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Creative writing

N

NiteWulf

Golden Member
I wrote this several months ago as a loose background to an evil character in an RPG. At the time, I was the only one who liked it.

Warning for the squeemish: it's somewhat violent, but I don't think anyone will be put off.

The name is pronounced "ur-uh-PENT-ay" I don't remember where I got it from.

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Urapenthe Brokethorn


The violence began in his youth. His father an undertaker, Brokethorn was subjected to fierce beatings and persecution.

Submission never was a quality of his. He decided to be a thorn in the side of all of them. A simple prick between the ribs. It drained the life from them, slowly reducing their breath to a faint whistle from the parted flesh.

When he ran out of knives, he beat his father's shovels into blades. When the elder Brokethorn discovered his livelihood transformed to casualty, his son no longer mattered to him. Young Urapenthe was broken, disfigured, and left between the banks of a river.

He did not resign himself to begging. Rather, it was a tool for him. He knew the rich from the poor, the secure from the defenseless. He found patterns in the passersby. They even kept their strongboxes in the same places.
 
I don't care for it. You're trying way too hard to be deep, using coarse language to veil a nonunique downtrodden-protagonist plot. Also, you got the name from Star Trek VI, it's the name of the icy prison planet which Kirk/McCoy are sent to.
 
It's really short...Am I missing something? Seems cliche so far... but everything considered classic now is also a cliche...so who knows...Keep writing it...
 
Originally posted by: iamskew
It's really short...Am I missing something? Seems cliche so far... but everything considered classic now is also a cliche...so who knows...Keep writing it...
Click to expand...

it's short because it was a very basic background. How is it cliche?
 
Brokethorn? I think you can come up with a better name.

And too many big words.

But I applaud your effort. Keep at it 🙂
 
Urapenthe Brokethorn


The violence began in his youth. His father an undertaker, Brokethorn was subjected to fierce beatings and persecution.

Submission never was a quality of his. He decided to be a thorn in the side of all of them. A simple prick between the ribs. It drained the life from them, slowly reducing their breath to a faint whistle from the parted flesh.

When he ran out of knives, he beat his father's shovels into blades. When the elder Brokethorn discovered his livelihood transformed to casualty, his son no longer mattered to him. Young Urapenthe was broken, disfigured, and left between the banks of a river.

He did not resign himself to begging. Rather, it was a tool for him. He knew the rich from the poor, the secure from the defenseless. He found patterns in the passersby. They even kept their strongboxes in the same places.
Click to expand...

Ok, first of all, the name. Just doesn't work. The first part is just not a good name, even for a science fiction character. The second part is kinda lame when you added the whole thorn in the side bit.

Persecution? From his father? Find a better word. Persecution isn't what a father would do to his son (yes, I realize he could persecute his son, but it just doesn't fit). Try torment or oppression.

Submission is an action and therefore a verb, you're using it as an adjective. Submissiveness is what you're looking for there. Or change the structure of the sentence so that submission works and isn't an adjective.

Like has been said, the name and the bit about the thorn in the side, cheesy. It detracts from the character.

I don't even understand your bit about the knives. Are you trying to say he killed people? The thorn in the side part sounded to be a just a metaphor, not literal. Something more needs to be explained. Either come out and say what he was doing (are we supposed to be thinking good or bad about the character at this point? Should we feel sympathy for him because he was beaten, or is he a murderer, or is he supposed to be some type of robin hood character that does wrong in the name of right?).

I realize this is just a backstory, but it needs a little more fleshing out to give us an idea of what is going on with this character.

I'm only critical because thats the only way to become better. There are some good points, but I agree he just comes off as far too cliched (although admittedly trying to do something that isn't cliched is difficult).

When I picture this character, the image of the main character in the movie The Crow comes to mind. I'm not sure if you were aiming for this, but personally, I don't find it to be a good choice.
 
This may not reflect well on my reading comprehension... but I have no idea what you were trying to get accross in that little bit of writing.

lose the fluff. You're trying way to hard, and it shows
 
Originally posted by: NiteWulf
The violence began in his youth. His father an undertaker, Brokethorn was subjected to fierce beatings and persecution.

Submission never was a quality of his. He decided to be a thorn in the side of all of them. A simple prick between the ribs. It drained the life from them, slowly reducing their breath to a faint whistle from the parted flesh.

When he ran out of knives, he beat his father's shovels into blades. When the elder Brokethorn discovered his livelihood transformed to casualty, his son no longer mattered to him. Young Urapenthe was broken, disfigured, and left between the banks of a river.

He did not resign himself to begging. Rather, it was a tool for him. He knew the rich from the poor, the secure from the defenseless. He found patterns in the passersby. They even kept their strongboxes in the same places.
Click to expand...

For some reason, anything after the first paragraph is unreadable to me.
 
Originally posted by: darkswordsman17
Urapenthe Brokethorn


The violence began in his youth. His father an undertaker, Brokethorn was subjected to fierce beatings and persecution.

Submission never was a quality of his. He decided to be a thorn in the side of all of them. A simple prick between the ribs. It drained the life from them, slowly reducing their breath to a faint whistle from the parted flesh.

When he ran out of knives, he beat his father's shovels into blades. When the elder Brokethorn discovered his livelihood transformed to casualty, his son no longer mattered to him. Young Urapenthe was broken, disfigured, and left between the banks of a river.

He did not resign himself to begging. Rather, it was a tool for him. He knew the rich from the poor, the secure from the defenseless. He found patterns in the passersby. They even kept their strongboxes in the same places.
Click to expand...

Ok, first of all, the name. Just doesn't work. The first part is just not a good name, even for a science fiction character. The second part is kinda lame when you added the whole thorn in the side bit.

Persecution? From his father? Find a better word. Persecution isn't what a father would do to his son (yes, I realize he could persecute his son, but it just doesn't fit). Try torment or oppression.

Submission is an action and therefore a verb, you're using it as an adjective. Submissiveness is what you're looking for there. Or change the structure of the sentence so that submission works and isn't an adjective.

Like has been said, the name and the bit about the thorn in the side, cheesy. It detracts from the character.

I don't even understand your bit about the knives. Are you trying to say he killed people? The thorn in the side part sounded to be a just a metaphor, not literal. Something more needs to be explained. Either come out and say what he was doing (are we supposed to be thinking good or bad about the character at this point? Should we feel sympathy for him because he was beaten, or is he a murderer, or is he supposed to be some type of robin hood character that does wrong in the name of right?).

I realize this is just a backstory, but it needs a little more fleshing out to give us an idea of what is going on with this character.

I'm only critical because thats the only way to become better. There are some good points, but I agree he just comes off as far too cliched (although admittedly trying to do something that isn't cliched is difficult).

When I picture this character, the image of the main character in the movie The Crow comes to mind. I'm not sure if you were aiming for this, but personally, I don't find it to be a good choice.
Click to expand...


dark pretty much hit the problems spot on ...

Look, readers don't appreciate vague writing and fluff for the sake of fluff. First, write the story in a manner that says exactly what you want it to say. When you are done, read over it and look for opportunities to add in adjectives. Being clear and descriptive is what makes good writing. People want to understand what is happening and will be greatful when they do. Being abstract is for poets and hipsters ... and it is fine in that scene because they enjoy discussing the meaning of writing. In prose, when you encounter soemthing that seems abstract, it is because it is probably alluding to something else, or the writer just sucks. Read a Steinbeck novel...no BS in his writing...all the description you could need, but it all serves a purpose.
 
Originally posted by: NiteWulf
slowly reducing their breath to a faint whistle from the parted flesh.
Click to expand...

That's my favorite part.

It all needs to be reworked, though. Check your sentence structure. It may seem trivial to have good language mechanics, but that is the only way the thoughts will come cleanly out of your head and into the heads of others.

Say what you want to say. Don't use irony, similes, metaphors, personifications and the like without understanding HOW they are used. Stop trying to weave a tapestry of words and just put the words down. Write how you talk, and then rewrite it until it resembles how you think it should read.
 
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