Extremely depressed...

[idNut]

Yep, I KNEW I shouldn't have posted here. Everyone gang beats me on everything I say and it lowers my self-esteem even lower. Just when I think I can do something right, WRONG. Just when I think I've found talent, WRONG. Things aren't nearly as easy as you guys portray them to be. I tried wearing a happy face around and changing my attitude but nothing happened, I just felt more and more sad. So I won't talk to this forum again because it's obvious that after 379 posts my welcome (if it ever existed) is now worn out.

Hurray, idNut will be no longer be. No longer will you have to hear my imitations of writing, worthless opinions, and stupidity made into words. You have won your war and beaten me to a pulp. I am amongst you kicking at him on the ground.

 

[TallBill]

Originally posted by: idNut
Yep, I KNEW I shouldn't have posted here. Everyone gang beats me on everything I say and it lowers my self-esteem even lower. Just when I think I can do something right, WRONG. Just when I think I've found talent, WRONG. Things aren't nearly as easy as you guys portray them to be. I tried wearing a happy face around and changing my attitude but nothing happened, I just felt more and more sad. So I won't talk to this forum again because it's obvious that after 379 posts my welcome (if it ever existed) is now worn out.

Hurray, idNut will be no longer be. No longer will you have to hear my imitations of writing, worthless opinions, and stupidity made into words. You have won your war and beaten me to a pulp. I am amongst you kicking at him on the ground.

grr.. your taking it the wrong way. its not kicking you into the ground. The thing is, my word or opinion shouldn't even matter to you. perhaps you decide that you want a peanut butter sandwich right now. skip into your kitchen singing some marvin gaye and forget everything else thats going on. Do something to get your mind off of things for a while. Writing is a good form to get it out of your system, but a journal would probably work better to include personalization you can focus on, but perhaps leads you to dwell on your situation.

 

[JimmyEatWorld]

Originally posted by: idNut
Yep, I KNEW I shouldn't have posted here. Everyone gang beats me on everything I say and it lowers my self-esteem even lower. Just when I think I can do something right, WRONG. Just when I think I've found talent, WRONG. Things aren't nearly as easy as you guys portray them to be. I tried wearing a happy face around and changing my attitude but nothing happened, I just felt more and more sad. So I won't talk to this forum again because it's obvious that after 379 posts my welcome (if it ever existed) is now worn out.

Hurray, idNut will be no longer be. No longer will you have to hear my imitations of writing, worthless opinions, and stupidity made into words. You have won your war and beaten me to a pulp. I am amongst you kicking at him on the ground.

You evidently find peace from shutting everyone out, and taking everyone's caring and criticism as nothing but antagonism, but as things progress, you'll find shutting everyone out less and less rewarding. And you don't have to put on an act or a "smile" either, thats all stupid too. Noone said you had to like everybody or even pretended you like everybody, besides you were obviously doing a poor job of it, just stop worrying about haveing your feelings validated, and start just doing whatever, and experience something other than people...the people, the right people, will come to you.

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: idNut

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
To vomit up a stomachful of half-digested negativity and use that as the palette from which to paint your rather eloquent essay is indeed more or less a guarantee of an involuntary visit to a counselor, but philosophical meanderings aside, why do you feel this way? Engaging in the intellectual quest for profound meaning to your existence is a self-defeating task, given that at present there is no knowable answer other than "there just isn't any"; one must look elsewhere for enlightenment. You may not be here to fulfill a grand purpose, and you are almost certainly not here to jump through hoops like some circus animal only to be later judged on your performance to determine the nature of your "afterlife". You are simply here, like it or not, along with others both like and unlike you, and the only thing you can do if you wish to retain your center of awareness is to make the best of it. So take pleasure in the little things that make you happy, and be considerate of those others you come into contact with who are in the same boat.

Impressive insight, my psychologist couldn't reach a depth of that magnitude. That is what my dad said about that paper; it's just vomit. The main point is that I just don't think I want to be around anymore and it truly is only a matter of time before I do something about that. Why I'm telling you this is probably just my apathy of holding things in anymore. "Just old humanity, ready to tear the world down on its head"

Your dad's right; your diction and grammar are intentionally opaque, concealing unfocused thoughts and the fact that your ideas never really gel to form a coherent structure. Your paragraphs bounce from existentialism to religion and back without building the case for suicide. To write a really effective essay on this topic, you not only need to explain why you want to leave this world, you need to shake the reader into questioning his or her own cherished beliefs and perhaps consider following you into oblivion.

Why are you so hard on yourself? Neither you nor I can answer the same questions that have plagued philosophers for millenia, but I don't see that as reason to simply give up. Perhaps we are not all that significant in the grand scheme of things; perhaps if I had never existed, the entire world would never notice. On the other hand, the sun will come up in a few hours, and when it shines through my living room window, its warmth will feel good on a chilly morning.

 

[TallBill]

On the other hand, the sun will come up in a few hours, and when it shines through my living room window, its warmth will feel good on a chilly morning.

A single tear has dripped from my eye , well said chief, well said.. and when that sun comes up and the birds start chirping, i know my lazy ass needs to hit the pillow And that my friend, will feel even better

 

[Whisper]

Your use of those words (and I KNOW you made conscious effort to sound like you did) was very contrived. That's all I was referring to.

Come on man, he's in high school...who DIDN'T sound contrived in at least a handful of their english papers back then? It's not that he doesn't have his own style, it's just that he hasn't grown into and accepted it yet to the point where he's comfortable expressing it. Different people reach that point at different times in their lives. I will say that he's a helluva lot more literate than many people I've run across in my english classes here in college...some of which were for english majors.

And now getting back to the poster: look man, it's obvious that you're feeling pretty damn bad. It's also obvious that you had some sort of reason for posting your work on here. Maybe part of you knows that you've been told your writing ability is above average, and so you hoped to garner some praise from a techie-ladden bulletin board with that essay. Or perhaps it was your own lil version of a cry for help; a way of having some faceless, nameless poster cry out GOOD GOD MAN, DON'T DO IT! Who knows, I surely don't. I'm having enough trouble trying to figure my girlfriend out, and I've known her a lot longer than you.

In the end, you can't rely on anyone beyond yourself to give your life meaning. You want to be happy? Well dammit, make yourself happy. No one can do it for you, and no one should have to. We all need to vent sometimes, and we all need someone to offer a different perspective, a different insight when we're being blinded by pain, sadness, or some really freakin' bright light. But if you have to resort to external measures, scales, and words of praise to increase your own contentedness, then you're never gonna be REALLY unpissed off. So sit back for a bit, decide what it is that's turned you into such a cheerful fellow, and devote yourself to a course of action; don't just resign to focusing on all the shite-ness in the world, or in your world at least. Hell, if everything around you sucks, then move or make it better. It all comes down to you.

 

[Kyle]

hmm, I was going to say it was a very well written paper...I sure as hell couldnt write like that in highschool...or now for that matter....

 

[gopunk]

uh why's it so unbearable that you're meaningless? big whoop.

 

[Xenon14]

Failure doesn't justify suicide. Failure to attempt does. A smoker who wants to smoke, but also wants to want not to smoke, and attempts to quit that habit is a better person than one who merely goes along with his initial desires. Thoughts/ideas/morals elevate us beyond animalistic instincts. Even if the smoker failed to quit the habbit, his attempt shows a higher level of will power; the ability to exercise free will, the ability to better oneself. If you think that there is something intrinsically wrong with the world, then you will never be happy. You need to realize that the world is what we make of it. It is up to you to you to make an impact on others and yourself.

If you had succeeded at all the things that you've tried, do you think you'd be happier than you are now; happy that life offers no challenges? Would the word 'gratification' exist within your mind?

More importantly, don't shy away from constructive criticism. And don't confuse it with mindless viputerations thrown your way. Your writing has a flavor of intellect with an equal dose of irrationality. You think far enough to justify your depression, but not far enough to do anything about it.

 

[Lovepig]

"I'm having enough trouble trying to figure my girlfriend out, and I've known her a lot longer than you."

How did you find out that he's 'known' your girlfriend at all? She was supposed to keep that quiet!!

--------------------------------
There is an old man who walks the beach every morning rain, sun, hot, or cold. After really big storm there were often hundreds of star-fish washed up on the shore. They would eventually die of suffocation, but that was part of the natural cycle.

One morning after a particularly bad storm, we was walking his usual route along the beach and he noticed a rythmic movement further down the beach. As he got closer he could make out a small girl. It looked like she was dancing back and forth along the edge of the water. When he finally got to her he could tell she wasn't dancing, she was pickingup starfish and running up to the water and throwing them back into the water.

He asked her why she was doing trying to save the starfish. "It's hopeless. There are hundreds. You cannot possibly saved them all!" The little girl stopped and thought for a minute. He felt quilty for ruining her innocence and bliss as he saw the sad look cross her face and she turned walking slowly away. Then suddenly she stopped, bent over and picked-up another starfish. She hesitantly walked back to the water and threw it as far as she could. She then turned to the man and admitted, "You're right Mr. I there is no way I can make a difference for all these starfish... but for THAT one, I did!"
-----------------------------------------

There are alot of people in real life. You can't possibly make a difference to them all. But there are some out there that you will make all the difference to the world for. And some you may not even know about - at that time, or ever! Go and make a differnce for those you can. Or walk away feeling sad because there are many you can't help. Your choice...

 

[Goosemaster]

"BS"

That is what some family friends told me the last time they saw me.

Here's why:

1. Life has no meaning. If you think about it, this statment can either easily be proven correct or incorrect. If you find no meaning, find one. You'd be surprised as to how easy it is and how long it will keep you busy(your entire life hopefully). Life ITSELF might not have a meaning, but think of how long you'll live. 40 perhaps 60, 70 years..more even. After that you WILL be dead regardless of how long you'll live. Why not at least do something while you are here? TO better the world or just yourself doesn't matter..

2. God. You choose what you want to believe. Religion, in my opinion, is to remind you that there is more than yourself, and that it should be respected.

3. You aren't happy. You aren't sad. You ARE confused. Just as most everyone doubts themselves at least once in life. From this, hopefully, one reaches maturity and developes self-confidence. Depression is just a lack of this confidence, and it will thrive unless you attempt to achieve it. Those who thrive in life are confident,

4. BS. Cut the crap. In youth you learn to BS. School CRAFTS the perfect lier. Stop it. The only way to get anywhere and never have any bottled-up problems for you to revisit is to live honestly.


By the way, these are very blunt for your situation, so I really don't expect you to read a damn of this and take it seriously.
Just remember that I too work an eloquent, articulate, legth and emotion-filled paper just as you have done, not to mention how long-winded mine Were(okay so I wrote more than one:roll . Search back and you will find mine. Your rant here is nothing new. Mine wasn't wither.

Just think about them at least.

I will tell you that I am much more relaxed that I sat down and thought about all this in detail.


You only have so much time.....what not set high standards for those that will follow.


Oh yes, may I be the second one to encourage writing, as you seem quite good at it.

 

[Moonbeam]

Here's a saved post for a similar occasion; hope it has some relevance for you:

I really should have a stock saved answer to this question because I'm sort of tired rewriting the same thing all the time. In fact let me look. I wrote this last night in response to a PM:

"Well I know that story. (What would happen if you lost the most important things to you) What happened to me was that I was a wise guy. I wanted to know the truth. I believed in God and I wanted to prove He existed to everybody so they would try to be good. I wanted so so much for there to be happiness and beauty and everlasting life and a reward for good. So I set out to prove the good and I found out that there's nothing, no truth, no answer, no reward, nothing but the cold benign indifference of the universe. My live went black, empty, hopeless. I could barely breath. I was a walking mass of pain. Came across Zen. Not a tile above or a place to put your foot. But they were smiling. WTF WTF's with the smile. In the middle of the night pondering over this, the wind hit the house, mind stopped, and my heart, my heart, my forgotten heart came back to me.

You know the Zen story, the one about the guy chased over a cliff by a tiger. He's hanging on for dear life (to his opinions ) and below there's another tiger. Muscles tiring he sees a strawberry growing on the cliff. He plucked it and it tasted so good.

For what I know, not much, I paid with every thing I valued. You are not your opinions, you are a chimpanzee full of piss and vinegar."

Well that's a brief version of my story. I KNEW that I would never be happy. I knew it with all my being, er, except for the part I hadn't been since I was small. A blast of wind turned me inside out. I have never suffered since and it's been a while. Now there was this instant change that revolutionizes your understanding, but you remain, in many ways the same. I am still unconscious of all my feelings and have had some opportunities to explore them. I can tell you that sadness, depression is suppressed rage, and rage is a defense against feeling hurt. We are up against a powerful opponent, the desire not to know, not to remember. I have seen people collapse into their feelings and I have done it. You cannot imagine the quantity of rage that is buried or the enormity of pain and hurt and grief that lies below. To tap into that, to know the fastness of suffering we experienced that for us today would make us laugh, did make me laugh is like bleeding lava out of a volcano. The relief is staggering. At our core we are joy. I met a man who had been down all the way. He was a sun.

Now there is another issue that must be carefully considered. I can't say for sure that all feelings of unhappiness are purely psychological in nature. You may have chemical depression and could greatly benefit, be enlightened by anti-depressant drugs. You should, in my opinion, at any rate get yourself evaluated by a professional. I thought of death many times in them days. I'm glad I didn't take that route. We have been made to feel bad and there isn't anything wrong with us at all. The one exception may be the chemical thing. Don't know if it's cause or effect, but that one may be easy to check and treat.

 

[Xionide]

dear what your face:

you may feel that your shockwave is small but you dont know we could have nuclrear war without you. everything you have ever done has changed everything for everyone around you, a handshake can simply change someones life forever, the things you buy the people you see is all connected, the second you were born and ate one thing everybody on the planet was effected EVERYONE maybe by just the smallest amount of money it costed you the penny you dropped the person you wived to and do not remember, we are all part of this world and the only thing that creates meaning for this life is how we live it not what we see of the future or past. the universe or anything, its that you do what you feel will make you happy. if your heart is not in school then you have a choice drop out or push yourself whatever happens whatever you do we will all be affected

 

[novon]

It's simple, you can't rationalize it, the paradox is if you let it go then you get it. Take a step back and approach life with an empty mind. And remember, your reality is a direct result of the thoughts you have. Face the fact that you are a creator, and that all your thoughts and actions are helping create a bigger reality.

 

[lilFajita]

idNut,

Many of the people who have posted here thought your essay was good, and I did too. There are some excellent parts that will stick with me, and god knows I could write nothing of this caliber in high school. People will always critizes...but its like the story of the teacher who gives bad grades to the best kid in class: when there is potential, people push even harder.

idNut...the questions and thoughts you have had are ones that travel through the minds of many many people. This world is hard to comphrend. Its so hard to believe, when you are downtrodden, that your existence really makes any difference at all- much less a good one. I wish I could provide some higher level of comfort, but all I can say is "I understand" and hope that you are seeking the help you need to clear your mind. I thought your writing was awesome, and it's something you can focus your energy into producing and improving.

In the end, faith has to come from yourself...you can't derive it from friends, family, or ATOTers. The challenge in this life is figuring out how to do that. Its not easy, but it's neccessary, especially when circumstance has given you seemingly debilitating obstacles.

PM me if you ever need to talk/write more. You have to believe.

 

[her209]

werd

 

[poopaskoopa]

You need to stop listening to Linkin Park(or NIN, etc...) and not let yourself drawn in the sea of self-pity. I'm glad you're bothered by your chemistry grade, but later on(and probably soon), it will become more important to get better at the things in which you excel. Suck it up and try to do well in chemistry.

 

[navylinux]

idNut.
I thought is was pretty welll written. Much better then I could have done. I am in the Navy, and am included in the current build up in the Persian gulf. I was supposed to be home in Jan. Won't make it home till March or April now. I could possibly be gone from my family for 9 months. I feel more sorry for them, in that they will have missed me being around for the holidays. That time of the year is supposed to be spent with families. I had to spend it with my Navy Family out here in Perth Australia.
Learn to recognize your feelings, and then find ways to make them help you through life. It is easy to become depressed out here on the ship. But we have to focus on our jobs, and what we are sent here to do. We may not actually pull the trigger, but we all on the ship here are part of the sword.
Have fun in school, and then move on to bigger and better things.
Good Luck

Navy

 

[Analog]

Obviously you are a gifted individual. I would start by giving thanks for the things you have, and not dispair over the things you do not have. What are you thankful for? Have you ever thought of that? Look around you and start taking note of these things. Are you healthy? Do you live in a good neighborhood? Do you go to a good school? Do you live in a nice city? Do you live in a country that gives you opportunity? Are you blessed with friends and family? How many people in the world lack these things and are still happy? Being thankful is the first step in acknowledging that you have something to live for and be happy about. It is the foundation that you must build.

 

[edro]

Originally posted by: BlipBlop

OKAY. I feel like fvcking dog sh1t! You happy?

Not happy, but at least I believe you now. Why do you waste your time with the Homerian epic stuff? Why are you trying to be the next Nabakov? You are at that stage where you know some vocabulary yet lack a style with which to write. Your use of those words (and I KNOW you made conscious effort to sound like you did) was very contrived. That's all I was referring to.

Well, you're an @ss. Lets see your writing style. I am sure I could rip it apart as well. You obviously have no skill yourself and find pleasure by judging others.

Lets see some of your writing....bigot.

:|

 

[UNCjigga]

"And now class, for the next assignment I would like you all to write an essay titled 'why I decided to kill myself'...remember extra credit for the most creative suicide notes!"

:Q

 

[Siddhartha]

Don't worry. You will feel better.

 

[lowtech1]

I don't think that you are alone in this. Many before & after you at time it is difficult to understand the "meaning of life".

What you might want to take a look at what you want to do in the near future, and create a goal to get there, join a club or religion. I'm sure that there are many way and situations, but the best that I have experienced is to travel.

I?m sure that there are many article that you could seek that talk about find one meaning of life. But, one that I recalled it the beautiful article from National Geographic magazine from the late 70s early 80s that talk about a man that walk & work a cross America with his dog, and found his mate & life purpose in the early to mid 70s.

Hope that you get better.

 

[idNut]

Well, now I don't know whether to rewrite the entire thing or just turn it in as-is. You've all gotten me to hate it completely but nevertheless, shown me my downfalls that I have overlooked. It's due today (12:30 AM) and I'd prefer to do a complete revision that I am happy with that lacks the garbage you have all pointed out. As you may have seen, I can't take vicious criticism like that but I have learned. However now I am aimed to please everyone which is completely impossible. Because of this post I no longer like any sentence I write.

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: idNut
Well, now I don't know whether to rewrite the entire thing or just turn it in as-is. You've all gotten me to hate it completely but nevertheless, shown me my downfalls that I have overlooked. It's due today (12:30 AM) and I'd prefer to do a complete revision that I am happy with that lacks the garbage you have all pointed out. As you may have seen, I can't take vicious criticism like that but I have learned. However now I am aimed to please everyone which is completely impossible. Because of this post I no longer like any sentence I write.

Good question. If your grade in the class can afford the risk, you might consider turning it in as-is, and compare the instructor's criticism to that of everyone here. That might be illuminating..

However, when it comes to writing, you must develop your own creativity and style, your own voice. You're the one who best knows what you have to say..