Enjoy....
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there?s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I?d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful flamingo, flying across the in front of a beautiful sunset? And he?s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he?s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you?re drunk.
If you?re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back up on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
Blow ye winds,
Like the trumpet blows;
But without that noise.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, ?Hey, good job.?
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn?t open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I?ll go over to a person?s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I?m gone, but you know what I?ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says ?You.? After that, I usually fee a lot better, and no harm done.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don?t think I?d call it Tramp-land, because you might think it was for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp?s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
Too bad you can?t just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you?d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think like dolphins the most? I?d say Flippy, wouldn?t you? You?d be wrong though. It?s Hambone.
If you?re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy?s glove touch your lips, because you don?t know where that glove has been.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it?s two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they press charges.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don?t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, ?What was that?!?
If you?re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it?s really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was a lucky swing.
Too bad there?s not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you?d probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn?t seem quite so funny.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he?d head off to go fishing. But we wouldn?t be laughing that evening when he?d come back with some whore he picked up from town.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
A man doesn?t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they?d still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn?t eat so much.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who?s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that you want to study the brain.
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients, But we can?t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you fly. But they forgot the negative side, which is the preening.
When I think back on all the blessing I have been given in my life, I can?t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted my all those wishes.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick ?Americans? as their mascot.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, ?Aw who cares?? And then I think, ?What?s for supper??
Here?s a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go ?Whoa! Whoa!? and flail your arms around, like you are going to fall in.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don?t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you? really be surprised.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and the choose a king, they don?t just go buy size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Instead of having ?answers? on a math test, they should just call them ?impressions,? and if you got a different ?impression,? so what, can?t we just be brothers?
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