Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

[geno]

http://www.deepthoughts.com/jackhandy.html

 

[amb#cog]

Too damn funny.

 

[Vikaden]

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

 

[geno]

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

 

[yakko]

I love Jack Handy.

 

[Digobick]

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

 

[guyver01]

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.



They're missing the best one tho... the one where he wishes aliens take over the world and turn us into their pets because he wants a waterdish with his name on it. That's LOL funny

 

[yllus]

My personal favorite:

"At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be 'Clark Kent, Dentist,' because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, 'How's my back tooth?' and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, 'Oh it's okay,' then the patient would probably say, 'Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?' and you'd say, 'Aw fvck you, get outta here,' and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill."

Beat that!

 

[Digobick]

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

 

[Missus]

<<<If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like &quot;Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!&quot; and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, &quot;That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.&quot; Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. >>>

LOL... This guy has been around forever!!!

I always get a scream out of him...

 

[datalink7]

<< If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! >>




lol

 

[prodigy]

I've got too many that I like to list.

 

[Aquaman]

I used to love it when they had his clips on SNL. I can't remember how my favorite one goes but its something like when I was young, my uncle took me to a burnt out barn and he told me it was Disneyland........ or something like that

Cheers,
Aquaman

 

[Dedpuhl]

One things kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. &quot;Oh, no&quot;, I said, &quot;Disneyland burned down.&quot; He cried and cried, but I thought that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

 

[DarkMajiq]

You've gotta love Jack Handy

 

[element]

One time my uncle was telling me about a Jack Handy episode he saw where he was saying that a good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. &quot;Hear that?&quot; you say. &quot;That's dynamite, baby.&quot;
So I said &quot;I think Jack Handy may be a mental case&quot; Then my uncle turned to me and said &quot;Who's Jack Handy?&quot;