Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

[moshquerade]

#47: If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

refresh this page for more deep thoughts:
http://www.tremorseven.com/aim/deepaim.php?job=view

 

[Zysoclaplem]

#21: Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!

 

[moshquerade]

#35: I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

 

[Gothgar]

nice, I love those!

 

[quakefiend420]

haven't watched that show in ages...

 

[Drakkon]

#15: I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

 

[moshquerade]

#37: I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

 

[Zysoclaplem]

Originally posted by: quakefiend420
haven't watched that show in ages...

Well you aren't missing anything. It's not funny anymore.

 

[SaltBoy]

#7: To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

 

[Drakkon]

#48: Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

i gotta try that one...

 

[Gothgar]

#1: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

#3: If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

#27: I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.


bweahahaha, found the best one

#31: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

 

[kranky]

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.

 

[Triumph]

My favorite: I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: quakefiend420
haven't watched that show in ages...

Well you aren't missing anything. It's not funny anymore.

You know nothing about humour.

 

[AdamSnow]

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: quakefiend420
haven't watched that show in ages...

Well you aren't missing anything. It's not funny anymore.

I agree.

 

[conjur]

A few of my favorites:


We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.


When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

 

[kranky]

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

 

[meltdown75]

omg, thanks so much this thread rules

#40: Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

 

[meltdown75]

#50: I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

 

[quakefiend420]

#42: It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

 

[quakefiend420]

one more, ok two more

#6: Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

#5: If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

 

[meltdown75]

Here's another:

#25: The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

 

[bigrash]

#34: If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we re trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

 

[Nitemare]

Originally posted by: conjur
A few of my favorites:


We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.


When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

LOL, 3 of my faves as well

 

[MX2]

Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem

Originally posted by: quakefiend420
haven't watched that show in ages...

Well you aren't missing anything. It's not funny anymore.

Weekend Update is still hilarious if not more so with Tina and Amy

 

[JJWalker]

#11: As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!!