantue."
Dark Helmet grabs the whole speaker device and throws it to the ground.
 
BrownShoes said:
Private (radar technician - Motormouth Jones), Colonel Sanders and Dark Helmet -

"Arunthantue would you come over here a moment, please, sir."
"What is it, private?"
"Arunthantue."
Colonel Sanders grabs the microphone away from the soldier. "You don't need that, we're standing right here."
"Arunthantue."
Dark Helmet grabs the whole speaker device and throws it to the ground.
Click to expand...

this scene really only works if you can see and hear it

oh and the doll scene was hilarious
 
Ninjahedge said:
My men are combing the desert as we speak:

Found anything yet?

(Two soldiers with large comb in sand)
No sir!

You?

(Two more soldiers with large comb)
Not yet sir.

(Two black soldiers with a hair pik)
We ain't found sh*t!
Click to expand...

Definitely best umm "one-liner" from the movie period. One of my top 5 favorite movies overall.
 
Holy crap, I don't think I've seen the non edited version of the movie in like 17 years. The black dudes with the pick, I don't even remember that line LMAO!!.
 
All right guys, that was great. Take five.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!


-Scene opens with Darth Helmet walking up the pathway to the Bridge
[pawwwww-tchhhhhhhhh breathing sound]
[pawwwww-tchhhhhhhhh breathing sound]
[pawwwww-tchhhhhhhhh breathing sound]
[pawwwwww-gurk-shhh-thc-chhhhh]
-Helmet flys open

I can't BREATHE in this thing!
 
Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?

Hm. I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?

Oh yes sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night.... it was wonderful.
 
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