Do We Stay Together?

[Ornery]

These kids are from previous marriages, right? What's the scoop on the other parents? Are they paying any support etc.? Do they get involved with them?

And piss on anybody that doesn't think you can glean at least a little solid info from a message board. Hell, they're advising that you get counseling. I guess if you take their first advice, you should just blow off the counseling as lame advice from propeller heads too!

 

[springchikun]

Once again, and let's please listen so that I don't have to say this again, I AM NOT HERE TO LET OTHER PEOPLE MAKE THIS DECISION FOR ME! I am not here, to read a couple of responses and then decide based on that alone. I agree that we should both be adults and try to work on this especially since you consider that the problems we have are menial compared to the kids, and that is what I am trying to establish. I am trying to find out if my feelings are correct or if, maybe I am crazy.
I was being sarcastic when I said that the opinion of the people on this site is most valid to him, it was just a joke, but something that I guess only he would understand. You see, one of our probelms is that I feel he spends too much time on the PC and not enough with me and the kids. His response is that what is the point when all we are going to be doing is watching TV, and I agree to a point. I think that if we were to spend more time together we would totally do other things like, read, play games, or just sit and talk, but he thinks that I am full of it and that it would never happen. ANd no I would not base a decision of medical nature on something a Bum said, but if that bum suggested that instead of giving my child, cranberry juice when he has a bladder infection, I should give him, water or o.j., then that is something I could and would consider. I am not putting a whole lot of "stock" in the opinions on here, but I am looking for good relationship advice, IE., tools for growth, communication and the like. I am not on here to just randomly pick some strange person who might have never had a relationship, and let he or she decide the fate of my children and my relationship, but people have some good suggestions. For example, the people on here have all stated that it is better to actually go to counseling rather than read a book. I would have though differently, but I think that the advice is plausable and they have backed it up with reasoning. I am not hearing anyone say that I should do things a certain way because they "said so". ANd if that were the case, I wouldn't even consider the sugestion even if it were valid. I am looking for people who clearly know what they are talking about. And who does have a clue how to maintain a successful relationship? How many people out there have the secret? And if I were to meet one of them on the street, that would make them a stranger right? But what if they knew that secret? What if I told them to p*ss off cause he was a stranger and his opinion means nothing to me because of that? And a church counseling group would be the same deal then right? I mean we have't got a whole lot of money, so we would end up taking advantage of our local churches free counseling groups and none of those people are "certified" or anything. They are the Pastor and the other couples. Sharing experiences and opinions. Is that not the same as here? So since I can't see you that means you haven't got any valid opinions or thoughts?
I agree that two people can get along and deal with their problems. I am the one that wants to work on this relationship, he is the one that isn't interested, or don't think it will work. I can undersatnd his point though, I have been given chances before and I have F**cked it up, and I have some problems with money that has put him and I both into debt. But I have asked him if he loves me and he says it's not about love, and I have asked him what the deal is and he says it's just that we are incompatible, but as this book says, opposites are the best matcha s long as you work on your communication.
As far as how long we "went Out", we were friends for at least three months before we started seeing eachother. We knew things would be fine, until I refused to get a job and made his credit slowly and slowly worse. Then when I got a job, he was still resentful of the things I had done before, and the job didn't really matter since I was still spending like crazy. As far as the kids getting their hearts broken, you are right, this will be tough on them, it will be tough on me as well, since the little boy (mine) had a father that walked out on him already before and this guy is a wonderful Dad. He will still see him on weekends and he will make sure that he knows he is loved, but our little girl ( his) has a mommy and I was just sort of lucky enough to get to see her and be that other parental figure, but since she has a mommy, I don't get to still see her, I don't get to still have her on weekends. It has been made pretty clear that I have no rights to her.
Now, once again, I am not letting anyone make decisions for me. I have few friends since I trust few people, and I have no family that give a S**T except for my mother who is sort if like you, very judgemental and grumpy. Not exactly the person I want to talk with when I feel like I do. I am on here to gain some perspective, get some ideas and maybe be lucky enough to salvage my relationship, the kids' feelings and give he and I a chance to really be together.

 

[oLLie]

Don't get discouraged, I'm sure there are people on this board with similar experiences who can offer you valuable advice. However, I'm not one of them. At least you made this post so you're trying to work it out, hopefully your boyfriend will be willing to work at it too. Give us an update when you can, good luck.

 

[springchikun]

<< These kids are from previous marriages, right? What's the scoop on the other parents? Are they paying any support etc.? Do they get involved with them? >>




Well his little girl, was raised by him for the first year and a half of her life, having hardly ever seen her mother, because the mother wasn't interested. The mother actually tried to put the child up for adoption but my BF was not letting her, and had to track her down, to keep her from doing it. He took the little girl when she was about a week old and gave her back when she was nearly two because he had to get a job that was 24 hours and on call and there was no day care for her. Since she has been back with her mother (incidentally the mother is under 21 and recently had her 3rd kid), she has had stitches, overdosed on sleeping pills, had scaybees for a little under a year, lice numerous times, the sweet little thing cusses worse than a long shoreman and she is three and not poyyt trained. She will come to us and want to take her diaper off and she does just fine when it's off but when she goes home, her mother makes her put it back on. At our house she is well behaved and polite, but at her mothers she is violent, mean disruptive and unresponsive. Her mother feeds her nothing but crackers and chips and the like and it gets so bad that real food has actually made her vomit because she is not used to it.
My little biy is 6 1/2. His father walked out when he was three and ran off withmy best friend to have a kid. They never came to see him, never sent B-Day or Christmas cards and never even aknowledged he existed. His father would and still quits jobs in order to not have to pay child support and recently, when he and his greedy GF found out that I was getting a sizeable settlement, showed interest in him, but when I told them they would get nothing they had nothing to say, and once again, have not even tried to contact us. His father looked him directly in the eye and told him he didn't want him any more, so I have raised him on my own, I had him when I was 15, without welfare and he has turned out beautifully. A smart polite child, with a wonderful sense of humor and innocence that exudes him. When I met my BF we were friends first and we developed into something else. We never made my son call him Dad he just chose to, and now he is exactly like him in every way, he is even starting to resemble him. He is a great dad and we already know that our son will visit him on weekends, but that is hard on him. As for our daughter, It has been made very clear to me that since her other is involved, I have no rights to her. I am devstated by that and I wish that I could change it, but until we can work things out, there is nothing I can do.
Thanks you for the encoraging remarks, I happen to agree with you

 

[Ornery]

Whew, you have a LOT on your plate! :Q

My first reaction when I read the topic, is that you've had too many falling outs in such a short period for anything to come of this. In other words, I didn't think things could work out for you in the long run. At this point, I think he'll be making a mistake if he doesn't try and stay together. But if he doesn't make the move in that direction... basically, it doesn't look good. IMO, it's his loss, so take that for what it's worth.

I'm glad you were honest enough to mention the money situation. I think I have a feel for what's going on, both sides of the story. Sounds like the ball is in his court. Take your cue from how he responds. I feel REALLY sorry for his daughter either way... damn.

 

[badluck]

From your response to me it looks like you took about 2 lines out of what I wrote and commented on them. I think you missed a few paragraphs.......Good luck to you.