So,
Theres a girl that I wanted to be with for a long time, but our situations never allowed it. We have known each other for a while, and have had a really nice, friendship style relationship. I hadn't seen her in a few months, and really had been hoping to see her again. Well, the same day I find out I am getting a very lucrative and important contract (dream job) I run into her at Taco Bell. We start talking, discuss our current relationship status, and agree to hook up. We talk a few times after that, then a few fridays ago decide we should hang out. She comes over to my friend Bryans apartment, we hang out for a little while. Then we catch wind of a small bonfire party. Hang out there for a while, then that gets nixxed so we go to another party. We are there for a little while, then a "friend" of mine, Jessica, shows up. She gives everyone a hug, and when she gets to me gives me a hug, but still kind of hangs on lightly after its over. I kind of shrugged her off, and continued talking to someone else. As I was talking, she grabbed one of my hands and kind of held it for a little while. FYI, she is kind of a flirty ho, but has always been sweet to me, so I try and respect her somewhat. I didnt want to make a scene, and be like "wtf are you holding my hand for" instead I just kind of let it happen for a few seconds before turning to her with an inquisitive look. I'm used to her being flirty (to everyone) so I thought she was just being drunk and didn't think much of it.
Anyways, as I turn to jessica, I see Nicki (the girl I am really interested in) staring at us. So I immediately yanked my hand away. Anyways, right after this happened, Bryan, my friend, asked me to take him somewhere (his uncle committed suicide that night) so he could have a few drinks with someone in his family. He asked me to be his DD. I told Nicki I would be back in like 15 minutes or asap. As I am getting ready to pull away, Jessica comes up to the car and askes if she can ride along to finish talking to Bryan about his situation. I didn't see a problem with it.
So we get to the bar, and after a few minutes, bryan and his cousin agree that they want to head back to the cousins apartment. So I drop them off there, and start heading back to the party. What I didn't realize, is that I was about to be assaulted with a plethora of lust inducing statements from girl that is pretty damn attractive(and always had a bit of fantasy for). We were always friends, able to hang out without messing around, so I didn't even expect that this night was any different. I was wrong. As soon as Bryan and his cousin leave the car, Jessica starts telling me about how she is getting older, and realizing mistakes she has made and people she has hurt, and how she has always loved me and had a crush on me, and that now that she is more mature, how she can appreciate me, etc. But while she was doing this, was kissing on my neck and face, etc.
Here is how I got my head played with. I haven't been in a serious relationship for about 4 years. I have dated several women/girls, but nothing ever panned out. The last relationship I was in was very shady. The girl made me fall in love with her, but was cheating on me the entire time. Once I found out, I walked right out the door. Its been hard for me to let myself feel that way about anybody in a long time. That night with Nicki, pre Jessica, I was really starting to feel alot of chemistry, as Nicki and I have always liked each other, but never had the chance to explore the real possiblity of a loving relationship. Anyways, I finally let myself open up to that possibility that night. However, before I could relate my feelings to Nicki, Jessica showed up and pounced on the window I had opened for Nicki in my head. Anyways, Jessica was basically saying things along the lines of what I was expecting to tell Nicki that night. So, at first, I started going with Jessica, in that I started to kiss her back out of pure passion. I didn't want Jessica at all, but she somehow played with my head that night and got me to slip. I eventually had to push her away and said it was too strange and something wasn't right. This happened right as we were showing back up to the party. Anyways, just as I was getting ready to get out of the car, Jessica grabbed me and kissed me again. Nicki saw it. As soon as I walk in, Nicki's friend tell's me about how much of a creep I am and that I am cut off from her for good. I tried talking to Nicki, who looked like she was going to cry out of fury, and she wouldnt even look at me. She left shortly after w/o saying anything.
I tried calling her that night. I tried calling the next day. And the day after, and the day after. Now, I am accepting that there probably isnt a chance in hell that she will speak to me. After about 3 weeks, I tried calling her again, to no avail. Later that night, I get a call from "ryan" her supposed boyfriend......
Anyways, the point is. I really like girl, still do, and care for her greatly. I'll go as far to say that I am in love with her, but the moral of my story is, even though my intention was never to hurt her, to cheat on her, or anything like that, I let it happen inadvertently, but I still let it happen. I hurt her. Even though my intent was to court her and make her happy and be a good faithful boyfriend, it didn't matter. THe devil still bit me. What Nicki saw is that I am giving her all these positive vibes, then all of a sudden, another girl is in the picture, we are holding hands, then a few minutes later we bail out. Then we get back, and she sees Jessica kiss me. So Nicki has no choice to think that I just straight up hooked up with another girl right in front of her. I didn't want it, but I still let it happen and look that way. I tried to explain it, but how things played out speak to loudly.
Man, you really don't know what you have until its gone. We had so much in common. We related so well. We were so comfortable around each other. It was great. But I focked it all up. I've never felt suicidal before, but its pretty tough now...... I really liked her, and when she put her heart on the table for me, I broke it. I can't help but feel like I was reaching out to an angel, but just as we were about to touch hands, the devil's snake wrapped around me and pulled back into this hell on earth. and I'm left with nothing.
Theres a girl that I wanted to be with for a long time, but our situations never allowed it. We have known each other for a while, and have had a really nice, friendship style relationship. I hadn't seen her in a few months, and really had been hoping to see her again. Well, the same day I find out I am getting a very lucrative and important contract (dream job) I run into her at Taco Bell. We start talking, discuss our current relationship status, and agree to hook up. We talk a few times after that, then a few fridays ago decide we should hang out. She comes over to my friend Bryans apartment, we hang out for a little while. Then we catch wind of a small bonfire party. Hang out there for a while, then that gets nixxed so we go to another party. We are there for a little while, then a "friend" of mine, Jessica, shows up. She gives everyone a hug, and when she gets to me gives me a hug, but still kind of hangs on lightly after its over. I kind of shrugged her off, and continued talking to someone else. As I was talking, she grabbed one of my hands and kind of held it for a little while. FYI, she is kind of a flirty ho, but has always been sweet to me, so I try and respect her somewhat. I didnt want to make a scene, and be like "wtf are you holding my hand for" instead I just kind of let it happen for a few seconds before turning to her with an inquisitive look. I'm used to her being flirty (to everyone) so I thought she was just being drunk and didn't think much of it.
Anyways, as I turn to jessica, I see Nicki (the girl I am really interested in) staring at us. So I immediately yanked my hand away. Anyways, right after this happened, Bryan, my friend, asked me to take him somewhere (his uncle committed suicide that night) so he could have a few drinks with someone in his family. He asked me to be his DD. I told Nicki I would be back in like 15 minutes or asap. As I am getting ready to pull away, Jessica comes up to the car and askes if she can ride along to finish talking to Bryan about his situation. I didn't see a problem with it.
So we get to the bar, and after a few minutes, bryan and his cousin agree that they want to head back to the cousins apartment. So I drop them off there, and start heading back to the party. What I didn't realize, is that I was about to be assaulted with a plethora of lust inducing statements from girl that is pretty damn attractive(and always had a bit of fantasy for). We were always friends, able to hang out without messing around, so I didn't even expect that this night was any different. I was wrong. As soon as Bryan and his cousin leave the car, Jessica starts telling me about how she is getting older, and realizing mistakes she has made and people she has hurt, and how she has always loved me and had a crush on me, and that now that she is more mature, how she can appreciate me, etc. But while she was doing this, was kissing on my neck and face, etc.
Here is how I got my head played with. I haven't been in a serious relationship for about 4 years. I have dated several women/girls, but nothing ever panned out. The last relationship I was in was very shady. The girl made me fall in love with her, but was cheating on me the entire time. Once I found out, I walked right out the door. Its been hard for me to let myself feel that way about anybody in a long time. That night with Nicki, pre Jessica, I was really starting to feel alot of chemistry, as Nicki and I have always liked each other, but never had the chance to explore the real possiblity of a loving relationship. Anyways, I finally let myself open up to that possibility that night. However, before I could relate my feelings to Nicki, Jessica showed up and pounced on the window I had opened for Nicki in my head. Anyways, Jessica was basically saying things along the lines of what I was expecting to tell Nicki that night. So, at first, I started going with Jessica, in that I started to kiss her back out of pure passion. I didn't want Jessica at all, but she somehow played with my head that night and got me to slip. I eventually had to push her away and said it was too strange and something wasn't right. This happened right as we were showing back up to the party. Anyways, just as I was getting ready to get out of the car, Jessica grabbed me and kissed me again. Nicki saw it. As soon as I walk in, Nicki's friend tell's me about how much of a creep I am and that I am cut off from her for good. I tried talking to Nicki, who looked like she was going to cry out of fury, and she wouldnt even look at me. She left shortly after w/o saying anything.
I tried calling her that night. I tried calling the next day. And the day after, and the day after. Now, I am accepting that there probably isnt a chance in hell that she will speak to me. After about 3 weeks, I tried calling her again, to no avail. Later that night, I get a call from "ryan" her supposed boyfriend......
Anyways, the point is. I really like girl, still do, and care for her greatly. I'll go as far to say that I am in love with her, but the moral of my story is, even though my intention was never to hurt her, to cheat on her, or anything like that, I let it happen inadvertently, but I still let it happen. I hurt her. Even though my intent was to court her and make her happy and be a good faithful boyfriend, it didn't matter. THe devil still bit me. What Nicki saw is that I am giving her all these positive vibes, then all of a sudden, another girl is in the picture, we are holding hands, then a few minutes later we bail out. Then we get back, and she sees Jessica kiss me. So Nicki has no choice to think that I just straight up hooked up with another girl right in front of her. I didn't want it, but I still let it happen and look that way. I tried to explain it, but how things played out speak to loudly.
Man, you really don't know what you have until its gone. We had so much in common. We related so well. We were so comfortable around each other. It was great. But I focked it all up. I've never felt suicidal before, but its pretty tough now...... I really liked her, and when she put her heart on the table for me, I broke it. I can't help but feel like I was reaching out to an angel, but just as we were about to touch hands, the devil's snake wrapped around me and pulled back into this hell on earth. and I'm left with nothing.
