Do We Stay Together?

[springchikun]

Ok, so I am wondering the opinion of the people on here, because it's the most valid to my Boyfriend. Maybe some people could help me out?

My BF and I have been together for a year and a half. We have kids. He had a beautiful little girl and I have a handsome little boy, both of which are very attatched to each of us. In fact my little boy knows no other dad.
We have had our problems, mostly financial and we have separated before. We got back together, and we "patched" but didn't work on our relationship. We continued to argue and we had a huge fught that resulted in our separation again. I have suggested counseling or that we read a book on communication in relationships, and live apart, that way we can work on "us" without risking fighting in front of the kids. He agreed to this at first and now, isn't even interested in trying. He doesn't think it will work. He thinks that there is nothing that can be learned from a book and that since we have separated before we are doomed. In my opinion, we could easily work out our problems, which we both agree are mostly lack of communication. We love eachother. I am wanting to know some opinions, if I could please. Is he right? Is there nothing we can learn or gain from counseling or a book? Am I right? If we work on our relationship is it possible that it will work, or are we doomed since we separated once before, even though we dind't really try to work things out and we just basically covered them up? I love him and he loves me, no question about it. Any opinions? Suggestions?
I really appreciate it.

 

[AreaCode707]

Any attempt you make to work together for mutual bettering of your communications is going to be some improvement. IMHO, counseling would take you a lot further than a book though. Relationships take extrodinary amounts of effort and if you aren't both willing to put in the effort, it's certainly not going to work. Talk with him about how much work he's willing to put into it and then take him up on his answer. Hopefully, both for you two and for your kids, you can create a stable and happy home. Statistically though, I think the most stable homes come from happily married couples.

 

[Wingznut]

"Any opinions? Suggestions?"

Yeah, I have an excellent suggestion.

GROW UP!!!


This is a msg board based mainly on computer hardware. Not somewhere to seek the advice regarding the future of two children. 99% of the people who will reply to this thread has no qualifications to help you decide on such a decision, let alone based on one paragraph.

I'll bet that well over 80% of the people here have no clue what it's like to raise children.

If you two have really settled on making a decision based on replies in this thread, then I truly feel sorry for your kids.

--John (a parent of two boys.)

 

[MichaelD]

WingznutPEZ,

Good to see you still around. We miss you over in GH....I know that YOU don't miss GH though. Take care.

 

[glenn1]

<< If we work on our relationship is it possible that it will work, or are we doomed since we separated once before, even though we dind't really try to work things out and we just basically covered them up? I love him and he loves me, no question about it. >>



People who love each other and want to be together, no question about it, don't seperate. In my opinion, you pretty much summed it up with your statement, "He agreed to this at first and now, isn't even interested in trying. He doesn't think it will work.'

IMHO, he agreed to give it a 'try' in order to humor you, and for no other reason.... his mind is already made up. Sorry to be so blunt, but i don't like sugar-coating things, and i've seen this exact same situation play itself out far too many times before not to recognize it now, even from your brief narrative.

 

[fatalbert]

I think it is definately worth trying counseling, you have kids which makes this very hard. It isn't fair for the kids if you give up w/out trying

 

[conjur]

Being a typical guy, I never gave counseling much credence. But, after hitting a rather rough spot 3 years ago that lasted pretty much a full year, the Mrs. and I started counseling and still go once in a while. It did wonders to opening my eyes to some things I was doing and not doing (and a little on her side, too). And, right now, we're the best we've been in several years.

Just have to find the right person and stick to it...no delaying/canceling of appts.

Best of luck.

 

[Anghang]

counseling is the way to go...better than books...

sounds like your bf has lost all hope tho...relationships should always be a two way effort, but if its just a one way flow, it makes it even more difficult...

good luck with your situation...

 

[Nutdotnet]

I would say counseling would be much better than books, but you have to remember that you cannot force anyone to do something they do not want to do. If he isn't going to put a genuine effort into it than it will be a waste of time and money for the both of you.

Good Luck! And don't listen to Wingznut, although this may not be the best place to post questions like this you can still get some pretty decent advice here.........

 

[badluck]

I think you need to grow up as well....You are asking for opinions of people you do not even know. When somebody replies, you do not know how old they are, their past experiences or if they have any right giving advice (based on qualifications). You could be getting advice from someone who has never been in your situation and can't relate to your problems. See what I'm getting at? Get off ther internet and talk to someone you trust.

 

[Hammer]

I'm not sure what you mean by that.



<< Ok, so I am wondering the opinion of the people on here, because it's the most valid to my Boyfriend. >>

 

[springchikun]

"I think you need to grow up as well....You are asking for opinions of people you do not even know. When somebody replies, you do not know how old they are, their past experiences or if they have any right giving advice (based on qualifications). You could be getting advice from someone who has never been in your situation and can't relate to your problems. See what I'm getting at? Get off ther internet and talk to someone you trust. "


I am not on here to have other people decide my situation for me. I am on here, because advice is advice no matter where it comes from. I am not going to base my whole relationship on something that someone said in here, but this is a place for ideas and opinions, and since I don't really know that many people, I came here for some ideas. I am at a loss, and people should know, weather replying with some advice or an opinion, that I am going to do what seems best for my kids. I was just looking for some opinions and advice from people who may have gone through it, or are curently going through it. So please, don't be insensetive and rude, I am sure that most people on here, have looked for advice before, or maybe recruited some people for an opinion, and if they haven't, then they should, cause it is a very good way to gain some perspective.

 

[kranky]

All relationships require effort. No couple ever "magically" had a great, life-long relationship without any work.
He wants to be happy, I'm sure.
And if he loves you, he will want your relationship to be a good one, right?

So: since some effort is required, and he wants to be happy, and wants your relationship to be good because he loves you, there's no logical reason NOT to try counseling (or a book, I guess, but counseling would be much better).

If it doesn't work, what have you lost? Nothing.

"Why won't you even try? What's the harm? We're not doomed because we had trouble before - but we will be if we don't put some effort into working out the problems. When this works, our relationship will be better than it ever was. If it doesn't work out, at least we won't be looking back later and kicking ourselves for not even trying."

 

[linuxboy]

I love him and he loves me

AND

He agreed to this at first and now, isn't even interested in trying. He doesn't think it will work. He thinks that there is nothing that can be learned from a book and that since we have separated before we are doomed

Ok. I may be the dumb guy here, but forgive me for saying that those two statements are contradictory.

Love implies an action. It is an active state, a verb. When we love, we give ourselves, we destroy those walls and boundaries that normally limit who we are and we do that which is best. that's what it is to love. It's a state of cooperation and accedence. It's also a state of enjoyment and being. When we love, we do what will enable the love to thrive, grow, and continue and we should be able to give anything to preserve it. Love is like a hidden treasure. Once found, why would one pursposely seek to destroy it? Or when partially squandered, why should one not rebuild?

So I'm having some trouble with this. You claim there is love and then state things which suggest to me that there really is no love. It's either that I'm nuts or that someone else is here. If experience has anything to say, it's probably me.

I would suggest counseling. To do that, your bf needs to remember that there are children involved. When one has children, life is over for the old self. They are wholly dependent on the parent(s). With a bond, there is no justification for breaking it. Rights of abitrary freedom are lost once one has a child.

help me out here though. am I missing something?

Cheers !

 

[FettsBabe]

How old are you, him, and the kids?

 

[Nitemare]

Depends on what you two were fighting over..

Also, it takes two to change, if one person changes entirely for the other, there will be alot of resentment built up there. If he is not willing to try then he doesn't love you as much as you think he does.

Having your child grow up without a dad or a father figure is alot better than having him grow up to see their parents argue and fight on a routine basis. Your deciding for your child and his as well. What's best for them?

 

[NesuD]

I used to feel the same way your boyfriend does. I finally agreed to counseling and my wife and i went for nearly 2 years. It helped us tremendously by allowing each of us to air out the things that were upsetting us to a third party. At the same time the counselor was able to help us see the things that were destroying our relationship so that we could focus on them. The counselor was able to help each of us separately understand the things we were doing wrong with each other. so that we could both be more considerate of each others wishes and feelings. She (the counselor) was able to help us improve our communication so that we now rarely argue but actually listen and consider what each other have to say. I would say my initial resistance to the counselling was a fear that i would be blamed for all of aour problems since that was how it went before counselling. The counselling helped me identify those things but at the same time made my wife realize that she had just as many issues as i did that she needed to work out. Go for the counselling. A book won't help you to be honest with yourself like human will. Keep in mind that you have children depending on both of you and you need to work this out for their sake. What you do will impact them far more than it will you. They need to be the #1 priority for both of you. Good Luck and i sincerely hope it works out for both of you.

Wingznut you insensitive cad! Your eliteness is not showing in this thread.
-Mike (a husband and father of two boys)

 

[springchikun]

<< How old are you, him, and the kids? >>



We are in our 20's and the kids are 6 and 3.

 

[badluck]

<< I am not on here to have other people decide my situation for me. I am on here, because advice is advice no matter where it comes from. I am not going to base my whole relationship on something that someone said in here, but this is a place for ideas and opinions, and since I don't really know that many people, I came here for some ideas. I am at a loss, and people should know, weather replying with some advice or an opinion, that I am going to do what seems best for my kids. I was just looking for some opinions and advice from people who may have gone through it, or are curently going through it. So please, don't be insensetive and rude, I am sure that most people on here, have looked for advice before, or maybe recruited some people for an opinion, and if they haven't, then they should, cause it is a very good way to gain some perspective. >>




Whatever, you just don't get it.....

 

[springchikun]

<< Depends on what you two were fighting over.. >>




We argue primarily over finances. I admit, I am a "spendaholic" and I don't think about consequenses when it comes to that. We are both very dominant people so we have arguments about things that are really dumb. Things that are a difference in opinions, and occasionally we argue about the "big" stuff, like how to punish the kids, and the amount of time one of us does or does not spend with them, or finances. I have agreed that I would benefeit from a Consumer Counseling and have even started the process of consolidating my own bills and have put myself on a strict budget that I have stuck to. In the book I am reading it talks about how couples like he and I, are actually the best kind of couples, meaning that the type ends up happy and feeling fulfilled in their relationship, but none of that matters unless we learn to communicate and accept the differences between us rather than expect our partner to think and act more like us.

 

[springchikun]

<< Whatever, you just don't get it..... >>





So then, explain it to me please.

 

[badluck]

First of all, you come to a technology message board asking for help. You give one side of the story, and want ideas on whether or not things can work based on your side of the story. There are 2 sides of every story. Every person that responds, will base this information on your side of the story. Sure, you might believe that you are absolutely correct on your assumptions, but then again, you could be wrong. So, now you have people you do not even know giving you "advice" that may or may not even be correct.

I don't care if this is one of the million relationships that are doomed between boyfriend and girlfriend, but when you have kids involved, I think you need to be more serious in your approach to solving this problem. Talk directly to your friends and family. Try talking directly to him. If you have to, talk to a marriage counselor, priest, somebody you can trust. Books cannot fully help your problem as well as you do not know if the author is biased, or their past. There are a million books on relationships, and millions of relationships that fail......


You said:



<< Is there nothing we can learn or gain from counseling or a book? Am I right? If we work on our relationship is it possible that it will work, or are we doomed since we separated once before, even though we dind't really try to work things out and we just basically covered them up? I love him and he loves me, no question about it. Any opinions? Suggestions?
I really appreciate it. >>



If you read through this post, you will really find that the questions that you ask cannot be answered from somebody on-line. They can only be answered by the two of you. How can somebody answer these questions? These questions are related to your personal life. Nobody on this message board knows about your habits, tendencies, or lifestyle. We don't know how serious he is about this relationship. We do not know what other problems exist that are not being told. We don't even know how hard he wants to even work on this relationship. We know very little about him, and a little about you. Tough to give good advice based on that.

 

[springchikun]

<< First of all, you come to a technology message board asking for help. You give one side of the story, and want ideas on whether or not things can work based on your side of the story. There are 2 sides of every story. Every person that responds, will base this information on your side of the story. Sure, you might believe that you are absolutely correct on your assumptions, but then again, you could be wrong. So, now you have people you do not even know giving you "advice" that may or may not even be correct. >>





Ok, for one, This is a tech site, but I am not asking this question in a Linux/Windows discussion room, I am asking it in the room I created after seeing other topic such as, "mariah carey at the superbowl" and "my Roommate is moving out" or even "I have severe gas", so please don't try to make me feel stupid by saying that I came here to a tech site and totally tried to change the subject. Now as for the rest of your comments go, you are acting as though whatever the people in here say is what I am planning on doing and that is just not the case. I am looking for different prospective, different opinions, maybe hoping to hear other experiences, and maybe take something from that. I am not asking people I don't know to solve my problem, I am asking for opinions and hoping that maybe someone has been through something similar and can offer some advice.
If you knew either one of our families, you would not tell me to ask them, and as far as not knwing the other side of the story, well it's simple we have been stressed, and we don't communicate. He is discouraged and I am thinking we can make it work. I spend too much money, and he hates that, rightly so, and he spends too much time on his PC and not enough with me. Some of the problems are big and some are small but we both hold equal blame for the most part (maybe I deserve to take more blame than he) but as far as the kids go, we are unsure of what we will do, but I can tell you that those kids are very important to us and will still grow up and be decent human beings, weather or not I come on here and try to get some advice from some other people.

 

[Wingznut]

<< Wingznut you insensitive cad! Your eliteness is not showing in this thread.
-Mike (a husband and father of two boys) >>

To the contrary, I am very concerned about such things. Not so much of the feelings of these two immature parents, but the feelings of the two helpless kids with their emotions being dragged through such a mess. Sure, I didn't sugarcoat anything... But it just irritates the hell out of me, how people will juggle kids around like that. Why these two decided to mesh two families together, without being 100% sure it's stable, is beyond me. Now when they break up, you are going to have two kids that have to go through the emotional train wreck again. More than likely doomed to repeat it when they grow up.

badluck brought up some excellent points, so I won't rehash those. But I do agree wholeheartedly with him/her.


"so I am wondering the opinion of the people on here, because it's the most valid to my Boyfriend"

The opinions of the people here, regarding the fate of your children is "most valid" to your boyfriend? What a schmuck! Tell him to sack up, be a man, and take care of his family. Btw, that goes for you too.


""I am not on here to have other people decide my situation for me. I am on here, because advice is advice no matter where it comes from."

Completely not true. I wouldn't count on medical advice from a used car salesman. I wouldn't count on landscaping advice from my 4-year old son. And I certainly wouldn't put any stock in relationship advice from a forum, based on one paragraph of information. You are getting advice from someone you have no idea about. (No offense, fatalbert... but today you have volunteered as an example. ) Has fatalbert ever had kids? Has fatalbert ever had a lasting relationship? Does he/her have any clue what it takes to maintain a successful relationship?

Who knows? Yet you are using said info as a catalyst for a life decision. If if were your own life we were dealing with, then I couldn't give a rat's @ss. But you have two little kids who's future weighs heavily on your problems and how you choose to deal with them.


"Having your child grow up without a dad or a father figure is alot better than having him grow up to see their parents argue and fight on a routine basis. "

Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't the parents grow up, quit being so damn selfish and self-absorbed, and make a home for these children? Any two people can get along, as long as they want to put in the effort.

I wonder how long you two "went out" before he moved in and your son got attached to him. I'd be willing to bet a ton of money that it wasn't very long. Even 18 months isn't long enough to get to know well enough to bring your child into the frey. (Obviously.)

Maybe next time you choose a boyfriend, you can do a better job with your decisions before you bring him into your son's life. Maybe next time you'll care enough about his little heart, as to not break it to bits over money.

And according to your brief descriptions, that's what it boils down to, doesn't it? You meet a guy. The children get attached. You guys fight about money. The kids' get their little hearts smashed to bits. All they can do is ride out the storm that you two have caused.

Doesn't sound very fair to me.

 

[Idex]

Go to counseling