Critique my cover letter!

jEct2

Golden Member
Mar 1, 2005
1,726
0
0
(don't worry about the format, they're all properly addressed)

Dear Bob Collevechio:

I came across your job posting through my university?s career center and would like to inquire further information about your employment opportunity as a Territory Manager Trainee in Boston, MA. This position sparks a great interest because it fits exceptionally well with my background, especially in relationship management.

My work history shows proven experience in both employee management and training. As a new manager in a medium-sized restaurant with stagnant sales and unorganized work structure, I?ve developed a complete employee training program from the ground up. This has enabled the company to restructure the 11 member staff to have a customer-oriented focus. With this program I was able to maintain and promote the new company culture by working directly with the trainees as well as handling delicate staff relationships in an optimal and professional manner.

The advertised position also requires various aspects of market knowledge. The skills I possess not only meet, but will exceed your expectations. In 2003, I was solely responsible for launching and completing our establishment?s brand marketing campaign. I have formulated this campaign to stimulate our decreasing sales and it involved extensive local market research, customer survey, and target advertising. Nine months after the launch, the brand-recognition was established among the community as our reported sales were increased by twenty percent.

As I read your job description once again, I am quite excited to know more about your position. So far it seems my hands-on work experience will make me a perfect fit for this job, and I will bring my fully devoted effort and great work ethic to your company. Please look over the attached resume which provides full detail. I can be contacted me at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you have further questions.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

Sincerely,
jeCt
 

walla

Senior member
Jun 2, 2001
987
0
0
Originally posted by: jEct2
I can be contacted me at 800-BIG-BOOBS if you have further questions.

Um is this one of those switch you over to the 900 type deals? If so, I think Bobby won't be so impressed.
 

jEct2

Golden Member
Mar 1, 2005
1,726
0
0
hahah come on, u had me worried.

u know jeCt2 and BIG BOOBS are just a joke to replace my info....
 

minendo

Elite Member
Aug 31, 2001
35,560
22
81
s I read your job description once again, I am quite excited to know more about your position. So far it seems my hands-on work experience will make me a perfect fit for this job, and I will bring my fully devoted effort and great work ethic to your company. Please look over the attached resume which provides full detail. I can be contacted me at 800-BIG-BOOBS if you have further questions.
position

Makes no sense.
 

DainBramaged

Lifer
Jun 19, 2003
23,454
41
91
Originally posted by: dartworth
Originally posted by: DainBramaged
jeCt2 sounds really unprofessional.



Not only are you a dick, you aren't a dick that I can respect.

:p

Hey! :p At least I was just kidding around. That other guy was just being an asshole.
 

DainBramaged

Lifer
Jun 19, 2003
23,454
41
91
Originally posted by: jEct2
hahah come on, u had me worried.

u know jeCt2 and BIG BOOBS are just a joke to replace my info....

Dude, I was just kidding about the way you signed your name. :D

Edit: Dammit, you must have edited right as I quoted. :D
 

Yossarian

Lifer
Dec 26, 2000
18,010
1
81
a little exuberant for my taste. I get the feeling you're one stiff drink away from giving the guy a BJ.
 

olds

Elite Member
Mar 3, 2000
50,120
776
126
Originally posted by: DainBramaged
jeCt2 sounds really unprofessional.
I have to agree. It is poorly written and has no real structure. It works as a first draft.
 

Originally posted by: Yossarian
a little exuberant for my taste. I get the feeling you're one stiff drink away from giving the guy a BJ.
LOL, good way to put it. :laugh:
 

cpals

Diamond Member
Mar 5, 2001
4,494
0
76
Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
Originally posted by: DainBramaged
jeCt2 sounds really unprofessional.
I have to agree. It is poorly written and has no real structure. It works as a first draft.

I think you two are talking about two completely different things... :D
 

walla

Senior member
Jun 2, 2001
987
0
0
Originally posted by: Yossarian
a little exuberant for my taste. I get the feeling you're one stiff drink away from giving the guy a BJ.


i agree. while i would be sure to highlight specific reasons that i might be a good candidate, i would avoid saying things like "i will exceed your expectations". an employer will make that determination on his or her own. in my opinion, telling someone what to think of you is arrogant. there is a very fine line between confidence and arrogance.
 

Mrvile

Lifer
Oct 16, 2004
14,066
1
0
Originally posted by: cpals
Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
Originally posted by: DainBramaged
jeCt2 sounds really unprofessional.
I have to agree. It is poorly written and has no real structure. It works as a first draft.

I think you two are talking about two completely different things... :D

:thumbsup:
 

jEct2

Golden Member
Mar 1, 2005
1,726
0
0
Originally posted by: walla
Originally posted by: Yossarian
a little exuberant for my taste. I get the feeling you're one stiff drink away from giving the guy a BJ.


i agree. while i would be sure to highlight specific reasons that i might be a good candidate, i would avoid saying things like "i will exceed your expectations". an employer will make that determination on his or her own. in my opinion, telling someone what to think of you is arrogant. there is a very fine line between confidence and arrogance.

good stuff.. anybody else agree? I'll take some parts outs after hearing some more...
 

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,574
972
126
Originally posted by: jEct2
(don't worry about the format, they're all properly addressed)

Dear Art Vandelay:

I came across your job posting through my university?s career center and would like to inquire further information about your employment opportunity as a Territory Manager Trainee in Boston, MA. This position sparks a great interest because it fits exceptionally well with my background, especially in relationship management.

My work history shows proven experience in both employee management and training. As a new manager in a medium-sized restaurant with stagnant sales and unorganized work structure, I?ve developed a complete employee training program from the ground up. This has enabled the company to restructure the 11 member staff to have a customer-oriented focus. With this program I was able to maintain and promote the new company culture by working directly with the trainees as well as handling delicate staff relationships in an optimal and professional manner.

The advertised position also requires various aspects of market knowledge. The skills I possess not only meet, but will exceed your expectations. In 2003, I was solely responsible for launching and completing our establishment?s brand marketing campaign. I have formulated this campaign to stimulate our decreasing sales and it involved extensive local market research, customer survey, and target advertising. Nine months after the launch, the brand-recognition was established among the community as our reported sales were increased by twenty percent.

As I read your job description once again, I am quite excited to know more about your position. So far it seems my hands-on work experience will make me a perfect fit for this job, and I will bring my fully devoted effort and great work ethic to your company. Please look over the attached resume which provides full detail. I can be contacted me at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you have further questions.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

Sincerely,
jeCt

Fixed.
 

jEct2

Golden Member
Mar 1, 2005
1,726
0
0
Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
Originally posted by: DainBramaged
jeCt2 sounds really unprofessional.
I have to agree. It is poorly written and has no real structure. It works as a first draft.

Could you elaborate please? While writing this, I paid extra attention to structure.

1st paragraph addresses what I'm talking about
2nd- matching their qualification with my skillsets
3rd- further reinforce what I've done
4th- Closing with some friendly remarks

Some concrete pointers would be great.
 

walla

Senior member
Jun 2, 2001
987
0
0
"My work history shows proven experience in both employee management and training."

what is proven experience?

"With this program I was able to maintain and promote the new company culture by working directly with the trainees as well as handling delicate staff relationships in an optimal and professional manner."

what is company culture? also saying you did something in an "optimal and professional" manner says absolutely nothing. perhaps from your reference, but not from an applicant. either qualify this with a specific example or leave it out.

"The skills I possess not only meet, but will exceed your expectations."

I find that job descriptions are often intentionally vague. It is not safe to assume you are exceeding them simply because you meet them.

also, it may pay to do research about the company or the particular company to which you are applying. if you can incorporate that knowledge into the cover letter, it shows to them that you are serious and not just using a copy paste coverletter job.

 

olds

Elite Member
Mar 3, 2000
50,120
776
126
Originally posted by: jEct2
Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
Originally posted by: DainBramaged
jeCt2 sounds really unprofessional.
I have to agree. It is poorly written and has no real structure. It works as a first draft.

Could you elaborate please? While writing this, I paid extra attention to structure.

1st paragraph addresses what I'm talking about
2nd- matching their qualification with my skillsets
3rd- further reinforce what I've done
4th- Closing with some friendly remarks

Some concrete pointers would be great.

It's bad from the first sentence. The first sentence makes no sense. Read it out loud.
 

jEct2

Golden Member
Mar 1, 2005
1,726
0
0
Originally posted by: walla
"My work history shows proven experience in both employee management and training."

what is proven experience?

"With this program I was able to maintain and promote the new company culture by working directly with the trainees as well as handling delicate staff relationships in an optimal and professional manner."

what is company culture? also saying you did something in an "optimal and professional" manner says absolutely nothing. perhaps from your reference, but not from an applicant. either qualify this with a specific example or leave it out.

"The skills I possess not only meet, but will exceed your expectations."

I find that job descriptions are often intentionally vague. It is not safe to assume you are exceeding them simply because you meet them.

also, it may pay to do research about the company or the particular company to which you are applying. if you can incorporate that knowledge into the cover letter, it shows to them that you are serious and not just using a copy paste coverletter job.

proven experience = I don't know.. proven as in, "I have the real working knowledge"? Proven as in.. not just all-talk.... How would you say it in this context?


 

olds

Elite Member
Mar 3, 2000
50,120
776
126
Another thought. A cover letter is generally used to introduce yourself and identify your intentions. The resume is where you sell yourself.

Dear Mr. Collevechio:

I am inquiring about a position with-in your organization. While viewing postings in my university?s career center I noticed yours for ?Territory Manager Trainee? in Boston, MA. I believe that my experience and education would make me a perfect candidate for this position. I have enclosed my resume and look forward to hearing from you.
etc......
 

habib89

Diamond Member
Jan 17, 2001
3,599
0
0
Originally posted by: jEct2

As I read your job description once again, I am quite excited to know more about your position. So far it seems my hands-on work experience will make me a perfect fit for this job, and I will bring my fully devoted effort and great work ethic to your company. Please look over the attached resume which provides full detail. I can be contacted me at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you have further questions.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

Sincerely,
jeCt


i don't like the "as i read your job description once again" and the "so far it seems"... i can't really offer any real help.. just that i don't like those two lines.. not even really sure why