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my gf and i talk bout anything and everything... we were friends for 2 years before we started going out, (been going out for 1 year now).

it takes time to get comfortable with each other but it will happen.
 
you guys just don't have a lot in common.
if the silence doesn't bother you--its not too bad.
but it sounds like it does bother you.
its not impossible to find someone you'll always talk to (even years later)--it happens all the time.
 
Originally posted by: dpopiz
I've been with this girl for about a month and a half and there's still this big problem. I just got back from being with her, so I think I can describe a few examples of the problem now. so I took her to this campus restaurant for lunch (sort of a hippie place) and then we walked around downtown a little. here's the problem: whenever I'm with her, I'm so extremely tense, I can't act like myself at all. and I get the impression that she's being the same way. a lot of times there's just silence and we both try to think of something to say to break it but it just comes out as little weird grunts and such. it's akward because we don't have a lot to say to each other so much of the time. btw I know akward silence means makeout opportunity, and we've taken advantage of that a few times, but most of the time it just seems inappropriate. also, we never talk about our relationship...or anything related to it. I've tried to before, but it doesn't work out. I of course want it to be like I see in movies/tv where the guy and the girl are both really open about their love and can talk to each other casually about it...but is that at all what it's like in real life?
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Wow! I can't believe you've been with her for that long and it's like that. Maybe you guys have nothing in common? You shouldn't have to force it. By nature, I'm not really good with people and aren't that talkative, but when I'm around my bf, I'm talkative and not feeling awkward at all, which I do feel with most strangers)
 
Originally posted by: dpopiz
I of course want it to be like I see in movies/tv where the guy and the girl are both really open about their love and can talk to each other casually about it...but is that at all what it's like in real life?
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dude, no.
 
After you get over the excitement and feel comfortable around her, you'll find yourself talking about your relationship. Whether that is a good thing or not, I'll leave that to you. 😉
 
All I can say is loosen up. I know from experience that even though it's 50% her fault, she'll inevitably one day come to you and say, "You can't open up to me. We never talk about us. I'm sorry, but I don't think this will work."

And then, you'll wish you would have just LOOSENED THE FVCK UP. Trust me.
 
I don't think that there isn't any chemistry, but you both are nervous and not comfortable around each other yet. If there isn't any chemistry you would just act yourself and be comfortable, but you actually like this girl so you're feeling a bit tense and respecting her at the same time. Just relax bro.
 
Here's my perception: It's either of two things.

Either someone's created an atmosphere for the other to feel scared/nervous. In other words, it isn't working well 'cuz it makes the other tensed or nervous. Did she ever reject you, yell at you, or anything close to that nature? Did you ever do something like that to her? If so, that would be the source of the nervousness, even if it happened long time ago. Was there ever a reason for either of you to think that the feeling was not mutual? If so, once again, perhaps it's the source of the nervousness/fear.

On the other hand, both of you may just be strong introverts. Hence, you have a tendency to think your scene and what you want, but you have trouble acting upon it.
 
Originally posted by: luvly
On the other hand, both of you may just be strong introverts. Hence, you have a tendency to think your scene and what you want, but you have trouble acting upon it.
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As much as I hate to admit it, luvly's right - it sounds like you're just really shy. I was like that too, but I realized that unless I starting SAYING things instead of just thinking them, I'd never be able to keep a girl past the "We never talk about us" stage.
 
Did she ever reject you, yell at you, or anything close to that nature? Did you ever do something like that to her? If so, that would be the source of the nervousness, even if it happened long time ago. Was there ever a reason for either of you to think that the feeling was not mutual?
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no, and I think that's part of the problem. I mean that we never argue or disagree or any of that because we both act too polite to each other! that's a big part of the problem. I hate it when I act overly polite to her, because I think it just pushes us farther apart....but she does the same thing. I wish we could argue and stuff like people do naturally.
 
Hum . . .
perhaps you should try talking to her over the phone usally its easier to communicate over the phone as the two of you wonuldnt be distracted by phsyical presence. Then make the trasition from the phone to in person.

As for talking ask her questions but dont be persona. By allowing her to answer simple if not unimportant questions will allow her to feel comfortable speaing with you. I always tend to ask general stuff to get a girl to talk. Usually like where is she from, did she like where she is staying, why or why not she like where she is staying. Nothing personal just questions that they are comfortable with, then tell her a little about yourself where you are from and stuff like that but if she isnt intrested then proceed to ask her more general question. Dig around and you will eventually find something to talk about. It might be a tv series, it might be same type of music, who knows. Then get more elevate the state of question by becoming a little more personal but if she becomes uncomfortable back off and change the subject.

Since your going out with her maybe you can try asking her about the date the two of you went on. She may or may not acutally tell you how she felt but she will open up that way. Plan for a movie . . . watch the movie then go get something to eat and ask her oppinion on the movie. If she dosnt respond smile and say its ok dosnt matter what she thinks. Smile usally can melt ice and let the other person know that whatever they felt is ok to be shared.

Plus girls loves to talk so let them do the talking. Just listen and everything will be fine. And they love it if you can bring up something they said like half an hour ago . . . that means you were attentive to what they were saying.

just my .02 cents.

 
sounds to me that you guys are both trying to be what you think the other wants you to be. In other words, you guys arent being yourselves. There is no easy solution to this, I have been in that situation before. Either you guys can let down your guard and just relax, or its not going to work out.


Oh, and dont forget the old rule: When in doubt, whip it out!
 
Originally posted by: dpopiz
yeah it's definitely easier to communicate over the phone. I mean at first that was hard. AIM is always the easiest, but lately I've been pretty comfortable talking to her on the phone. I guess it's getting better perhaps, but I'm still so nervous and unnatural. actually, when I'm with her, I notice myself trying to sound more intellectual and cultured than I am, which usually just ends up making me sound unromantic and unnatural
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Haha, yeah it sucks when you know what you're doing wrong but you're too shy to fix it, doesn't it?

Honestly - just act around her like you act around your guy friends. Once she sees you lightening up a little, then she'll be able to do the same.
 
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