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Divorce

T

ThunderGirl

Senior member
I am not getting into details. But would like any suggestions from divorced people on how to explain to small children that one parent no longer lives in a home. I am having troubles excepting the fact my husband is really going to divorce me he has been gone a month now. Before he has always changed his mind. If I can't even understand fully how can I tell my kids 3,2,1 and a new baby on the way after it is born?

Please only serious advice. I don't think I could handle right now all the jokes and slams people do on here to each other.

Thanks.🙁
 
ThunderGirl, I can't offer any advice, but I do offer my condolonces 🙁
 
Originally posted by: ThunderGirl
I am not getting into details. But would like any suggestions from divorced people on how to explain to small children that one parent no longer lives in a home. I am having troubles excepting the fact my husband is really going to divorce me he has been gone a month now. Before he has always changed his mind. If I can't even understand fully how can I tell my kids 3,2,1 and a new baby on the way after it is born? Please only serious advice. I don't think I could handle right now all the jokes and slams people do on here to each other. Thanks.🙁
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Sorry I've never been in the situation with kids but hang in there - sounds like hell. 🙁
 
You could take the path taken by most parents and lie. Tell them he died, goes to work very far away or something. He WILL visit them, right?! He better. He should love his children too, and so he should be in on it. As they get older, explain it to them.
 
How old are they first? I would really recommend sitting down with them, and explaining that mommy and daddy won't be together anymore. That they both still love their children very much, and they both want the best for them. And remember, I know how easy it can be to sound bitter, but do not let your kids hear that, it only hurts the kids in the long run. We have to be so careful, that we watch what we say in front of our kids. If you need to rant, come here, we don't mind. I'm going through one myself, so we can commiserate. And hey, keep your chin up, things will get better for you. It may take a while, but they will.
 
Originally posted by: Kelvrick
You could take the path taken by most parents and lie. Tell them he died, goes to work very far away or something. He WILL visit them, right?! He better. He should love his children too, and so he should be in on it. As they get older, explain it to them.
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As of right now he is not visiting or calling them, he is busy w/ work and dealing with issues of his own he tells me. But he says he will try and call more and he misses and loves them. Usually we have to call and leave a message or email him to get him to call at all. I begged over a week ago for him to keep them for just an hour so I could go to Wal-Mart.

I have been saying daddy is visiting friends or is at work. My 3 yr old doesn't buy it anymore she says then lets go get daddy. The 2 yr old brings me my shoes and purse.

He has no suggestions and I don't know any divorced people to ask them how they handled it. I was hoping to find someone here. I can't be the only mom of 3 little ones and pregnant whose husband left them LOL (I HOPE)
 
God that sucks. I don't know how I would approach such a sensitive topic like that. It would be like saying "Daddy doesn't love mommy anymore," that's bad juju. 🙁
 
Thunder, I went through this with a step-daughter....I can't imagine leaving my two kids now..

Tell her like it is...that Daddy doesn't live at home anymore.

It also sounds like you need some help, either from friends or family, in getting things done. You can't rely on him to watch the kids so you can go to Wal-Mart or elsewhere..find a good sitter, friend, or sister/brother who can help you. If you don't live near them, seriously consider moving. It isn't realistic for you to have to do everything by yourself, not with 3 kids and another on the way.

Finally, make sure you get child support payments from him. I'm not telling you not to work or whatever, but you are legally entitled to get child support payments from him, and with the cost of daycare, it may in fact be better for you to just stay home with the kids. Don't be afraid of getting assistance from programs like WIC either.
 
Don't be afraid of getting assistance from programs like WIC either.
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, Yes ThunderGirl, NeoV is 100% correct in this post, well fed children is more more important that pride. Remember, we [al least here in the US as that's the country where I live] pay taxes to help each other or ourselves to make life more pleasant and that our children are protected and cared for.
 
Thanks, Sadly to say we already were on WIC, Food Stamps, and getting Medical Assistance. I have put in an application for low income housing hoping that I won't have to also make the girls move during this already stressful time.

I have not done anything on the child support..Well I have the papers and filled them out but I keep hoping we can work something out ourselves.
 
I've always hated the thought of my children being orphaned, while one parent leaves. I hated the thought so much that I stayed in a marriage for 25 years. Soon my wife and I will settle the score, but now while OUR daughter is home, we will be together. I have no advice to offer, but I guess I've always lived for them, not me.
 
Originally posted by: compuwiz1
I've always hated the thought of my children being orphaned, while one parent leaves. I hated the thought so much that I stayed in a marriage for 25 years. Soon my wife and I will settle the score, but now while OUR daughter is home, we will be together. I have no advice to offer, but I guess I've always lived for them, not me.
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Guess that is part of the problem I always have put them first. I admit I put them first usually but not always. Anyhow if you don't want to be married how do you make it work so your children don't see fighting and you nor your wife feel left out or neglected or is that not an issue?
 
Sadly? No, that is proudly. Your doing WHATEVER it takes to ensure your children are taken care of, and that says alot about a person. Heck, I used to be on Wic etc etc. I worked a crap factory job, said screw it, got on WIC n all the other stuff, went to college, now? Well, I surely dont need Wic. But, I'd be happy to know that SOME of my tax money went to help YOU, and also people like you.
Just keep your head up, and while I cant give advice, I can tell you what my parents did when they divorced. My mom was always, ALWAYS, honest with me. She would sit down and explain stuff without lying, in the simplest terms she could. She said, mom and dad wont be living together. That was it. Honesty is the best, because it shows your kids you trust them to handle the truth.
Like I said, do what you have to do, and keep you head up.
 
Sorry to hear things haven't gotten any better for you and your kids!

I wish I could offer you more advice than I have already, but sadly I can't.

Hang in there...
 
first of all stop having kids 3,2,1, especially with that good-for-nothing deadbeat.

my parents are divorced, hope your kids dont end up hating u and the deadbeat when they grow up, that'd suck
 
Wow, my best wishes go out to you.

The best thing you can do for your kids (and any relationship) is be honest. Your kids are young so they won't understand. It is up to you to try and help them out. You will be in a lot of pain, and it will be made worse just by talking to them. This is where you will have to be strong for them. Anticipation is usually worse than an act. Do it as quickly as you can.

Let them know that they still have two parents who love them. That nothing will change that. What is going on with their father is unfortunate, but for better or worse he is still their father. Again, they will not understand, and will try and blame themselves. Let them know immediately that it not anything they did or didn't do. You will need to reassure them constantly on this. Probably every day for a while. It is human nature to assess blame on one's self. Let them know that you will need their help and that you are a still a family and a team.

Whether you are tired, mad or sick you must never show any anger towards your husband in front of them. Not on the phone or in person. Children are very sensitive to this. You have every right to be mad, and this will be very hard.

Very important. Never use your kids as a tool against your husband. Again, this will be very hard. But your children will know that they are a basis of conflict even if they never say so.

In each of us there are incredibly large amounts of hidden strength. We never know until we try just what we are capable of. Now is the time for you to find out. There are resources for you to find. I know you must feel alone in this. But almost everyone has gone through a horrible personal upheaval. Seek out and you will be surprised who may be able to help. Again, my best wishes for you.

 
My parents divorced when I was four. It wasn't until I was about 20 that I realized I have had issues if intamacy since. I have never been able to get very close and personal to the one's closest to me. I have also always been seeking the approval of my dad. I figure it was because I felt like I was abandoned by my dad. Like he rejected me. Now I'm 30 and I'm just getting over it. I'm still not always able to express my deepest thoughts though.

I have seen my parents angry at each other and fight. But I never took sides. My mom also never said bad things about my dad until I was much older. I never found out the real reason why they split until I was about 16. Mom told me they didn't love each other anymore and dad was moving out. My mom once or twice would try to get me to tell my dad something about child support while I was on the phone with him. I told her it was her job (I was a snot nosed 13 year old and I still think I was right).

I think the best thing you can do like others have said is be honest with your kids. HOWEVER, if he's done things like cheat, you should NOT tell them. You should never talk bad about him. If you have something to say to him, you say it. Don't try to get one of your kids to say it. And it's not always a bad thing. I've been very lucky because my parents divorced.
 
Originally posted by: XFreebie
first of all stop having kids 3,2,1, especially with that good-for-nothing deadbeat.

my parents are divorced, hope your kids dont end up hating u and the deadbeat when they grow up, that'd suck
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OUCH! that was pretty harsh especially after I said not to be.

He is not a deadbeat thank you. NO WHERE did I say he was. We all still love him and want him to work things out and come home. I know this maybe unrealistic. But he is there dad and they need him as much as he needs them.

If you don't have something useful to say don't say it all!

Sounds like you have quite a few issues you need to work through yourself.
 
if they are old enough to understand the situation, tell them the truth.
if too young, just make up some good story.

good luck with you.
 
ThunderGirl, you're in an amazingly tough situation, which will take a lot of strength and determination for you to transcend. I'm sorry I have no advice to offer, but I do wish you the best.
 
Originally posted by: ThunderGirl
I am not getting into details. But would like any suggestions from divorced people on how to explain to small children that one parent no longer lives in a home. I am having troubles excepting the fact my husband is really going to divorce me he has been gone a month now. Before he has always changed his mind. If I can't even understand fully how can I tell my kids 3,2,1 and a new baby on the way after it is born?

Please only serious advice. I don't think I could handle right now all the jokes and slams people do on here to each other.

Thanks.🙁
Click to expand...

At those ages you need to really keep it simple,only giving them info when they ask and in all likelyhood it's only the 3 yr old who's going to ask. "Daddy and I don't get along,we live here, he lives there but we both love you very much" Also, from the sounds of things it doesn't appear that you will be able to count on dad for
much in terms of practical supports at this time. Gather as many friends and family together for support as you can , you might also want to be sure to assemble as many photo albums as you can and jot down thoughts about their father,ie: his medical history personality,likes,dislikes, etc and put them away, if he decides to basically take a powder and exit their lives you'll have that info for them when they ask about him. Also, don't burn any bridges on his side of the family if you can avoid it, the kids will benefit from contact with the extended family and you are going to need all the help you can get with 4 kids under age 5.

Good luck to you !
 
Originally posted by: hollowman
if they are old enough to understand the situation, tell them the truth.
if too young, just make up some good story.

good luck with you.
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Your 2 oldest kids sound like they know something is wrong. Be straight with them, and follow GirlFriday's advise. And try not to talk bad about your ex in front of them. It will only serve to make things worse for them when they ger older.
 
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