English help:TENSE. CAME or HAD COME

[gotsmack]

I'm doing my B-school ethics essay (for admissions) and the last sentence looks funny to me. I think it needs a comma somewhere but I'm not sure.

This essay is VERY important to me. PLEASE give me a hand.

Sentence for review:

When it was time for lunch, I came to the conclusion that...

or

When it was time for lunch, I had come to the conclusion that...

 

[iwearnosox]

It's wrong.

How about:

At lunch I realized the information I received on the job put me in an awkward position, and that it would be unethical for me to make any industry related investments.

 

[gotsmack]

how about:

At lunch I realized the information I receive on the job puts me in an awkward position and that it would be unethical for me to make any industry related investments.

 

[iwearnosox]

I don't think that comma belongs there. I'm tire but it should look something like that.

 

[Savarak]

Originally posted by: gotsmack
how about:

At lunch I realized the information I receive on the job puts me in an awkward position and that it would be unethical for me to make any industry related investments.

i'm not sure you need to include all that information about "at lunch"... just say something like "I know investments in the industry is not ethical due to the disclosure of information.", and just change that into the tense you require for your essay

 

[Alphazero]

Originally posted by: gotsmack

When it was time for lunch, [comma after time expression] I had come to the conclusion, [optional comma before and after clause] that because of the information that I would be exposed to as a result of my job, it would not be fair for me to make any investments in the industry.

 

[gotsmack]

In the essay I talk about my morning and the thoughts going through my head. So I thought it would be good to give the time frame it happened under.

 

[gotsmack]

how about:

At lunch I realized that the information I receive on the job puts me in an awkward position and that it would be unethical for me to make any defense industry related investments.
*****

I don't know if I should use UNETHICAL or NOT FAIR.

my essay starts out with:

If I had to choose one situation in my life that would be used to show the quality of my ethical character, it would be ..

 

[WinkOsmosis]

Why does your sentence have to be so complex? It looks like you're trying to sound smart.

 

[gotsmack]

I can't help it. I studied for the GMAT until my brain was fried now I can't stop writing like this for my essays.

 

[fr]

Originally posted by: gotsmack
I'm doing my B-school ethics essay (for admissions) and the last sentence looks funny to me. I think it needs a comma somewhere but I'm not sure.

This essay is VERY important to me. PLEASE give me a hand.

Sentence for review:

When it was time for lunch I had come to the conclusion that because of the information I would be exposed to as a result of my job, it would not be fair for me to make any investments in the industry.

Well just looking at the original sentence, how about using "came" instead of "had come"?

 

[gotsmack]

I'm going with :

When it was time for lunch, I had come to the conclusion that because of the information that I would be exposed to as a result of my job, it would not be fair for me to make any investments in the industry.

unless someone knows better.

 

[jimmyhaha]

<- B-school = GAY

 

[gotsmack]

Originally posted by: fr

Originally posted by: gotsmack
I'm doing my B-school ethics essay (for admissions) and the last sentence looks funny to me. I think it needs a comma somewhere but I'm not sure.

This essay is VERY important to me. PLEASE give me a hand.

Sentence for review:

When it was time for lunch I had come to the conclusion that because of the information I would be exposed to as a result of my job, it would not be fair for me to make any investments in the industry.

Well just looking at the original sentence, how about using "came" instead of "had come"?

so it is:
When it was time for lunch, I came to the conclusion that...


should it be came or had come

 

[mcurphy]

It looks like too much info to cram into one sentence. Almost a run on. Try splitting it up.

Example:

During lunch, I realized that the information I receive on the job puts me in an awkward position; It would be unethical for me to make any industry related investments.


*English professors like the proper use of a semi colon*

 

[gotsmack]

Originally posted by: mcurphy
It looks like too much info to cram into one sentence. Almost a run on. Try splitting it up.

Example:

During lunch, I realized that the information I receive on the job puts me in an awkward position; It would be unethical for me to make any industry related investments.

That is very good. Thanks.

I'm going to use that unless something better comes along.

 

[mcurphy]

Your welcome...I've been waiting for a good time to get my hundredth post in!

 

[silverpig]

It's bad to use the sh!t I learn at work to, um... uhhhh... aw fvck.