Favorite excuses for missing work:

[Brutuskend]

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.

I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish. I fell off the ladder I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

 

[911paramedic]

I was dreaming about work all night, so if I come in you will have to pay me overtime.

 

[hoihtah]

i just tell my manager that i'm staying home. and she understands. best manager ever.