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Did I do the right thing wiht this woman?

G

Gulzakar

Diamond Member
In a nutshell, I met someone who is going through a divorce...she had a rough year with the man, dislikes him immensly...I came along a couple months after it happened and we just clicked...

one thing i should mention, this girl has some extreme morals, meaning, although she is separated, she feels she cannot do anything until its over. She is a classic church girl.

Or so I thought...since january, we got close, kissed, held hands, and all that gooshy stuff. She is a wonderful girl, but last wednesday, she spoke to a councelor (from her church), told her about me, and he seemed to think that she needed to supress her feelings for me and do her own thing for a while(good advice from a textbook, he does not know the situation)...as in, she told me she was falling for me. now, since that date, she has become distant and wont talk nearly as in depth as we used to. She tells me now that she isn't ready for such a relationship and I shouldnt take it personal...she wanted to wait until her divorce was over. I know she does have feelings for me, I know there is nobody else, and above all, I know that if she weren't technically married right now, I wouldnt be writing this.

My problem is this, I can't be friends with her, hurts too much not to be able to go back. BTW, I'm almost 24, she is 27. My mind is quite out of it, and quite frankly, until we were acting like a couple this was too draining. To be honest, I think mI became more infatuated over practical and it led me to my action last night.

Normally we would talk before bed, but last night she sort of cut me off...said she had some stuff to do, but that I could call her at work, and give her a usually wake up jingle in the morning... I know she is distancing herself to aleiviate some fears...but, I did something that I feel is right

I basically emailed her, and told her how I felt, my misery and that it would be best if she didnt contact me. Essentially, just leave me alone. I wasn't mean or rude, I was honest and nice. I'm in school and I just have too much going on to continue like this...its REALLY draining...I wished her good luck, and said that we might bump into each other in the future... Anyone here think what I did was ok>? I didnt burn a bridge, I mean, I wasnt rude or anything...as much as she needs to get thru this, I cant torture myself like this. I guess if its meant to be, then sometime in august or before that, she will get the clue and develop a mind of her own...oh well...

anyt suggestions on how to go about my business>? This is my first "GF" in 4 years, and as such, I think I was grasping.

Sorry for the length, but it is a long story
 
In situations like this patience is always going to be your best ally. If you like the girl as much as you say you do then waiting isn't that big of a deal... because with somebody you truly like you are willing to make sacrifices to yourself over forcing somebody to act against what they feel is right. Look at it from her perspective... she is coming out of a marriage that was a failure. In a Christian's mind divorce is one of the worst things imaginable so she has guilt concerning what has become of a sacred union. To add to that she is already having feelings for another man before she is even out of that marriage... that just adds more guilt to her situation. You did the right thing by being nice to her, but telling her that you can't be just a friend right now is probably a pretty hard pill for her to swallow because now justa friend is what she needs the most.

I am not slamming you. I just think that a person in the situation that you are in needs to show a bit more patience for somebody who is going through a hell of her own.

Good luck though.
 
If that's what you felt like you needed to do, then I think you did the right thing. 🙂
 
Um... rebound?

I would say that if you really like this girl, you would not mind waiting a little while. If it was meant to be then it won't change later. However, if you rush things then it may just end up in the same fvucked up situation again. This time, with you being the guy she hates. Who knows, she may blame you for the divorce later if things go sour. Can this be considered adultery in legal matters?
 
well, she was already separated from him when I met her...I understood from the begining that she needed time, but she initated everything...everything. I can remembenr the day she had to ask me for a kiss...I looked at her really funny, and said, umm, let me think about it. heh, she had preached to me how much she wanted to wait. Divorces are messy, but she doesnt really dwell on it these days...she is trying to "find" herself, which I kept encouraging her to do...I didnt realize it would back fire. Though, she has been stringing me along, sort of a stop go attitude...I played the game, I treated the situation very delicatly...I even took her to a new church because her ex and a lot of his friends go to the one she is at...(I hate church)...and it backfires on me. I will play it by ear...I know sometime dowb the line she will try and contact me... I was just too nice, something a lot of women aren't used to. But, as I said, I havent been mean, nor will I be mean, I just need to gain some sanity back. 🙂
 
Elaborating on the last comment...

All things aside, do you want to be with a woman who lets the church make her decisions for her? Maybe it's just me, but there's a fine line between devotion to a religion, and giving your own identity up. It sounds like she's letting the church make up her mind for her because she doesn't want to have to deal with things herself. It's sad to say, but is that personality who you see yourself sharing your life with?
 
This is a case of morals having no benefit to anyone. She is tearing up inside for NO good reason. Getting together with you is good for her and not doing so hurts her in no way. Sucks that she can't see that.
 
BTW i think you did the righ thing. You did what millions of guys can't do: cut it off because you were getting nowhere. Fussing and fretting over something like this does you no good whatsoever. You should basically tell her that she can either get over this hurdle of yours and then you'd love to see her again or see you (nicely of course). I think you handled it well and hopefully left the door open to her if she is willing to change.
 
Hey Gulzakar,

Well first, It would be hard for her to just move on quickly after the divorce, she might have feelings for you but I think she is going through a tough time and it would just be hard for anyone to be in a relationship after a divorce.

For your part, I think you shouldn't just abadon her, I know it's hard just to be friends but if you want to keep your distance, at least help her emotionally if she ever she needs it.

Just let her live her life and let her sort out things.
 
Morals or not, since she's not divorced yet I'd say you would do well to stay away from her. If she still has feelings for you after her divorce is finalized then she's free to look you up. Right now I'd be a little concerned about being the 'rebound' guy, especially since she's still married. In some countries the husband could kill the both of you...
 


<< BTW i think you did the righ thing. You did what millions of guys can't do: cut it off because you were getting nowhere. Fussing and fretting over something like this does you no good whatsoever. You should basically tell her that she can either get over this hurdle of yours and then you'd love to see her again or see you (nicely of course). I think you handled it well and hopefully left the door open to her if she is willing to change. >>



I think those rules that most men follow in relationships can be rightfully suspended in cases such as hers. I watched my parents go through a divorce, and I've seen countless other couples do the same - it's literally one of the hardest things for a person to do, ever.

For those of you who blame 'religion' for her problems or fears, I ask you to examine the vows you took when you got married, yourself - whose name did you invoke? Who officiated between the two of you?; just as much, I ask you to examine why you got married in the first place? If this person means enough to you to say "'till death do us part", how can you dismiss saying goodbye to them within the space of a couple months?

If you can say goodbye to a person who you married, and start a relationship with someone new without any lingering doubts, fears or guilt, then more power to you. For the rest of us, it takes time and patience.

EDIT: I think the fear of being a 'rebound' is, however, legitimate, and should be kept in mind and guarded against. That doesn't rule out patience, however, if you think the feelings are legitimate and able to last.
 
Thanks guys for the support...

I feel pretty used and useless right now.

when I emailed her, I basically said, best of luck, but please leave me alone right now. Perhaps someday we will bump into each other again.

that and some mooshy stuff that I dont feel like getting into.

It's hard not to think when last week she was over at my house with me just relaxing, umm(cuddling is such a chick word, but I lack a better term), and now she is distancing herself to remove some of the emotion...she tells me she doesnt want another relationship now tied in with some extreme guilt...these are all fine things that I accepted, its just unfortunate she decided to go ahead and have a conscience(not that we ever did anything bad). And now that I think about it, Im a little pissed...i have had it with women...they complain about how men suck, but did it ever occur to them that often times they make men that way? I have been used far to often and quite frankly, I think its time to start being the proverbial jerk that I can be.

 
There are many types of women to avoid... let me help you for future reference:

Married women -- the last thing you want to do is break up a family.

Divorcing women -- they have enough problems on their hands and they could easily get their feelings confused.

Recently divorced women -- depends on who she is, but most people need time to fully get over their marriage or else you end up being a rebound.


Did you do the right thing? I think so.
 


<< And now that I think about it, Im a little pissed...i have had it with women...they complain about how men suck, but did it ever occur to them that often times they make men that way? I have been used far to often and quite frankly, I think its time to start being the proverbial jerk that I can be. >>



You're pissed because you choose to get involved with a married woman? Spare me the sob story. Her world is falling apart and all you ever cared about was yourself. I hope you never go through a divorce. If you do, you'll know how hard it is and then maybe you will understand why she acted the way she did. I thought you did the right thing by saying goodbye after you realized your mistake, now you want to point the blame on her... sorry, I don't feel sorry for you. Stay away from married, divorcing and recently divorced women. Trust me I've been on both sides of the fence on this issue.
 
exactly...I tried to slow it down, I understood 100% what was going on...she seemed to think it was ok, and now, well, I dont know. It's funny, I hadn't pointed the blame until some of my friends (girls) talked to me. We tried to have a casual relationship very briefly...I held up my part, but then she would start saying things that would make me think othewise...understand?(I can say them if you like), I miss you, I wrote some poems about you(jeus shes a quasi poet), thankfully I had enough sense not to let her read them to me. I point the blame of stringing me along at her, I point the blame at myself for being stupid enough to fall in love...k? this is my first attempt at a real relationship in 4 years...I've been thru being used before with single girls, I was just caught up in the fact that maybe this could be the one, got it?
 
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