My hypothesis:  You really did buy a "masturbator", but your wife/gf got the emailed receipt.  As she's gearing up to flip out on you hardcore style, you hurriedly whip up this harebrained story about identity theft, and post to ATOT to gain credibility with your wife/gf, given that she's probably looking over your shoulder every minute that you're on the internet now.
So my question is:  What are you going to do with the damned thing when it shows up via UPS ground to your wife/gf's work later this week?